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April 7, 2008 | mtg, humor
Shadowmoor, Torment Crash M:TG Reunion Party
by alfred
The Magic: The Gathering set reunion party was off to a great start, with the MC for the evening, Ravnica, doing his best to entertain the crowd with a few off-color jokes, while a steady supply of mana beverages kept the conversational tempo flowing. Time Spiral was also featured as one of the main acts, performing his patented "vanishing" trick, as well as successfully suspending a Gargadon from his Hammerheim. The festivities quickly turned sour, however, when two of Magic: The Gathering's self-proclaimed "bad boys" arrived at the party unannounced.
"Guess who showed up to the party uninvited? Shadowmoor and that jerk Torment," said Visions. "Shadowmoor spiked the punch with -1/-1 counters; we tried fishing the damn things out, but we couldn't differentiate them from the +1/+1s that were already in there!"
The disturbing story did not, however, end there.
"Torment was as high as a Hypnox last night. It was pretty obvious that he was in some sort of Psychotic Haze, probably from too many hits off the Coffer. It's really troubling when you see a guy Waste Away like that, but I mean, it's his body to Mutilate," mused a concerned Ravnica. "And if he thinks that he's somehow going to have the Last Laugh over the stunts he pulled yesterday, I guarantee that he's going to have a few Restless Dreams once he succumbs to Crippling Fatigue and passes out."
"Chainer's Edict, Mesmeric Fiend," he added.
The DCI showed up on the scene after things started getting out of hand. One of the more gruesome accounts involved three buckets of Xtra Slip lubricant, a Manticore, and Homelands.
"They always pick on Homelands just because he's the smallest and weakest," sobbed a teary-eyed Mirage. "But this time they went too far!"
Shadowmoor and Torment are being held by the DCI while the authorities look into the accusations. One of the older members of the Magic multiverse, The Dark, understood what the sets were going through, and offered some words of advice when asked to comment:
"A lot of people don't realize that I was the original bad boy. I hear a lot of people say that. That I was bad. REAL bad. I take a lot of pride in that. Dark imagery, sweet cards like Nameless Race... and the name? Hello! Can't get much darker than 'The Dark' can you? Also, put in how many friends I have. I have tons of friends, I have like fourty... five. Over fourty-five."
The Dark has over fourty-five friends that all corroborate his story. Most of them live in Canada and Hawaii and are unfortunately unavailable for comment.
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