The greatest obstacle to a new eldrazi’s survival is his species’ peculiar choice of spawning grounds. While the fossil record indicates that in ages past they were allowed some time to develop their skills in play, they are now birthed directly onto a battlefield.

This practice has proved sustainable for groups with hardier young, such as the kraken genus. Eldrazi young however have almost no combat capabilities and no way to evade or shroud themselves from more dangerous creatures.

Most of the deaths we recorded weren’t even from intentional attacks on the spawn though. They have a dreadful lack of situational awareness, and were often seen wandering in front of all manner of beasts, knights, and demons that were charging at someone else entirely. It was such a common occurrence that my team started joking that the safest place to be in a fight was directly behind the nearest eldrazi cub.

We didn’t just learn that they were helpless and oblivious though. They are also incredibly nutritious and tasty, based on the numbers we saw devoured. Their blood is also considered a delicacy in vampire high society, and some of this group was poached to satisfy that lucrative market.

Perhaps the most ironic factor though is that several primitive cultures surrounding their native habitat have taken to sacrificing them in intricate rituals designed to summon the adult eldrazi to their side to hopefully do their bidding. When the unfortunate spawn in question’s progenitors show up to kill everyone involved, it just reinforces that the ritual works.

Despite all this, I still hold out some hope for this majestic and horrible race. Some activist artificers have laid out plans to provide the spawn with armor, gliders, and most importantly maps to help them survive long enough to get somewhere less lethal to stay until they’ve grown self-sufficient. Also, while this particular survey is dire, there may be some comfort in its 2.5% margin of error.

“I’d heard about powerleveling from a friend of a friend,” one lighthouse chronologist told GoodGamery.com. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is getting up to level seven on a plane like Zendikar, so I thought I’d try one out – not that they came cheap, mind you.”

“[It] looked like a Juggernaut to me.”
says one victim.

But this curious wizard was in for a nasty surprise. “When I cast the spell, this thing – looked like a Juggernaut to me, but I didn’t get a good look at it – just shows up and eats my entire lighthouse. It was the lighthouse that my father guarded, and his father before him, and now I can’t even Recall it back!”

Over in Guul Draz, a young assassin was having similar problems. “I’d just learned to Disfigure, and I having a kind of a party to celebrate. My friends said they’d picked up this spell that would allow them to Death Pulse, and, you know – I didn’t know if it was safe, but I didn’t want to look like a pussy. So they used this spell, and – the entire house is gone. My parents are gonna kill me.”

Flyers have been put up around the Cliffhaven area warning knights against using spells that may have come from Mirrodin, and a new magic security awareness program has been introduced in schools. “Times are dangerous enough as it is without these unreliable spells going off,” said a pair of local Kor Sanctifiers. “Whoever is selling this stuff ought to be ashamed.”

The ‘powerlevel’ magic has been linked back to Memnarch, the controversial Mirrodin Premier. A spokesmyr for the Panopticon had this to say: “The spells that were sold to fleshy Zendikari mages were exactly as described. Any miscommunication that may have occured was not the fault of the immaculate Watcher.”

Memnarch will appear at the Tower of the Magistrate next week before a Soulsworn Jury, but he is expected to pay W to return the Conviction to its owner’s hand.

ZENDIKAR – Jwari Shapeshifter, well known for boasting that “the best expedition would be an entire team of me,” set out on Tuesday with three fellow shapeshifters on a quest to find the Gravelord in an attempt to prove this boast.

Tragedy struck the team of allies, when upon entering the battlefield, all four were placed into the graveyard as a state-based effect. Witnesses reported the Jwari looking around helplessly before immediately falling to the ground.

“They all had Adventuring Gear, and they had the help of an Expedition Map, so it wasn’t like they came unprepared,” said a nearby Eternal Witness. “They just didn’t have a chance to respond.”

On a lighter note, the Jwari Shapeshifters were successful in thier quest despite the personal setbacks – a 5/5 zombie giant calling himself “The Gravelord” has recently begun terrorizing a local village.

But with the release of Master’s Edition III on Magic Online, he has been facing down some foes unlike any he’s seen before. Vaevictis was reached in his volcanic lair to describe one such encounter.

“When I first saw it I thought, ‘no big deal’ – just looked like your garden variety Tarpan or whatever. I figured I would just fly down there, break every bone in its body, roast it in my polychromatic flame, and devour its earthly form and ethereal soul,” he said.

But as what we know now as Shu Cavalry got closer and closer, eyewitness reports indicate that the venerable dragon’s grin slowly disappeared, beads of sweat the size of Muck Drubbs began to form on his brow, and 3 of his 7 testicles receded in an unprecedented display of terror.

“I was like ‘SHIT SHIT SHIT’, you know? There was a horse, right, but there was a GUY RIDING IT,” he recounted, visibly shaking at the memory.

“A GUY. Riding A HORSE,” he continued.

As the Cavalry drew near only one thing was clear to the great Scourge of All That Lives.

“There was no way I could go down there to stop it. Nuh-uh. NOOOOOO WAY.”

“I mean are you even listening to me? HE WAS RIDING A HORSE. I mean, shit man.”

Willis Ramo is head of security for the building and says that scares such as these, though uncommon, are nothing new to the building. As such, he claims, his staff is well prepared to deal with such threats.

“The key thing for my men is to be alert, and that starts with a good Sleep,” Willis said. “Then if a crisis hits, like a Fireball suddenly ripping through the building, they have enough Control of their Mind to not be Overrun with emotions and effectively get all the civilians out of Harm’s Way,” he continued.

“Serra Angel,” he added.

When asked about what measures he has in place, Willis could not go into specifics citing security concerns, but did offer one tidbit. “You know, between you and me,” Willis said while leaning in and lowering his voice, “this isn’t even the 10th floor! We put a big M10 placard over the 11th floor sign to throw ‘em off!”.