Citizens of Ravnica Prepare For the Worst After Big Spinny Wheel Selects Cult Of Rakdos To Manage Pride Festivities

Posted on Thursday, June 8th, 2023
Posted in mtg


“Simply put, we are fucked” explained Ral Zarek, Chairman of the Ravnican LGBTQ Society. “The Rakdos love to remind us that the first Pride was a riot, however that doesn’t mean we need to literally kill and eat straight people. Many of Ravnica’s most distinguished citizens have been great allies to the queer community and they shouldn’t have to worry about their homes and businesses being razed to the ground and then the ashes of those homes and businesses snorted by goblins who don’t fully understand how drugs work.”

“No! We need the molotov cocktails to burn in rainbow colors this month! We can’t do red and black again!” shouted Juri, Master of the Pride Parade, as I arrived for the interview. “Anyway, Pride month, yeah. Lots of great stuff planned. Bricks. Lots of bricks. Don’t tell the Boros though, you get me? We got gay Gruul, Sapphic Simics, and even some asexual Azorius. Plus lots of allies. Anybody willing to throw a brick at a TERF counts as an ally when the Rakdos are in charge!”

“Frankly, this is an outrage. The Orzhov have spent good money on Pride every year making it mainstream, respectable, and profitable, and now these sadomasochists are out in the street flaunting their perversions in front of decent folk and Orhov parishioners! Someone should buy a law against it.”

Niv-Mizzet, the Living Guildpact, could not be reached for comment, attempts to contact the Nivver social network support staff simply resulting in an automatic ‘poop emoji’ response followed by “Happy Pride, get Verified, Ravnica Forever!”

Ral Zarek stood with me on the rooftops watching a dominatrix in a skintight leather onesie be loaded into a cannon at street level, then fired through a window into a restaurant, maiming and scattering a group of Loxodon diners. “Yeah. Yeah. We’re fucked.”