‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections 
Fast Breaking News Flash! Wizards to get celebrity help
Information leaked about Wizard’s plans to revamp its sagging brand
News leaked today of some of Wizard’s plans to overhaul its sagging tournament scene less than a day after their announcement that Champs events would be cancelled for 2008. The information comes from Steve Bates, the candy and soda machine filler for the Hasbro subsidiary Wizards, and he spoke under condition of anonymity since no official announcement has yet been made. Calls placed to Wizards were not immediately returned.
“They are moving towards hiring a celebrity to be the front man for the tournament scene.” Steve told us. “The likely candidates, from what I’ve been able to hear (editor’s note: in addition to being very bad at reading disclosure contracts and trusting the media, Steve also is adept at listening in on conversations, his mom must be so proud), include Vern Troyer, Peyton Manning, and Zak Dolan.” He added.
Vern Troyer, of Mini Me fame, has recently become somewhat of a cultural icon for his commercial for World of Warcraft. Vern is a Mage (and a master of the arcane), but a little known fact is that he is also an avid Magic the Gathering (MtG) player. Vern has been known to frequent MtG bulletin boards and argue any and all comers on a variety of topics, including the economy, women’s fashion, love, the superiority of Microsoft products, why the NBA is not hemorrhaging fans, and whether or not you’ve just committed a scum tell. (editor’s note: out of respect for Vern, we will not divulge his online alter-ego).
Zak Dolan, the first ever Magic world champion is also known for his trading prowess. He once, according to Wizard’s own magazine The Deulist, traded the contents of a revised starter deck to make a deck that beat a fully powered deck. (editor’s note: we could easily make an RM joke here about the veracity of outrageous trades, but that would imply that Zak isn’t a stand-up guy, which is totally not true).
Peyton Manning, well, he’ll endorse anything, so why not? We caught up with his handlers while Peyton was on a Rite-Aid Vitamin Butter commercial shoot. They had no comment.
Steve concluded out interview by mentioning, “Did you know that Mark Rosewater drinks like 6 TaB colas a day? Seriously, I thought that stuff caused brain cancer.”
