Wizard Energy Beverages

Posted on Saturday, May 9th, 2009 by Basilisk
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Posted in ALR contest entry, best of, mtg

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Welcome to the Wizard Energy Beverage tasting experience! I’m Teferi.

Ertai, Wizard Adept: And I’m Ertai. We’re going to try all of the top Wizard Energy drinks so that you don’t have to.

5-Mana Taste Rating System:

Tastes like a kiss from a blessed fruit golem.

You fall face-first into a pile of dried out old shoes, but someone spilled fresh lemonade over them first, so it’s not all bad.

Tastes like a zombie-cursed imp tree growing on top of a haunted rubbish pile in the plane of festering insects and dying dreams.



Bottle Gnomenergy Classic

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This is the standby energy drink of students at the Tolarian Academy. I remember pulling countless all-nighters on this stuff. It has a tangy berry flavor, but mysteriously it has an odor reminiscent of a healing salve. I could drink this stuff all day!

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Ertai, Wizard Adept: We’re off to a good start here. Bottle Gnomenergy Classic is the drink that walks on its own, and when you drink it, you’ll feel like you are moving on energy that isn’t your own. The only problem is that the kick doesn’t last very long.

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New Bottle Gnomenergy

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This is the reformulated “new” Bottle Gnomenergy, which now comes in two bottle designs, although there is nothing discernibly different between the flavors of each. They added a brassy aftertaste, and took away some of the berry flavor. Why?

Rating:

Ertai, Wizard Adept: This is the drink preferred by all of the Delifs of the Wizarding world. Subpar.

Rating:



KnowlEDGE Thirstberry

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Tasting this is like a nightmare. It’s like you are drinking a dry cloud dipped in ink, with a sharp metallic aftertaste. There are little floating orbs of some sort of jelly, except it’s from a jellyfish of some sort. It even smells like an old library, which is incredible because it looks almost the same as Bottle Gnomenergy. The only good thing about it is that you aren’t thirsty afterwards, but that’s probably because your body develops antibodies that fight off liquids as soon as you start digesting it.

Rating:

Ertai, Wizard Adept: Why is this called Thirstberry? There are no berries anywhere in the flask, unless you count the balls of jellyfish that some beverage mage decided to add to this mixture in a fit of delirium. This has a huge kick to it, though, much more so than Gnomenergy.

Rating:



Suleiman Djinnergy 3% ABV

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This incredible limited-edition drink is a mix of Gin, Mint, and a concentrated energy elixir. After the first sip I was so wired I went outside and beat up a Hill Giant. It’s kind of expensive, though.

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Ertai, Wizard Adept: This was awful. The initial taste was fine, but the aftertaste was like a swift kick in the lungs from a smelly titan with rotting pine trees for feet.

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Bottled NRG Orange Cloister

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: It tastes like a Cloister, all right. Did you know that a Cloister is a piece of architecture, and not a tasty flavor? Imagine you’re drinking a tincture made from chalk and sand, and then someone sets an orange on the table while you drink it, so you can imagine that it tastes like oranges. At least it didn’t try to kill me.

Rating:

Ertai, Wizard Adept: When I drank this, I was fine for a couple minutes, but then I fell asleep. Five minutes later, I was up again with twice the energy I had before. Crazy! It’s too bad it tastes like a gigantic boat full of rocks crashed into a single orange tree.

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Ventifact Xtra

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Wow, I’m afraid to even try this. That’s a real spider. The bottle looks like a necromancer tried to make a thrull out of a potato and a chair.

Rating:

Ertai, Wizard Adept: Even the bottle knows it tastes bad. It’s throwing up a little. I’m throwing up a little.

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Feroz’s Grape

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Oh, I’m glad we are back to normal-looking drinks. Like everything from the Homelands, this costs a lot but doesn’t give you much energy. Through some clever illusion, it looks like there is a small planet inside the bottle, but it tastes like grapes. Not bad!

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Ertai, Wizard Adept: This is the type of drink that all of the Delifs in the world prefer to drink. Bland and ineffective.

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XXtra Clear Energy Tincture

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This tastes like literally nothing. There is no taste, no odor, no viscosity, and no temperature. I don’t see what other Wizards see in this beverage.

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Ertai, Wizard Adept: You can taste the power, but almost nothing else. It takes a very refined and powerful Wizard to enjoy this. It’s also good mixer for vodka.

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Trips Energy Mixxxture

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This comes in three flavors, all in one bottle: Time Grape, Time Blueberry, and Time Raspberry. Each is good in their own right, but when mixed together in the right proportions you are effectively time walking all other beverages.

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Ertai, Wizard Adept: You get a three-for-one on flavor. It’s a tremendous advantage when drinking with enemies, and a good time when drinking with friends.

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Powerwine Iron Fortifier Cola

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Look how intense the guy on the label is. He is bursting with energy.

Ertai, Wizard Adept: There is so much energy in that wine that he became cross-eyed! I bet you can see the future if you drink the whole bottle at once.

Rating:

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: In the future, everything tastes like iron, and then you throw up.

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Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Well, that was an experience.

Ertai, Wizard Adept: An experience that you, the reader, no longer need to have!

Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: I feel like I was punched in the face with a lightning bolt.

Ertai, Wizard Adept: See you next time, if we don’t become corrupted or phase out before then!

 
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