Abysmal Hunter

Local Wumpus hunter and bear-arm collector Rune McKnight was killed yesterday in a hunting accident when he went out after threshold. His mother, who was hunting with him at the time, was unharmed and was available to make a statement early this morning. "He told me to save myself, so I did," said [card]Mother of Runes[/card], visibly tapped from the incident. She added "for weeks he had been talking about that Werebear he saw, and he just had to have it, but I guess he just ran into the wrong two bear arms."

Rakdos Goes Hybrid

Rakdos, Inc. unveiled its new line of hybrid creatures at prerelease events across the country last Saturday. The creatures, which are both black and red, are said to be more manabase friendly than traditional models. Most players see this as a step in the right direction from a company that has a long-standing reputation of being harmful to manabases. "I just can't afford BBB for products like [card]Necropotence[/card] on my manabase," says notable black player Osyp Lebioyzxiwkaspy, "and to make matters worse, Rakdos has come out with many products that actively destroy manabases, such as [card]Stone Rain[/card] and [card]Rain of Tears[/card]."

Consumer advocacy groups warn that while hybrid costs are easier to pay than traditional colored mana costs, some of the models are not as manabase friendly as advertised because the company has in some instances replaced colorless mana costs with the new hybrid mana costs.

Nobel prize winning human economist Nobel Templar sees the move to hybrid costs as one of desperation from a company with an erratic stock price, and warns that the play may backfire. "Stockholders need to know at all times how their company is doing financially," he says, "but investors who first-pick a [card]Demigod of Revenge[/card], for example, may not know until the fourth or fifth pick if their company is in the red or the black."

President Requests New War On Terror Budget

The President sent a bill to Congress yesterday evening requesting another 301 million black mana to spend on the War on [card]Terror[/card]. The proposal includes a plan to target every American with [card]Aphotic Wisps[/card]. The White House spokesman was quoted as saying it will "effectively end [card]Terror[/card] in the homeland." Everyone in the world with an IQ of at least forty has noted that the same effect could be achieved for a single black mana with [card]Darkest Hour[/card], a fact that has gone unnoticed by the majority of Americans. Some conspiracy theorists believe a superior effect could be had for 1BR using [card]Dralnu's Crusade[/card].

Transguild Courier Voted Sexiest Artifact Creature � Golem Alive

[card]Transguild Courier[/card] was voted Sexiest Artifact Creature � Golem alive by readers of Golems magazine as published in the April issue. When summoned for comments, the artifact creature said "I appealed to environmentally-aware voters because of my reputation for being green, to patriotic voters because I am unashamed to prominently display my country's colors, and to non-terrorist voters for my efforts to support the war on terror on both fronts." When this reporter told him to "get over himself," the golem responded "I am possibly the most humble golem alive, and one of the things that makes me so attractive is that my abilities are unaffected by my [card]Humility[/card]."