Player Calls Magic Cards Mere “Cardboard”

Posted on Tuesday, September 4th, 2012 by paz
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BREMERTON, WA – The trading card game industry was reeling yesterday as Aaron Haylin, 17, of Bremerton rocked its foundations at what some are calling a “metaphysical” level.

It all started at local shop Zeus’s Mjolnir Comics and Cards, as Haylin and fellow Magic: The Gathering enthusiast Brenden Thelsby tussled over a potential transaction.

“He wanted my Hallowed Fountain but I didn’t really want anything in his binder,” Thelsby said. “So I said to him, ‘I’ll just sell it to you for 20 bucks?’ That’s when it happened.”

According to Thelsby and other sources, Haylin then said, “Are you kidding? I’m not paying 20 bucks for what really is nothing more than a piece of cardboard.”

The statement sent ripples of realization through the surrounding Magic: The Gathering players and collectors. They tossed their decks into the air and pulled their cards out of their binders, flinging them to the floor and spitting upon them. What previously they cherished, they were now tearing up, cutting up, and punching holes through.

We caught up with Haylin and he confirmed what had happened.

“It’s no big deal,” Haylin said. “The event surprised me no more than any other event. After all, events are just ‘stuff happening,’ so a particular event is really the same as any other.”

When asked if this worldview extended to anything else in Haylin’s life, he began an enthusiastic monologue. “Oh my, yes,” he said. “The other day my buddy Mike said he was ‘excited’ about a new X360 video game. But what is an X360 video game but silvery metal and plastic formed into a disc? I can get those component parts for pennies; that idiot is ready and willing to shell out $60!”

“Speaking of $60, that’s also pretty substanceless,” Haylin continued, pulling various monies from his wallet. “Look at this stuff,” he said, waving bills around. “What is this, anyway? It’s, like, just paper,” he added, before tearing his money into confetti and throwing it to the ground in audible disgust.

“I almost hesitate to call Mike a ‘friend,'” admitted Haylin. “I mean, what more is he than a collection of cells which, in turn, are just collections of various molecules? I might as well call the graphite in my pencil a ‘friend,’ since that’s carbon-based, too.”

“Some say my outlook is bizarre,” Haylin concluded, “But I think it’s pretty radical.”