Category: card

  • Ultra-Rare Magic Card Found At Garage Sale

    So you’re driving home through suburbia, on one of those sunny Friday afternoons. You’ve skipped your last class, you’re looking forward to the weekend; life is good.

    When you see it – and you slam on the brakes. It’s a garage sale. Sure, there may just be a bunch of junk, but you never know. You have to make sure. You park across the street, and walk up the driveway, eyeing the tables of junk.

    It’s immediately clear that something is not quite right about this particular garage sale. Mixed in with the children’s toys and used CDs, are some more… unusual items.

    You notice a can of peanuts on a table. Who sells peanuts at a garage sale? They’re not American peanuts either. They’re some brand you’ve never heard of. You pick them up and read the label. “WARNING: MANUFACTURED ON EQUIPMENT ALSO USED TO MAKE PANTS. MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PANTS.”

    You put them down, shaking your head. Focus, focus. You scan the tables. Let’s see… a Rubik’s Revenge… Amazing Fantasy #15… some Weebles… a Gutenberg Bible… some bits of string… a one-penny magenta stamp… a lunchbox with pictures of R2-D2 and C-3P0… these aren’t what you’re looking for. And then you see it. A long, narrow cardboard box. It could only hold Magic cards. This is it, the holy grail of garage sales. It’s the moment you’ve been dreaming of, ever since that peacock gave you 3 wishes and you blew them all. This is your chance to buy valuable Magic cards for next to nothing.

    You make a bee-line for the box. You can feel a man watching you; it’s the guy running the sale. He’s smiling. Like he’s in on something that you aren’t. Well whatever; you’re on the verge of screwing him over big-time, there’s no time for trading smiles. You flip open the box, eager to see the Magic cards that you know must be in it.

    And the box does have Magic cards. It does. But they’re wrong, horribly wrong.

    You look up, to see the man standing beside you, still smiling.

    “How much for this card,” you ask, not sure you even want it.

    “It’s free,” the man says, “but there’s still a price you pay.”

    “I don’t understand.”

    “It’s a dollar. A quarter. Make me an offer.”

    “What set is this from? I don’t recognize the expansion symbol.”

    “It’s rare,” the man says. “Very rare.”

    “Do you mean that it’s a rare card, or… that it’s rare.”

    The man looks at you.

    “It’s good,” the man says at last. “Con-struc-ted wor-thy.” Like he learned the words from a phrasebook.

    You stare at it. “How does it work?”

    “Animate Artifact. 23/23.” The man waggles his eyebrows.

    “But I mean, if I just have it in my deck it’ll be in play?”

    “You don’t need it in your deck.”

    That doesn’t sound right. You smile weakly and turn away from the card. “Hey, how much for the one-penny magenta?”

    But the man will hear none of it. He presses the card into your hands, firmly. “You are here for the card.” It is undeniable. “Now go.”

    Well, what harm can come of it, you think, as you drive away. It’s just a game. If you can’t make the card work for you, you can always trade it away to some kid. Just the thought of it cheers you up, and you drive the last few blocks home in a blissful daze. You turn left on Illuminati, then right on Illuminati. You park in front of the Illuminati, lock the Illuminati, and stroll up the Illuminati.

    To where your Illuminati is waiting for you.

  • Prodigal Menace

    It’s well known in the Wizarding world that Sorcerers are good looking, and the reason is because they work out a lot. One of their favorite workouts is called the Cone workout, where they do three sets of lifting, each with more weight than the previous.

    That doesn’t have anything to do with this card, except that it is also something liked by Sorcerers.

    Where do Sorcerers get their vast magical powers? Did they all perform a secret dastardly ritual? Perhaps they studied for years in a coastal institute for magical learning? By studying them, we hope to learn the answer to this question some day.

  • Rainbow Unicorn

    Lisa Frank is an American pop artist who designs stickers and school supplies with lots of rainbows, unicorns with rainbow horns, dolphins, pandas that paint rainbows, dalmatians with rainbow spots, and dancing bears in shades.

    This card was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon.

  • Segway Goblin Transporter

    “As big a deal as Skullclamp”, said Mark Rosewater; “maybe bigger than Memory Jar”, said Tom LaPille. They’re talking about project Ginger, a.k.a. “IT”. Since last January it has also been the Magic world’s most-speculated-about tech.

    I present to you: Segway Goblin Transporter.

    This card was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon.

  • Tired Redux

    You know how Wizards of the Coast keeps printing cards with two of the same guy, either facing each other, or back-to-back? This is kind of like that.

    This card was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon.

  • Very Narrow Joke

    The joke is that Magic Set Editor is bad. This card was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon.

  • Think Hard

    These cards were created after Seeds of Strength was released, ushering in a new era of simple wording templates for the number three.

    Both were originally posted on The Magic Lampoon.

  • Rube Goldberg, Artificer

    Crafted ages ago by the venerable Paz, this card has the errata of giving the targeted permanent haste this turn. Rube Goldberg, Artificer was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon a great number of ages ago.

  • Dictionary Strike Force

    This is what the wording templates looked like before the much-needed M10 changes. Dictionary Strike Force was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon many years ago.

  • Diabolic Turing Machine

    Diabolic Turing Machine was originally posted on The Magic Lampoon. The joke is that no one knows if an odd perfect number exists or not.