I Have Wings, Yet Cannot Fly 
Get Out of My Way, Bitches
Even to a pig like me, it’s clear Zendikar is goin’ to slop. The oceans have leaped up and swallowed my old thickets, and monsters as big as the tallest trees — bigger, even — are all stompin’ around. They wave their hands and whole mountains get blasted. Little slimy baby monster guys are crawlin’ up all over. I hear one of these guys can’t be killed, not by nothin’. I hear one of ’em is like a floating island travelin’ in time and you can’t even touch him. The more I size up these crazy aliens or whatever the hoozitz they are, the more I know the one I think this pig gotta say to each and every one of ’em.
Get out of my way, bitches.
Y’all have had your fun, but this here is big-tusk Johnny, and y’all better recognize. I ain’t just passin’ through, I’m PASSIN’ THROUGH — and any you tubey-headed interlopers even TRY to get all up in my business whislt I’m getting all up in whatever business I’m choosin’ to get up in — and no, I will not tell you what it is, because it is my business — well, try that, and you’re gettin’ yourself a face full’a my FACE.
Let big-tusk Johnny tell you, you think you know annihilation? You don’t know annihilation. We’re talking tusks of above-average size — like BLADES, motherfucker, like BLADES — and I know that’s not something you can handle. So. Step. Back.
That’s right, the-pig man is comin’ through, and y’all better get clear — or levitate or scuttle or whatever you gray-faced sops do in whatever po-dunk hole you come from. No I don’t give half a whack. You don’t know me! Don’t talk to me like you know me!
You even look at me funny, you’re gonna find out why all your spawn got snouts and cloven hooves. You best bring me some room service to my Awakening Zone. Looks like Big Daddy Pig here’s gonna have a Growth Spasm.
Hey Emrakul, I porked your mom! And after I cast her, I took an extra turn!
You think I ain’t seen an 11/11 before or whatever the fuck? Elzdrazi, please. You punks were suckin’ your thumbs in your hedrons when I was pullin’ Lorthos out of Ula’s temple, taking his lunch mana, tentacle smacking his big blue face, making him tap himself in front of his buddies and letting him off with a warning. All you giant tentacle monsters are the same — back-tapping, down-low, legendary mulligan punks.
The only reason you’re even an inconvenience to me is because ripping on you gives me something to do between farts.
Now, get out of my way bitches. There’s a real pig coming through, and he’s bashing for three while you’re wetting your 8-mana underpants or whatever the fuck.
Oh, sorry there Mr. Magmaw, didn’t see you. Yeah, no, I’m fine. Just staying over here. Lovely weather we’re having. Yeah, you too. Thanks, I will. Much obliged.
(This article is a follow-up to Primordial Evil Scared of Pig with Teeth)
