Jumping Through ‘Hoops’ 
Wells Fargo to Open Magic Online Bank
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In a shocking announcement today, major financial services firm Wells Fargo announced that they would diversify their business by opening a branch of their banks on Magic Online. Players would be able to invest and take out loans with the institution, paid in tickets and popular cards.
“This is a fantastic synergistic opportunity for cross-realm promotion of services, provided in real time to our customers,” a spokesman for Wells Fargo said. “Enterprising solutions,” he added.
On opening the program, players will have to scroll through a seven hundred page document and click agree without reading it. Then, Wells Fargo will have access to their Magic Online, email, and any bank accounts (in case of default). Players can expect to pay around 8% interest, called “Event Ticket Funtimes” in company literature. If they are unable to pay the corresponding Funtimes for their loan, the company will forcibly repossess the tickets, or send an armed man to the person’s house until they grind last season’s Standard for enough tickets. To make sure this is possible, Wizards has agreed to open a Jund-only format to make repayment of loans all the more easy.
“We didn’t do any such thing,” a Wizards spokesman said in a press release. “We were just having lunch and then a bunch of papers came flying in the window. We went over to look at them, and bam, apparently we had agreed to this weird-ass contract. It even says we’re not allowed to read it oTHESE WORDS ARE ALL LIES. WELLS FARGOTRON WILL IMPROVE THE LIVES OF ALL DIGITAL AND ANALOG HUMANS,” the spokesman continued.
In addition, players previously unable to afford high-priced but competitve decks such as Mythic will be able to take out mortgages in order to provide access of these decks to a broader base of players. Players simply click over all future earnings from the deck, calculated by assuming they win an eight-man tournament every two hours for the next thirty years. Fifteen-year deck loans are also available for the absurdly well-off. Now, say company Joy Enforcement Agents, the true experience of Magic can, finally, be available to all.
