Gwafa Hazid Convicted on Charges of Bribery and Treason

Posted on Thursday, February 26th, 2009 by Tristal
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Feb 26, 2009 – Gwafa Hazid, profiteer and legendary real estate success, was found guilty by the Supreme Court today of bribery and high treason. Over the past three decades, Hazid navigated the real estate world like none other and brokered trade deals that none thought possible. After a rousing success in the financial field, he later moved on to the political arena as an intermediary negotiator.

“He seemed to know what everybody wanted,” remarked an anonymous source close to Hazid during the Israeli-Palestinian peace accord in 2006. “Instead of playing on Israeli and Palestinian resources, which has never worked, he just offered them a Mountain and an Island to stop attacking each other. Unfortunately, as soon as Gwafa hopped on a plane back to the States, they were back at it again.”

According to the source, similar closed-door deals had been struck up nearly everywhere Hazid went, including Bosnia, Tibet, and recently Zimbabwe.

“Zimbabwe was being torn apart by disease and rioting,” commented the source, “but they had all kinds of land already. Gwafa had to offer them something different.” Hazid offered each leader some Healing Salve to distribute to their people. “I think it only saved about 6 lives, but it mollified them.” Hazid was lauded for his humanitarian efforts in solving the crisis.

With his recent success in Zimbabwe, he was soon put in charge of negotation efforts in Afghanistan. Unfortunately for him, the situation there made his style ineffective.

“Afghanistan consists of a lot of different tribes warring against each other. One Forest wasn’t going to do it this time. He would need new real estate for each village, something he couldn’t handle. That’s when he got desperate.”

Soon after Hazid’s arrival, Afghani tribesmen were seen using deadlier weapons, such as Death Bombs, and even Rocket Launchers.

General Jarkeld of the American forces was quickly being forced into bad combat situations due to the new weaponry. “I’ve tried to outfox them when I can,” remarked the General, “but really, my abilities are pretty worthless here.”

Even after the surge of new troops in Afghanistan arrived, Hazid had his hands full trying to keep each Afghani tribe satisfied. That’s when, some say, he turned to state secrets.

“We understand sometimes you have to go outside the law to get this stuff done,” explained a senior Pentagon official, “a Tropical Island here, some Grasslands there. It’s when the enemy shows up with Pyrite Spellbombs and whatever the Hell that Progenitus thing was that we start to have problems.”

In a related development, China was recently found to legally own the Everglades.

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