So You’re an Elk Now

Posted on Tuesday, October 29th, 2019 by Oko
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Posted in food, mtg

In your past life, perhaps you were a powerful wizard, a complicated piece of machinery or an apple or something — it doesn’t matter. The point is you’re an elk now, and I, Oko, Thief of Crowns, Master of Deception, Shunner of Blouses am here to explain what you can expect from your new life.

1) Poop wherever. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an elk or a deer, but they’re constantly pooping and they’re doing it everywhere. Embrace the freedom to do your business wherever you like. Inside? Yes. Outside? Of course. All over the carefully arranged banquet I just set up? Yes, unfortunately there as well. I’m not sure why my powers are making food and creating animals that are constantly contaminating it. Life is full of mysteries.

2) You’re massive! What size do you think an elk is? That’s like a big deer right? Maybe a 1/1 or a 2/1 or something? Wrong baby, you’re a 3/3! You’re the size of a mammoth or a small dragon. Knights: people with weapons and armor on the back of a large horse are no match for you. And if you run into something bigger than you? Don’t worry, that’s going to be an elk too soon enough.

3) No clothes. I’m jealous! As you can probably tell from my spectacular abs, I’m no fan of society’s prudish conventions, and if I could, I’d probably go without these pants as well (not wearing pants makes it more difficult to find attendees to my feasts). You, on the other hand, are unfettered by civilization’s cruel obsession with fabric and you can let it all hang out. On the downside, I’m not going to hit on you anymore. Despite what you may have heard, I do not… fraternize… with my employees (that’s you).

4) Stop eating all the food. You’re an elk, which means you can survive by eating moss and grass. I think that’s what you eat anyway. The food on the tables is off limits — that’s for the guests. Don’t worry, they’re getting turned into elks too so there’s no need to be jealous. I love making food even more than turning things into elks, which is why I’d appreciate it if you guys stop attacking the banquet as soon as I’ve left the room.

In any case, I hope this was informative. I thought it would be necessary to write this primer, as I’ve turned most of the Kingdom into elk and most of you just stare at me blankly like I’m supposed to know what you do once you become one.