Primordial Evil Scared of Pig with Teeth

Posted on Friday, May 7th, 2010 by GyantSpyder
More articles by
Posted in mtg

ZENDIKAR—Emrakul, the Aeons Torn, a legendary evil from the Blind Eternities that blasts holes in space-time with its mind, floated gingerly aside this afternoon to allow a pig with teeth to pass. According to reports, the mountain-sized floating tentacle monster then watched on helplessly as the pig mauled its master, one Kevin Wickles Planeswalker, age 11, of Oak Grove Rhode Island. Kevin was hospitalized with significant injuries to his face, which are expected to never fully heal.

Onlookers described the pig alternately as “kind of scary,” “enthusiastic,” “red,” “about this big or so,” “awfully silly looking,” and “between a 3.0 and a 3.5 in limited.” Passers-by indicated an unwillingness to deal with the pig, which has continued to romp unimpeded through Kazuul, Turntimber and a series of gated residential communities.

“I ain’t touching that thing,” said local filler Guardian Zendikon. “Have you seen the size of the teeth on it? They must be 11 or 12 inches long! I may be 10 feet tall. I may be 200 feet tall. Without a guy walking next to me or some birds, it’s hard to tell sometimes, even when I’m all faded and in the distance. But I still ain’t blocking a pig with teeth.”

“And it makes the crazy eyes at you!” added the defender. “The Crazy Eyes!”

“Emrakul has shown some emotional imbalance in the past,” said notable Eldrazi psychologist Sarkhan the $70-an-Hour. “He seemed to take the scorn from that aether-lich pretty hard. He has shown an irrational fear of Zulaport or some of the black surrakar neighborhoods that I had previously attributed to racism. And he speaks mysteriously about dreams of being unable to stop something called ‘The Seeker.’

Emrakul’s opinion on the matter has been difficult to discern. So far, none of Zendikar’s hard-working multiethnic press corps has been able to get close enough to score an interview.

“The thing about this ‘pig with teeth’ phenomenon that astounds me the most,” said Theodore Silk, a PhD biologist at The Oran-Rief University, “Is that there is nothing unusual about this red pig. You see, laymen may not think this on a day-to-day basis, but all pigs have teeth. Tusks are just big teeth. All tusks are similar to blades in one way or another. And Emrakul has shown little hesitance annihilating as many as six fireboars at once.”

Added Silk, “And those pigs are on fire! All the time!”

“In this post-Eldrazi world, it makes sense for even the largest and most fearsome among us to treat even small threats seriously,” said Department of Homeland Security Secretary Havington Schnatz. “But Emrakul could never have terror target status.”

“I think he’s just intimidated,” said a local mindsculptor who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “You know what they say about pigs with big tusks. All those tentacles must be compensating for something.”