Author: KingRamz

When I came to, I was facedown on the ground with a mouthful of dirt. Then the headache came
crashing in with a vengeance, along with a new, throbbing pain in my face. “Uhn,” I said. “Mrph,”
I continued, as I spat out the mouthful of dirt, then turned face up. It was really bright out.
Someone was standing over me, but my vision was still blurry, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Wasn’t the right shape for Garruk, and plus, I wasn’t dead, so it wasn’t him. Maybe it was that
guy with the shield? “Who…?” I managed.

When she spoke, I had my answer. “As articulate as ever, Robert. Having a bad day?”
I stiffened. I loathe being called Robert. There’s only one person that ever calls
me that. A person whom, not coincidentally, I also loathe. I squinted, and what I was
seeing began to arrange itself into some semblance of her face.

“Elspeth Tirel,” I said. “Should’ve known from that guy’s jump. If you wanted to talk,
I could’ve just climbed down.”

“My way was better,” she said, “because it hurt you, and you are a detestable human being who
deserves to suffer.” She said that last part as if it was a fact that should’ve been obvious to
anyone, including myself. No anger, no malice. All white, all the time, that was Elspeth. As you
can imagine, she and I got along great. About as well as Chandra and self-restraint, or
Garruk and bathing.

“Fantastic,” I said. “You sound like my ex-wife. Are you going to kill me, or am I
going to have to get up?”

“I’m not going to kill you. In your current state, I think that would be a mercy.” Tell me about it.
I struggled to my feet. Didn’t even bother to dust off my robes, which I was pretty sure actually
had some blood on them at this point from my nose. What a day.

For the moment, I ignored Elspeth and took in my surroundings. I’d noticed the light was
brighter than I would’ve expected when I woke up, and that was because I wasn’t in the forest
any more. In three directions, as far as the eye could see, there was rolling grass. Also
known as absolutely nothing. Behind me, maybe fifty yards away, was the forest. I’d apparently
been dragged out of there, probably by the same guy that had smashed my face in. Several guys
who looked just like him were standing around me and Elspeth in a rough circle, probably just
waiting for me to make a move. There were five of them, which didn’t bode well for me. It meant
Elspeth had had all the time she needed to prepare her defenses. If it came to blows, I wouldn’t
even be able to scratch these guys.

“Indeed. You are free to pick a fight, but it will not go well for you,” said Elspeth,
satisfied that I had come to the desired conclusion.

“Don’t suppose you’d be willing to spirit me back to my office?”

“Not at the moment, Robert. We have things to discuss. You will not leave until I will it.”
The soldiers came in closer to me. I was starting to get tired of being pushed around by
planeswalkers who just wanted to “talk.” But I still had no idea where I was, and Elspeth
was my best chance of getting back to the city in a reasonable amount of time, so I figured
I might as well play along. Her crew of unstoppable footmen might have had something to do
with the decision, too.

“Of course we’ve got things to discuss. You could’ve just come to my office for this.
Oh, right, detestable human being. Fine. What do you want from me, Elspeth?”

“Liliana Vess and Chandra Nalaar are planning something together,” she said. “Chandra
recently engaged your services, did she not?” I wondered if every planeswalker just had
my office bugged. Or maybe she was working with Garruk?

“Yeah, she did. Didn’t have anything to do with Liliana Vess, though. Like I told Garruk,
I haven’t seen her in months.” No surprise from her that Garruk was on the same trail. The
idea that they were working together was looking pretty good.

“It is possible she knows more than she is telling you.” Spoken like a true industry veteran.
“I do not know what they are planning, but whatever it is, it must be stopped.”

“So… you want to hire me to find out what it is they’re up to?”

“No. I want you to swear an oath not to complete the work Chandra Nalaar hired you to do.
I will not ask you to divulge her secrets, but I must assume that your failure to complete
the task will stymie their plot together.”

“Oh, is that all? Yeah, sure, that’s fine. I swear on whatever it is you consider holy
that I will not finish the job Chandra hired me for.”

She hadn’t been expecting me to agree that easily. “Oh. Well, then… excellent. I am
glad we came to an agreement.” Being white, she immediately accepted the oath at face value,
because who would ever break an oath like that? Of course, I had no intention of honoring
it. I’m a black wizard. We do anything to win.

“So, Elspeth,” I said, figuring I should get while the getting was good, “since I agreed
to your request, you think you could do me a favor in return? I don’t know where I am.
If you could ‘walk us to the headquarters of the Wizards of the Coast, that’d be swell.”

Elspeth grimaced. I clearly wasn’t exactly on her good side. But the scales were
tipped in my favor, as far as she was concerned. “Very well,” she said. “And then we will
be even.” She closed her eyes, raised a hand, concentrated, and a wave of nausea caught me
as we appeared in front of the building housing the Wizards’ lair. I somehow managed to keep
the nothing I’d eaten down.

“Hey, thanks a lot, Elspeth,” I said after taking a moment to compose myself. “You really
helped me out.” But I still hadn’t forgotten about the broken nose. “That reminds me, how’d
that thing with Nicol Bolas go?” She frowned. “I’m just saying, he’s a pretty powerful dude.
I’m glad to see you made it out in one piece.”

She glared at me. “I didn’t duel Bolas. You are thinking of Ajani Goldmane.”

“Oh, right, that was him, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. How about the fight
against the Eldrazi? That was on Zendikar, wasn’t it? How are they holding up?
Have you been back?”

She gritted her teeth. “That,” she hissed, “was Gideon Jura.”

“Oh. Oh! That’s right, I’m so sorry,” I drawled. “I guess you
white planeswalkers just all look the same to me.”

Elspeth’s eyes flashed, and her hand went to her sword. I’d anticipated that, and I
was ready with my power. I closed my eyes, reached deep into myself, and revealed
Elspeth’s deepest, darkest secret.

It was a really, really big wurm.

Elspeth shrieked in agony and dropped to the ground, just like Garruk had. “Wait, so
you and Garruk, huh? Is that some kind of euphemism, or is it really… you know what,
you’re busy, I’ll just go.” I turned towards the entrance to the Wizards’ building,
and came face-to-face with a very unhappy, very unharmable soldier. And his four pals.

“Oh right,” I said. “Forgot about you guys.”

They’d only barely started beating the hell out of me when the first one thudded to
the ground. The rest of them followed suit, one by one. I uncurled from the fetal position
so I could see what was happening. They were snoring. I was just thinking it must be my
lucky day when my eyelids started getting heavy, too. It had been a really rough day.
I just needed a quick rest… Then I heard a voice.

“Don’t worry, bro. I got you covered. We’ll have you out of there in no time.” Oh, no.
Not him. Anyone but…

I felt my stomach flip-flop as I drifted off to sleep. Everything went black.

Will Bob wake up from his mysterious sleep? Whose voice did he hear right before
drifting off? And seriously, are we ever going to find out about Hans? Find out in Part
4 of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!

When I came to, I was alive, which was a great start. But it quickly went downhill.
The hangover I’d had got together with the beating the tarmogoyf had given me and had little headache babies inside my head. I had a sharp pain in my back from the rock I was bent backwards over. A musclebound hulk of a man covered in animal skins
stood over me, snarling, breathing heavily and smelling like a locker room the day before laundry day.

The smell wasn’t
the thing that most concerned me right at that moment, though. The man also had one of his thick, meaty fists gripping my
throat. He wasn’t strangling me, but it seemed like things might go that direction soon if I didn’t play my cards right.

But that wasn’t the thing that most concerned me right at that moment, either. The man also had pushed his thigh pretty
deep into my personal space, preventing me from pulling my knees together. That was alarming enough to snap me to alert
in spite of the raging headache.

“Garruk Wildspeaker,” I said, trying to remain about as cool as I could with a thigh the size of a tree trunk about
an inch from my valuables, “fancy meeting you here. You’re not even going to buy me dinner first?”

“WHAT?” The meathead looked confused, and I breathed a little easier as he let go of my throat. “BEFORE DOING WHAT?”

“You tell me. You’re the one that apparently decided to get intimate while I was unconscious. Getting a little too close
for comfort with your thigh right there.” He looked down at his own thigh and blanched, apparently not having realized the
connotation of what he’d been doing. He backed away hastily.

“WHOA,” he said. I was pretty sure he couldn’t actually control the volume of his voice. “THAT’S JUST HOW I SAY HELLO, OKAY?”

“Whatever you say,” I said, pushing myself up and off the rock and dusting off my robes. “None of my business. So was that your
pet tarmogoyf that pounded out the Love Song of Night and Day on the back of my head?”

“I SENT HIM TO BRING YOU TO ME, BECAUSE WE NEED TO SPEAK. I DID NOT KNOW HE’D LEARNED TO PLAY MUSIC.” Whatever you might say
about Garruk, he’s not a subtle guy.

“You could’ve just sent a note or something, like a normal person, instead of going with the method that leaves me feeling
like I got hit by a dreadnaught. Why should I even listen to you after you had your tarmogoyf beat the hell out of me and drag
me out here to -” I looked around to take in my surroundings more clearly. “-the middle of the forest?”

“HA HA HA,” he said. I don’t mean he laughed; I mean he said those words. “YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE LOST IN THE
WOODS, AND YOU HAVE NO OUTS. I CHECKED. YOU WILL NEED MY HELP TO FIND YOUR WAY.”

I rubbed my temples. This was going to be a long day. I wasn’t at all sure that I wouldn’t be able to make it out on my own,
but I was sure he could speed things up for me if he wanted. Might as well humor the big lummox. “Fine,” I said. “What do you want?”

“LILIANA,” he said. “LILIANA VESS,” he clarified, as if there were other Lilianas he might be talking about.

“Okay. What’s that got to do with me? I don’t know where she is. Haven’t seen her in months.” Dame had a way of
disappearing without a trace after she’d gotten what she wanted. Sometimes, she’d take half your stuff, too.
Was worth it, though, for all the things she taught me. That woman could tutor, if you know what I mean,
and we worked really well together. Fun while it lasted.

“YOU WERE WITH CHANDRA. CHANDRA AND LILIANA ARE PLOTTING SOMETHING TOGETHER. WHAT DID CHANDRA WANT?”
He was starting to sound desperate. Lily must’ve done a number on him.

“Sorry. My clients’ business is strictly confidential. Didn’t get my reputation as a reliable confidant by coughing
up everyone’s secrets all over the place.” Then he hit me. Sudden backhand across the face. I hadn’t been expecting
it, and it felt like being struck by a lightning bolt. I staggered backward, reeling from the blow. Then,
before I could think about it, I did something stupid. I hit him back.

I landed a pretty solid punch to his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He grunted with surprise.
Guys like him never expect me to be able to put up a fight; probably because I’m black. In my line of work,
that just makes it all the more important to hit the gym and get my workouts in. Of course, that doesn’t
mean I can go toe-to-toe with green guys built like refrigerators, and usually when I get into an altercation
like that, I’m in the city and I have an escape plan. Here, I was out of my element, and Garruk was right at home.
Not to mention I had no idea where I was. So I didn’t bother to run. I just waited to see what he’d do next.

That was when he flipped.

Veins in his forehead, neck and forearms started to pulse and turn black. His irises followed suit.
The guy went from angry to completely-lost-it enraged. I was pretty sure he was about to start frothing
at the mouth. He advanced on me, and I knew that the situation was about to get very, very bad for me.
So I used the last trick I had left.

I closed my eyes and reached into myself to access my power – the power to reveal someone’s deepest,
darkest secrets. People are so entrenched in their layers and layers of doubt and self-deception that
when you peel it all back and show them what’s in their own minds, it has a potent, frequently even
painful, impact. And then you have planeswalkers, whose minds are so messed up with multifaceted
consciousnesses and knowledge of alternate dimensions that seeing the wrong thing at the wrong time
can bring down the whole house of cards.

For Garruk, the thing I revealed was… a really, really big wurm. I was actually disappointed,
and pretty sure I was about to die, but then he dropped his weapon, fell to his knees, clutched his
temples and shrieked like I’d just shown him Emrakul itself. At that point I figured my chances
with the woods were better than my chances with Garruk when he finally recovered from whatever
it was I’d shown him, so I picked a direction and took off running.

After a few minutes and several roots I’d tripped over, I stopped to think. I was sure Garruk
wasn’t dead, that he’d immediately follow my trail when he regained his faculties, and that when
he found me, I’d be too dead to be sure of anything else any more. I hadn’t made it out of the
woods yet, and I probably wasn’t going to before he caught up to me. I realized I had to do
something that he would never expect me to do.

I climbed a tree.

I was actually a fairly experienced tree climber, as it frequently comes in handy for me in situations
like the one I was in. A minute later, and I was safely perched on a branch near the top of the tree.
Just in the nick of time, too – as soon as I’d settled in, Garruk came crashing through with all
the grace of a drunk walrus. He didn’t even slow down when he passed underneath my hiding spot.
I love it when a plan comes together. I figured I’d give him a nice head start down the wrong path
before trying to find my way out of the forest. Half hour ought to do it.

Hours later, I realized I’d zoned out while listening for signs of Garruk and trying to forget how
badly my head hurt. I looked down at the ground and saw a guy standing at the base of the tree. He
was wholly unremarkable-looking; he wore standard-issue infantry armor, carried a spear and a shield,
and had a plain, forgettable face. You’ve seen one soldier, you’ve seen them all. Certainly
wasn’t anybody I recognized. He was also looking straight up at me. At that point, my cover was
blown anyway, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to see if I could get some useful information out of
the soldier. Like, for example, if Garruk was still nearby, or maybe which way was out.

“Hello down there,” I called out. “You haven’t seen an angry planeswalker nearby recently, have you?”
The guy didn’t say anything. He tensed his legs for a jump, and sprang into the air.
And then, at the apex of his jump, when he should’ve started falling back to the ground,
instead, he kept coming. And was actually coming faster, on a direct collision course with yours truly.

“Oh, shi-” I said, as his shield collided with my face. Everything went black.