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House GOP Moves to Repeal Ban/Restricted List
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As many insiders expected, U.S. House Republicans formally introduced a new bill today, entitled “The Repealing the Job-Killing Ban/Restricted List Act.”
“The American people are sick and tired of job-killing regulations. That was their message to us in November,” said new Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “They don’t want any sort of government, including metaphorical ‘governments’ like the DCI, stepping in and telling folks what they can and can’t put in their decks.”
Several states, starting with South Carolina as always, have already taken legal steps to repeal the DCI’s ban/restricted list, calling it “social engineering.” The Federal bill is considered an attempt at generalizing that response nationwide.
The act also removes the “4 card” restriction from the Magic rules.
Television and radio personality Glenn Beck took the nation completely by surprise by being in lock-step with the Republicans. “If somebody wants to play 20 Black Lotuses in their Type 2 deck, are we going to say, ‘No, you should be punished for the lifetime of hard work that earned you those Black Lotuses’?” Beck asked.
“We’ve seen this before. It’s called class warfare, socialism, communism, Nazism, Soviet Russia, the French Revolution, the fall of Rome, George Soros, and the execution of Christ,” Beck continued, excitedly drawing lines of chalk from one item to the next.
Meanwhile, Senate Democrats have introduced a bill to broaden the scope of the Ban/Restricted list, called the “The Strengthen the Job-Creating Ban/Restricted List Act.”
“First, we’ll mandate that the DCI’s ban/restricted list be updated every day,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “We’re assuming that updating text on a web page is a tough job, so we’ll pay someone a generously healthy salary and benefits package to do it. BOOM, one job created, right there.”
“Then we’ll say that the DCI must hire 100 of the best Magic players and look at all their best decks, and then ban the most-played cards,” Reid continued. “The easiest and most efficient way for these Magic players to convey the content of their decks would be to pay for them all to fly first class to Renton, Washington from wherever they live in the world and bring their decks along with them. We’ll need to hire professional deck inspectors, professional player evaluators, engineers to build the private jets, crews to fly them…”
“Jobs, jobs, jobs!” Reid added.
The Democrats in the House, however, are responding to the House GOP’s proposal from another angle.
“Calling everything [Congressional Democrats] do ‘job killing’ is false, misleading, and frankly not very nice,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said. “So that is why we’re introducing a bill to make it so they can’t use that term in their official legislation anymore. It’s called ‘The Job-Creating “No More Calling Anything ‘Job-Killing'” Act.'”
But how would such a bill create jobs? “We’ll find a way,” Pelosi said while raising her eyebrows up and down repeatedly.
