We here at goodgamery.com have done it again! Our crack agents* have infiltrated R&D and have come back with notes from 2010’s fall expansion. The block is code named rape/burn/pillage and its theme is pirates, proving once and for all that Wizards is out of good ideas.
Extensive focus group polling** has shown that players cannot get enough of islands, so this set will have an “islands matter” theme. We are moist with anticipation. ***
Important rules changes for rape block:
- “Battlefield” renamed to “Spanish Main.”
- “Destroy x” retemplated to “Make x walk the plank.”
- “Graveyard” renamed to “Davy Jones’ Locker.”
- Players do not have libraries because pirates cannot read.
Ready to dive in?
White
James Goodhead, Pirate Hunter – 2WW
Legendary Creature – Human Hunter Fop (Mythic)
First Strike
Whenever a pirate enters the Spanish Main or attacks, exile James. Return him to the Spanish Main at the beginning of the next end step.
3/3
Goodhead’s Love Interest – WW
Legendary Creature – Human Harlot (Mythic)
At the beginning of your upkeep, if you control both James Goodhead, Pirate Hunter and Goodhead’s Love Interest, and no pirates are on the Spanish Main, you win the game.
All creatures have: “T: Gain control of Goodhead’s Love Interest.”
0/1
Path to Davy Jones’ Locker – W
Instant (Uncommon)
Make target creature walk the plank. Its controller searches his or her library for an island card and puts that card into play tapped. (Libraries don’t exist.)
Catholic Schoolgirl – 1W
Creature – Human (Common)
Sacrifice a rum: Catholic schoolgirl is a harlot in addition to her other creature types until the beginning of the end step.
2/2
Blue
Stingray – U
Creature – Fish Assassin (Common)
Islandhome
T: Bury target hunter at sea.
Too soon?
1/1
Moby Dick – 6UUU
Legendary Creature – Fish Cetacean (Mythic)
Islandhome, Protection from Ships.
Power and toughness are unknown. (Nobody has ever gotten to the end of Moby Dick.)
*/*
Blue Balls – 1U
Enchantment – Aura (Common)
Enchant Creature
Enchanted creature doesn’t untap during its controller’s untap phase.
Tap a Harlot you control: Make Blue Balls walk the plank. Any player may play this ability.
Black
Smooth Criminal – BB
Creature – Human Pirate Rogue (Common)
Fear
Smooth criminal wishes he were white.
At the beginning of your upkeep, if an opponent cannot prove they are over 18, put a +1/+1 counter on Smooth Criminal. (A valid state driver’s license is acceptable proof.)
Defnitely too soon.
2/1
Blackbeard, Goodhead’s Nemesis – 3BB
Legendary Creature – Human Pirate
At the beginning of each player’s upkeep, that player makes target non-pirate creature they control of their choice walk the plank.
If a Hunter or Harlot walks the plank in this way, put a +1/+1 counter on Blackbeard.
“I know what you’re thinking and yes, the carpet does match the curtains.”
3/3
Bukkake, Whore’s Wage – B
Enchantment – Aura (Uncommon)
Enchant Harlot
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a -1/-1 counter on enchanted harlot for each other creature in play. It becomes white until the beginning of the end step.
Unkill – B
Sorcery (common)
Return target creature from your Davy Jones’ Locker to your hand.
After the first time his spell was renamed, the necromancer was merely demoralized, but after the second time he said unkill.
Red
Pirate Pillager – 4RR
Creature – Human Pirate
1RR, T: Make target artifact or land walk the plank. Masticores that walk the plank this way cannot be regenerated.
4/4
The Beast – 4RR
Legendary Creature – Demon (Rare)
Whenever a Harlot you control becomes the target of a spell or ability an opponent controls, that opponent sacrifices seven creatures.
“Avenged.”
4/4
Persuasive Recruiter – 2RR
Creature – Human Pirate Harlot (Uncommon)
Whenever a creature enter the Spanish Main under your control, that creature becomes a pirate in addition to its other creature types and target opponent sacrifices a permanent unless they pay 2.
“Join us and all this booty could be yours!”
2/2
Fusillade Cannonnade – 3R
Sorcery (Rare)
Until the beginning of the end step, permanents you control gain “T: This permanent deals 2 damage to target creature or player and 3 damage to you. Draw a Card.”
Green
Thai Hooker – 1G
Creature – Human Harlot (Common)
When Thai Hooker enters the Spanish Main, flip a coin. If you win the flip, draw a card. If you lose the flip, put an indestructible green Herp token into play that has “At the beginning of your upkeep, you lose 1 life.”
2/2
Pegleg Privateer – 2G
Creature – Human Pirate (Common)
Pegleg Privateer enters the Spanish Main with 2 leg counters.
If pegleg privateer would be dealt damage, prevent that damage and remove a leg counter from it.
When pegleg privateer has no leg counters, sacrifice it.
3/2
South Pacific Bachelor Party – 2GGG
Sorcery (Rare)
For each harlot you control, each opponent puts one indestructible green Herp token into play that has “At the beginning of your upkeep, you lose 1 life.”
Trojan Man (TM) – 2GG
Legendary Creature – Human Superhero (Rare)
Protection from Harlots.
4/3
Artifact
Captain Morgan Black – 1
Artifact – Rum (Uncommon)
T: Target creature thinks it can fly until the beginning of the ends step. Come next turn, that creature will never want to drink Captain Morgan Black ever, EVER again.
Roofie Delight – 2
Artifact – Rum (Uncommon)
T: Target creature doesn’t untap during its controller’s next untap step.
Yo Ho Ho and This – 4
Artifact – Rum (Rare)
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a 1/1 Pirate creature token onto the Spanish Main.
If you control 15 pirates and your Davy Jones’ Locker contains a pirate, you win the game.
USS Constitution – 6
Creature – Ship (Rare)
Islandhome, Indestructible
3/3
RMS Titanic – 8
Creature – Ship (Mythic)
Islandhome, Not Indestructible
Probably not too soon.
9/9
Land
The Lost Island
Legendary Land – Island (Rare)
Phasing
At the beginning of the end step, a random player gains an extra turn after this one.
“Ben decides that the island is no longer secret enough and turns a big underground dial that moves the island, teleports him to the Sahara desert and back in time three years, and screws up time on the island.” -skamunisM
The Best Little Whorehouse
in the South Pacific
Tribal Land – Harlot Island (Common)
Australia
Legendary Land – Island (Mythic)
You receive an additional 2 armies per turn.
Join us next time when we spoil 2011’s expansion, “drinking/dancing/sodomy.” That third set is a doozy!
* And by that we mean agents that are addicted to crack.
** Focus group membership: LSV and Wafo-Tapa.
*** Like your mother was last night.
