Author: paz

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(This article contains zombie language.)

Warren Brothers announced earlier today its summer 2012 blockbuster movie, “Armageddon 2: Nightmares from Space,” which, they tout, hearkens back to the classic horror movies of the seventies. While we already know Bruce Willis won’t be returning to the franchise, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that two Wizards of the Coast employees would get the chance to take their first tentative steps into the movie industry. Richard and Chris, of Rotting Legion fame, were picked to play the roles of two major zombie villains in the movie. We caught up with the lucky two in Washington, a few hours before they boarded a plane to Los Angeles.

“Yeah, it’s a wonderful feeling we’re having right now,” said Richard, the oldest of the two lucky corpses. “We’ve all been shambling and rotting for so long, we were starting to think that maybe our chance would never come. At least, I know I was.”

“In this business, you have a rather short window of employment,” added Chris, a clayish cadaver who first appeared as Gluttonous Zombie some years ago before losing a lot of weight and expanding his resume with Rotting Legion. “After a while, so much meat has fallen off that you can’t really land a gig as a zombie. You have to settle for some figuration work, far in the background where no one can really see you, and then you’re off the zombie wagon stuck doing skeleton work.”

“But zombie work is so different from skeleton work, you really must go back to actor school or something to relearn everything. It’s not an easy transition for most of us,” added Richard. “Plus, there’s no expiration date for skeletons, unless they’re ground to dust or something. So the most experienced skellies land the most gigs, and they stay the most experienced until they tire of it. It can take a while for a new guy to get a decent job.”

When asked about the script, the eyes of the two rotting pieces of what was once human meat lit up. Richard was the first to speak.

“I play the role of this famous lawyer who has just put an end to his relationship with this famous actress because of a dark secret and… ha ha! Just kiddin’! We walk around, trying to catch a guy and his kid in a city devastated by a meteor that’s transformed all of the dead into zombies. We don’t catch that guy – I mean, he’s the hero of the movie – but we do catch his best friend later on and all gang up on him. It’s pretty gory.”

“We chew on his brain! How cool is that!?!” Said a rather excited Chris.

“It’s gonna be a great movie! A heck of a thrill ride, I’m sure of it,” Richard added, then paused for a few seconds before continuing. “The producers also want us to stress the fact that there’s lots of tits…sorry, public nudity… in the film,” said Richard hesitantly, apparently a bit sensitive about the issue. We’re not ET or TMZ or anything, but we HAD to ask about that. Both immediately got an apologetic, pus-oozing look on their faces.

“Yeah, we’re no longer into that sort of thing so I feel a bit uncomfortable selling it,” explained Richard. “I’ve been… unequipped… for a while, now. Still, it’s kinda weird to think about the old Behemoth Sledge. I’m okay with it now because some time has passed, but, you know, it used to be such a huge part of my life…”

“…Oh yeah, HUGE,” he added, with a smile that probably would never land him a job on a toothpaste ad.

“Same for me. Hey, that reminds me: I think I left my ‘Trusty Machete’ somewhere in the car on my way here, along with some chunk of abdomen,” said Chris. “I really need to get that stuff out of there before the stink messes up the car for good… it’s a rental,” he explained.

When interrogated about their current jobs as a Magic: the Gathering creatures, both zombies seemed ill at ease.

“Frankly, I’m not seeing this gig leading us anywhere,” confessed Richard after a while. Chris nodded in approval. “It’s just that, well, we do have a decent, if somewhat uncommon, power/toughness… and it’s only proper, seeing as there must be ten of us squeezed into the same card… However, we do cost 5 mana to play, and then we enter the battlefield tapped…”

“Plus we don’t fly,” Chris chimed in. “So, I mean, seriously, there’s better creatures out there for the mana. If only we had deathtouch, or even an activated ability…”

“Everybody at Wizards has been very supportive, and they all congratulated us on our new job. They seemed genuinely happy for us.” Richard said. “I think they’ll replace us with Gary and Steve, the dudes from Rank and File… that is, if they’ve haven’t lost too much flesh already,” he promptly added.

“Isn’t Gary (the one-headed one) busy working on Skeletonize?” asked Chris. Richard couldn’t confirm.

When asked about what they expect after their first movie job, the two zombies simply shrugged.

“We’re hoping this one movie will give us the exposure we need to land a few other gigs, make a name in the business.”

“Put some meat on the resume, ha ha ha,” laughed Chris.

“We really wanted to get cast in the upcoming Walking Dead tv series, but sadly we weren’t picked for the pilot; we didn’t have any experience back then. But there’s tons of zombies in that comic slash movie, and most of them die (again) at some point or another, so they’re bound to need us somewhere down the line. We’re pretty hopeful,” concluded Richard.

So, there you have it. It certainly is possible to lead a purposeful life away from Magic: the Gathering, but it may still stink. In the meantime, be sure to check Richard and Chris in Armageddon 2: Nightmares from Space, which should hit theatres in June or July next year. Don’t blink, or it may already be on video.