Would You Like to Play a Game of Magic: the Gathering?

Posted on Thursday, August 19th, 2010 by Marvin Wayne Joshua
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Posted in M11 contest entry, mtg

Hello, would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down. You know, I’ve been trying to get a game going all day, but these people have just been awful. You seem cool, though. I think we’re going to have a good game.

Oh, what’s that deck you have there? I saw an Island. Merfolk, huh? It doesn’t have any counterspells in it, does it? I hate counterspells. They’re just no fun to play against. Getting your spell countered is just the worst, you know? Would you mind playing with a different deck? Yeah, thanks.

Wait, did I spot a Wasteland just now while you were shuffling? What are you running that card for? We’re playing casual here. This isn’t like some Legacy tournament. I mean, sure, Wasteland’s a good card, but landkill is just lame outside tournaments. Magic‘s more fun when everybody gets to play their spells. You agree, don’t you? Of course you do. Oh, good, you’re switching decks again.

So now what’ve you got there? Mono-black, huh? Cool. You can go first. Wait, Duress? Didn’t I say no discard? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it. I hate discard. Losing your spells before you even get to cast them is terrible. No, no, don’t worry about it. Just draw another card to replace it. My turn? Great. Okay, Tundra, Mana Crypt, Sol Ring, Time Walk. What are you looking at me like that for? You’ve played this game before, right? Sometimes you just draw the nuts. My turn again. Island, Black Lotus. No, wait, watch this. Tap everything and cast Stasis and Kismet. No, no, wait! Cast Tinker, sacrifice the Crypt, and get Eon Hub! Isn’t that insane? You’re locked out for the rest of the game, on turn 2!

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? The game’s not even close to over yet! I thought you were cool. I thought we could just play a fun casual game. What are you, a flake? Oh, yeah? Why don’t you come over here and say that? You take that back! My mother is a saint! Go to hell! Yeah, keep walking! God, why is everyone who plays this game such a dick? No one wants to play a simple casual game. Fucking asshole.

Oh, hello. Would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down.