Rogue Band of Planeswalkers Destroys Plane for Fun and Profit

Posted on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 by xepel
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Posted in mtg

A secretive group of planeswalkers known only by the name “Wizards of the Coast” has claimed responsibility for the sundering of the Alara plane into five separate shards. It has long been wondered what sort of evil force could rip a world apart into little pieces, each of which lacked the full range of mana types.

The following is a message from these so-called “Wizards,” gloating over their nefarious deeds.

Greetings puny subjects and enthralled consumers,

We know you. We know everything about you. Why? Because we’re Wizards, and we’re awesome like that. We know you are addicted to conflict, addicted to ‘gold.’ You’ll give anything – cash preferred, firstborns accepted – for a taste of what we will give you. So we give you what you want – aggressive 5/4 creatures for 3 mana, artifact creatures that will make affinity insane – and you give us what we want. Who cares what happens to all those other helpless individuals?

Yes, so we had to kill a few million humans ands other ‘lesser’ races. And sure, we had to completely destroy and mutilate the ecosystems to conform them to three-color shards. Hey, we even violated the bodies of many of the fallen to populate some of the places with undead. It’s not like you guys care about their pain and suffering. You revel in it!

We forced some creatures into weird tri-color combinations that don’t make a whole lot of sense, but their loss is your – and our – gain. Gold is good, even if there isn’t any real logic behind it! Fills our pockets with cash, and that’s what matters.

So don’t blame us for the devastation of Alara. It’s your fault, we just gave you what you want.

Oh, and don’t worry – there’s going to be lots of pain and suffering in the future for those inhabitants of Alara. Just imagine the devastation when those shards crash back into one another! Oh, the profits will be glorious.

Thanks again for the cash, we always have your best addictions at heart.


Lead Destroyer of Worlds for the Wizards of the Coast

From left to right, DeLo, BiRO, MaGo, and MaRo, destroying yet another plane of existence
to profit off the addiction of consumers.

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