Roy Spires Wins Grand Prix: Vancouver! 
Privileged Magic Players Okay with Expensive Singles
Complaints about the skyrocketing shop prices of chase rares were dismissed today at a gathering of avid Magic: The Gathering players who are concerned about the rising level of concern expressed by other Magic: The Gathering players.
“My concern is that these concerns will disrupt WOTC’s self-correcting economic systems,” said Reginald Q. Farnsworth III, a concerned, middle-aged Magic player who lives comfortably on his generous salary. “And that concerns me.”
According to some players, various chase rares have become prohibitively expensive to purchase as singles, with prices unprecedented in the history of the Standard format.
“These players are socialists,” said Sebastian M. Tennison VII, one of the rally’s lively young coordinators. “They are the lazy and the jobless, expecting free rides and handouts at every turn.”
“$280 for a set of Jace, the Mind Sculptors? Big deal!” he continued. “I spent more than that on a Mai Thai in the cabana bar out front.”
Tennison believes that if people don’t want to pay, they don’t have to play. “No one’s forcing them to play Magic,” Tennison argued in his afternoon keynote speech. “That’s the freedom we’re fighting for here: their freedom not to play!”
Tennison’s words were met with thunderous applause from the audience of entirely white people, which included both upper class people, and lower class people who believe that a better life will osmose to them by pitifully barning the upper class.
Initially, Wizards had stated that their then-upcoming “Mythic Rares” wouldn’t be tournament staples for the “Spike” players, but rather large, unplayable dragons for the “Timmy” players.
But they changed their mind.
“Frankly, capitalism doesn’t work by ‘being nice’ and ‘honoring promises,'” said pundit Edmund Winthorpe, who is given money under the table by Hasbro, Inc. “Nor does it concern itself with ‘equality,’ ‘diversity,’ ‘fairness,’ ‘honesty,’ ‘inclusivity,’ ‘civility,’ et cetera, et cetera. Rather, these are the natural emergent products of pushing customers toward their breaking points.”
“Works every time,” he added, nodding confidently.
