Good Gamery

Author: paz

  • Pro MTG Online #229

    Pro MTG Online #229

  • Dungeon Quest

  • R&D Pup Fetches Lands

    That lovable scamp, Wizards of the Cost R&D puppy “Li’l Tapper,” is at it again! It was a rare sunny day in the Pacific Northwest, and Li’l Tapper was stuck sitting inside the Wizards offices — between the Pepsi machine and a giant fiberglass statue of Goblin Ski Patrol — with his widdle nose pressed against the window, just wanting to play.

    So, when Card Designer Nenny Kagle made his way toward the fire doors, it was no surprise that Li’l Tapper bounded alongside him.

    “No, Li’l Tapper!” said Nenny. “I can’t play now. I have to do something important.”

    Nenny’s task, which he did not relish, was to briefly leave the heavily fortified Wizards compound, and, with all the strength of the mighty right arm of Wizards R&D, cast Onslaught Block, including the powerful and beloved fetchlands, out the door, far into the distance, and out of Extended.

    “You’ve had a good run, Onslaught,” said Nenny, “but it’s about time we all see what the world is like without you for a little while.” He sobbed. “By which I mean still play faeries.” He sobbed again.

    But as he cast open the door, blinded momentarily by tears and the rare encroachment of sunlight, he didn’t notice Li’l Tapper slip through his legs and out into the parking lot. Nor did he notice Li’l Tapper streak out after the cards he hurled into the distance, nor spot him scooting back in through the closing door as Nenny trudged up the stairs and back to his cube.

    In fact, he didn’t notice anything at all until he saw the spoiler for the latest Magic: The Gathering set, Zendikar (which is Yiddish for “Please summon a limousine.”). Sure, enough, there were the fetchlands! They were a little torn up, not quite how they’d used to be, but there was no doubt about it — that pokey little puppy had managed to get yet another reprint into a Magic set!

    “Oh, Li’l Tapper!!!” said Nenny. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Because that furry little ball of fun had managed to squeak out that door, the fetchlands were going to stay in Extended for another fifty dog years.

    When asked how chewed-up scraps of paper left under a chair coated in slobber managed to get into a Magic set, Magical Developer Pom LaTille said:

    “People think all we try to do is kill magic. This simply isn’t true, especially nowadays. We’ve worked very hard to improve our processes, tighten up our review standards, and do our best, especially in the most recent sets, to make Magic the most fun, varied experience it can be.

    But I admit, it is nice every once in a while to get back to our roots. Sometimes I try to kill Magic with two hands at the same time, and I imagine myself diving sideways and hovering in the air with the camera zooming around me in wide circles, catching every tense moment of the action as I just click at random adding or deleting cards from a set.

    We all pretty much think of it the same way. This one time, Tike Murian brought in a crate full of doves, and he kept them under his desk for a year, feeding them and caring for them, just so that he could release them and slide across his desk in slow motion the moment they shipped Tarmogoyf off to print. It was beautiful.

    So, yeah, we pretty much do whatever we think the puppy wants. Who could say no to that face?”

    Li’l Tapper is a black and white Border Collie — which means he is loyal, friendly, good with children, and fond of reprints, a trait he shares with the Nantuko Dachshunt, the Phyrexian Spaniel and the Poodle Aristocrat, which, despite having different breeds, turn out to be functionally identical.

    Various Wizards employees have tried, halfheartedly at best, to say “No” to Li’l Tapper’s antics, with the unexpected result that Cancel has been scheduled for print in every Magic set through 2012.

  • Pro MTG Online #228

    Pro MTG Online #228

  • Drafting UGx in M10

    Warning: This article contains language.

    Alright, serious time guys, let’s talk about M10. It is very fashionable right now to say that M10 draft is a terrible format. I believe the argument goes a little bit like this:

    1. M10 has a lot of bombs.
    2. ???
    3. IT’S ALL LUCK.

    If I hear one more person cry about how they were blown out by Overrun or Sleep I’m going to stab them. Yes there are many uncommon blowout cards can decide a match in M10. This means a couple things for those of us real men who want to get better at this format. First, you want to be the one casting the bombs if possible. Second, you want to be able to answer the bombs coming from the other side of the table. Now this may seem like common sense when I write it out like that, but I see people playing terrible aggro decks that cannot beat Giant Spider daily (let alone Sleep) so clearly someone is not getting the memo.

    Anyway, I’m having some pretty solid success in this format so I’m going to talk about my very favorite archetype: UG(x). UG has a lot of things going for it. First of all, not only can it play 2 of the most absurd uncommon bombs in the format in Overrun and Sleep, but it is well equipped to make the most out of both, by allowing you to amass a large army of dorks while not allowing the enemy to attack profitably. Second, you get access to blue’s draw technology at common, which lets you regulate your draw better than the average bear. Third, you are playing green so you get easy splash access for bullshit like Fireball and Doom Blade if the situation arises.

    Your weakness is that you cannot actually kill things. This is usually okay. As I will get to later, Deadly Recluse is actually a removal spell in disguise, and Entangling Vines does the trick against troubling beaters. Royal Assassin, however, may be a problem unless you are running ICE CAGE. It’s okay though, you are a real man so challenges like that do not deter you. Right?

    Okay so let’s talk about some cards:

    The Finishers: Overrun/Sleep

    These cards are the reason to run UG. If I open one of these cards, I will likely try to draft UG. (If I do not open one of these cards, I will often force UG anyway and hope to grab one later but your mileage may vary.) These are first picks in the archetype, with only a few rares and maybe Mind Control qualifying as better. The idea is to try to craft a board position from which one of these cards wins the game.

    How many is too many? I like to have 2 of the above finishers in my deck if I possibly can. Obviously sometimes this is not possible. I will start taking certain other cards over the third, including premium flyers like Air Elemental or even something like Merfolk Looter if I don’t have any yet.

    Sometimes you are UG and do not have Overrun or Sleep. This is called UG sadface. It is possible to win with UG sadface but it takes longer. Gogo Phantom Warrior.

    The best commons in rough pick order:

    Merfolk Looter

    Looter is fantastic. He finds your lands, your finisher, your answer, or your gasoline, whichever you need most at the time. He also overruns for 4. I love this little bastard. Perhaps most importantly, Looter makes it very possible to win without a finisher. If you are drawing gas while they are drawing lands for too long, eventually you will get there on sheer card quality. Just believe in the power of the loot.

    Deadly Recluse

    I got a lot better at this format when I realized that Deadly Recluse is basically a removal spell. He stops their best dude from attacking, and then he overruns for 4. When you think of it that way, he’s almost better than a removal spell in this archetype. I have first picked this guy and you should too.

    Stampeding Rhino

    The Rhino is a god damn house. He’s offense, he’s defense, he’s pound for pound the best large monster at common for you. PS – Giant Growth yu.

    Giant Spider

    Giant Spider is such a pain in the ass to get around in this format. He blocks nearly every common without breaking a sweat until you need him to go aggro with a finisher. I’ve played so many games where a single Giant Spider neutralizes 3 or more attackers because they simply cannot attack profitably. Hold up Negate and they can’t even get by him with a trick. Run as many as you can.

    Divination

    Card advantage is hard to come by in this format. Divination gets you the necessary gasoline and draws you closer to your finishers. Pick ‘em high.

    Giant Growth

    Combat tricks are huge in this format, and growth is one of the better ones. It will solve a lot of problems for you, including ICE CAGE.

    Entangling Vines

    I would put this higher if you couldn’t count on getting them so late. These are actually key in this archetype as they are your best real removal spell. I recommend playing at least 2 if possible. This should probably go without saying but you want to save them for a creature you can’t otherwise handle if possible; don’t blow them on their turn 3 Warpath Ghoul. Good targets include super evasion creatures like Phantom Warrior and Dread Warlock, huge flyers like Air Elemental, and other pain in the ass creatures like Inferno Elemental.

    Centaur Courser

    Sam Black said this card is probably a trap and I don’t know what the fuck that means, but when your opponent plays a turn 2 dork and you trump it with Centaur Courser, I suppose it might feel like a trap. Seriously, I love this guy. People are addicted to curve and play all kinds of stuff like Silvercoat Lion and Child of Night, both of which Courser shuts down. Courser is also larger than White/Black Knight, which is occasionally important. Follow your Courser with a turn 4 Giant Spider and start beating down.

    Borderland Ranger

    This is a good man. He helps you get to UU or GGG all while providing a nice warm body that overruns for 5 or trades with Warpath Ghoul. Also gets a lot better if you’re splashing.

    Negate

    I said it before in the forums and I will say it again: Negate is blowout insurance for the low, low price of 2 mana. Not only do you get to counter the monster finishers like Overrun/Sleep/Fireball, but you also counter the little annoying combat tricks like Harms Way that can occasionally blow open a game. Someone may have told you at some point that Cancel is better but they are lying to you: UU1 is infinitely harder to hold up than 1U.

    Essence Scatter

    Worse than Negate in my humble opinion, but since you don’t have real creature removal and you often aren’t doing anything important on turn 2, these are nice to have.

    Snapping Drake/Wind Drake

    Why so low, you may ask? Evasion dudes aren’t particularly critical to your strategy of Overrunning or Sleeping their face off. That, and Giant Spider and Razorfoot Griffin slap these guys with their insectoid and leonine dicks, respectively. Short of Giant Growth, you have no way of solving those problems if one of the above are chilling on D. That said, the drakes are in fact solid men, and are often good for a few swings before they get shut down. They’ll usually make the cut.

    Horned Turtle

    Respect the Horned Turtle. Seriously, this motherfucker holds it down.

    Ponder

    I will take all of the above (and maybe some of the below) first if I need them, but if you can pick up a Ponder or two, they should nearly always make the cut. Just don’t cast it on turn 1 like a cone unless you need to find lands. Value goes up if you draft Djinn of Wishes!

    Other commons that you may or may not want in no particular order:

    Elvish Visionary

    I don’t go out of my way to pick this guy, but if I’m short on 2 drops and have Overrun, this is a fine man.

    Llanowar Elves

    This guy’s value definitely goes up if you already have Overrun or a lot of Coursers, but I wouldn’t take it too highly otherwise.

    Naturalize

    Definitely maindeckable in this format, and always nice to have waiting in the board. Try to grab at least one late.

    Oakenform

    Getting yourself 2 for 1’d with a creature enchantment is no way to win the game with Overrun, son.

    Mist Leopard

    …is garbage but sometimes he makes the cut anyway. Barf.

    Unsummon

    I don’t pick them very high but it’s worth noting that they’re better if you have 2 or more Essence Scatters in the deck. Also good to board in if you see creature enchantments and/or lots of Illusionary Servants.

    Rampant Growth

    There’s nothing really good at 4 to ramp into at common. This gets better if you have Cudgel Troll or a splash color.

    ICE CAGE/Illusionary Servant

    You either love these cards or hate them. Personally, I like cards that don’t randomly go dead to a Blinding Mage, especially in an archetype without real removal.

    Craw Wurm/Enormous Baloth

    Yeah I know Baloth is an uncommon, shut up. These enormous expensive dudes are nice as a 1 or 2 of. I wouldn’t play any more than that. Their value goes up if you have a Sleep. Nothing like swinging into an empty board with a Craw Wurm… mmm…

    Notable Other Crap:

    Fireball/Earthquake

    These are easy splashes and you should first pick them in packs 2 and 3 if you are lucky enough to scoop them up. Grab Terramorphic Expanse, Rampant Growth, and Borderland Ranger higher accordingly.

    Doom Blade

    I’ve splashed the swamp for multiple Doom Blades a couple times and it’s pretty solid, as they shore up one of the deck’s main weaknesses: the creature removal department. You know, the removal suite. The removal package. Doom Blade would like a word with you.

    Air Elemental/Mind Control

    Obviously you should pick up these clutch blue uncommons if you get the chance.

    Cudgel Troll

    Clearly nuts. It’s usually worth waiting to turn 5 him against red or black.

    Awakener Druid

    +6/+6 from Overrun! 4/5 haste on turn 4! YAY!

    Howl of the Night Pack

    Yeah this is real good in this deck.

    Wall of Frost

    Horned Turtle is probably better than this thing because the Turtle can join the Overrun party. Just sayin’.

    Natures Spiral

    This is a sick card if you have already picked up Gargoyle Castle or Mind Control.

    Alluring Siren

    Actual flavor text: “Hey there big boy, I think you should impale yourself Giant Spider’s insectoid dick! Come on, it’ll be so fun!”

    Sample Draft

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    Fuck yeah Sleep over Gargoyle Castle.

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    Pump. The. Fist.

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    Mind Spring is some good.

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    I feel like I misclicked here or something, no idea why I took rod of ruin.

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    lolwtf.

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    This draft converter created by Benjamin Peebles-Mundy. Visit the draft converter today!

    Photobucket

    As you can see, I had a pretty good draft here. Usually I'm capable of a little more early damage (no Coursers!) but the 3 recluses and the howl more than make up for that here. I went with 18 lands because of the multiple Looters and the Mind Spring. Flooding will not be a problem for this deck, to say the least. I ended up 3-0, yay!

    I hope you found this article helpful. Now go forth and shred some queues!

  • MADD Educational Drunk Driving Videogame Backfires

    What Mothers Against Drunk Driving spokespeople hoped would be a valuable day of learning for the students of Kayawatha Junior Highschool has turned into a public relations nightmare. MADD had recently hired local videogame company Verysoft to produce a video game that simulates the effects of drinking alcohol and driving. In an open house presentation, MADD spokesperson Terry Wilkinson introduced the game and gave a short lecture about the effects of drunk diving. Afterwards, the game consoles were opened up to the students to try out for themselves. To say that things didn’t go according to plan would be an understatement.

    “Well, the idea behind the game was to introduce kids to the dangers of drinking and driving through a medium that they will pay attention to, and enjoy,” Wilkinson explained. “Well, let’s just say that they were having a little too much fun during the part of the game where the driver was drunk.”

    “This game is the BEST!” bubbled 7th grader Jamal White. “The game was boring as hell when you were just driving around normally, but when ‘Drink and Drive Dave’ starts drinking, the special effects are wicked! You start going a lot faster and there’s all these cool light tracer effects, and the music gets waaaaay louder. Whenever you hit X, Dave pounds another shot of whiskey and things get even more awesomer! It’s also a lot easier to crash, which is sweet!”

    The game was designed to be as realistic as possible, allowing players to choose what type of alcohol Dave ingests while driving the vehicle. Beer creates groggy response times and inability to keep your eyes on the road, whiskey increases anger and speed, while tequila creates blackouts lasting up to 30 seconds.

    MADD staff noticed too late how the level of enjoyment increased during the drunk driving segment of the game. The students signalled their enjoyment with whooping, high-fiving and a general air of excitement. After the game session was completed, Mr. Wilkinson stood in front of the auditorium and gave a grave speech focusing on the realities of drunk driving that everyone seemed to ignore.

    “Drunk driving seems awesome,” said one Tiffany Lainstone. “I can’t wait until I’m sixteen!”

    Most students shared her enthusiasm. “I drove into a gas station and everything exploded. I didn’t even think of doing that, I just sort of lost control and it happened. That’s badass!” echoed Timothy Tremblay. “Videogames teach me what is and isn’t acceptable in the real world!”

  • Prospective Student Considers FSU, Reconsiders

    When Internet user Gam3r91 read the web advertisement for Full Sail University’s (FSU, not to be confused with Florida State University) Game Development Degree Program, he was at first excited. The advertisement suggested that Gam3r91 turn his passion for gaming into a career.

    “Unlike most people, I have a real passion for gaming,” Gam3r91 said. “It would be great if I could take this unique passion for gaming of mine and channel it into a career.”

    Gam3r91 was intrigued by the name of the university as well.

    “I like the idea of a ‘full sail,’ the wind at my back, fate itself propelling me toward turning my passion for gaming into a career,” he explained.

    Things took a turn for the worse, however, when he saw the figures on the advertisement: Two large, poorly-dressed, poorly-maintained dorks playing video games on a couch. Their heads were digitally modified to look like they were made of voxels.

    “Even though their heads were voxelized, I could tell what they looked like I.R.L.,” Gam3r91 said. “And I didn’t like what I saw.”

    Gam3r91 went on to explain how these two men look exactly like people he would never, ever want to associate with. “They look like terrible, terrible people to be around,” he said. He proceeded to point out their unkempt hair, caveman-like eyebrows, hunched stature, and aggressive demeanor.

    “Why would I want to go to this school when I know these neanderthals are going to be there as well?” Gam3r91 said. “I’m not even sure I have a passion for gaming anymore.”

    Full Sail University is located in Winter Park, FL. The advertisement implies that FSU teaches game development exclusively for the Bananazone Pro game console.

  • Meddling Mages Interrupt Town Hall Meetings

    Town hall referrendums over the proposed damage prevention and regeneration reforms have recently come to the forefront of Dominarian attention due to the increasingly rowdy nature of the meetings. Damage prevention and regeneration have been hotly contested issues ever since Planeswalker Obakresh the Defiler has decreed that he would now be in control of what creatures recieve damage prevention and when. “NOW IT IS I, OBAKRESH THE DEFILER WHO CONTROLS ALL MEANS OF DAMAGE PREVENTION AND REGENERATION,” boomed Obakresh in his patented million-tongue scream. “OBAKRESH CONTROL WHEN MEDICS TAP, OBAKRESH CONTROL WHAT DAMAGE THEY PREVENT.”

    “MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” he added.

    Obakresh’s plan of placating the masses by allowing them the pittance of talking amongst themselves, however, is being foiled by a very vocal group of mages. “Our plan is to chant so loudly that nobody can get a spell in edgewise,” claimed one of the meddling mages. “Unfortunately, this violent wasteland is an indictment of its people. These cowards lack the will to oppose disorder.”

    The mages have been drawing some strong grassroots support. “Listen, I regenerate myself,” said outspoken critic Drudge Skeletons. “I don’t need anybody telling me how and when I need to use my regeneration. I hear people saying ‘Oh, he’s dead anyway, what does he need regeneration for’ or ‘that mana could be used for something else’. Well you know what, that’s MY MANA. We all know where this mana is going anyway, and it has nothing to do with damage prevention, it’s going to those damn Illusions of Grandeur payments that are keeping Obakresh alive.”

    Supporters of Obakresh are quick to mention that damage prevention has frequently been misused in Dominaria. “I’ve seen a battlefield medic preventing damage to an Illusionary Servant who was about to be squashed by a Craw Wurm. Everyone knows you can’t heal fog, for heaven’s sake! The medic took one look at the darn thing and it evaporated,” said Enseloth, an Elvish farmer. “I trust Planeswalker Obakresh to make better decisions when it comes to damage prevention,” he added before being sacrificed to a Caregiver to prevent damage to a Darksteel Gargoyle.

    One of the more controversial issues surrounding the damage prevention and regeneration is the Death Watch provision, which allows Planeswalker Obakresh to terminate the life of a creature at any time and gain life equal to their toughness. “CREATURES OF DOMINARIA. OBAKRESH WILL NOT DEVOUR YOUR SOUL UNLESS YOU ARE ALREADY ABOUT TO DIE. THIS OBAKRESH PROMISE,” the Planeswalker’s mighty voice echoed throughout the realm. “MAYBE IF YOU ALMOST ABOUT TO DIE, LIKE IF FIREBALL WERE ALMOST BE HITTING YOU, MAYBE THEN OBAKRESH DEVOUR SOUL FIRST BEFORE IT GET BURNED AND UNEATABLE.”

  • GGI: The Mother****ing Flash

    Warning: This article contains language.

    Welcome to this, the first episode of GGI: Good Gamery Investigation. Today we are going to reveal who wrote “The Motherfucking Flash” (or “TMFF”), an essay/rant that has gone viral throughout the Internet, but whose true author credit was lost in mystery and shadow.

    There have been many theories proposed by Internet users throughout the world.

    • Internet user “dtomko12345” posted TMFF numerous times on bix.yahoo.com. Could he or she be the true author?
    • Internet user “Anonymous Coward” posted TMFF on Slashdot, and many have attributed the essay to him or her. Is this attribution valid?
    • Internet user “Ranger” posted TMFF and said it originally came from a “BSS Something Awful Thread.” Is this article, in fact, of SA origin?

    As many know, GoodGamery.com (“GG”) was one of the offshoot sites of the community formerly at MiseTings.com (“MT”), the original Magic humor site. One prolific MT forum member was named Taeme. He was born in Milton, Ontario, and when he consumed wheat products, he would flip out mentally due to a peculiar allergy.

    Taeme posted many rants and essays, and had a unique, in-your-face, and hilarious writing style. Observe:

    Oh, and one more I might mention.

    It’s the original posting of “The Motherfucking Flash,” posted on MiseTings.com on January 2, 2005 — right here. He later posted a copy on SA.

    Case closed; Internet fixed.

  • Go Stag™ with Great Sable Stag

    Are you disappointed with your life? Wondering where things went wrong? Never getting what you want while everybody else you know has great jobs, perfect hair, nice houses, and beautiful families that love them? That’s what I was like before I got off my butt, decided to make something of myself, and recognized the power — and the elegant, natural majesty — of Great Sable Stag.

    Now, I know what you’re asking. “Gregory,” you’re asking, “sure, Great Sable Stag has gracefully arched horns and firm, brown muscular flanks, and sure, it has a snow white belly as soft as the morning sunshine, but I have real problems. I have a mortgage. I have kids. I’m dyslexic. What can Great Sable Stag do for me?”

    Let me tell you: Plenty. Going Stag™ can make the difference between being just another nobody who owes Blockbuster $15 and having the lifestyle you’ve always known you deserved, but never knew how to get, let alone sustain over any length of time without going into crippling debt.

    (pictures of champagne, yachts, beautiful women, etc.)

    First of all, and I love this, Great Sable Stag is a magical deer from the deep, primeval forests of fantasy. That’s something we can all use. Am I right?

    ‘Yeah!!’

    Second, it’s resonant.

    Third, it wrecks faeries. Totally and completely. Faeries isn’t in the room. Faeries just took up badminton and moved thousands of miles away to pursue it professionally. Faeries might as well have never been born. It’s one card that can beat an entire deck — and not just any deck, the best, most powerful, most unfair and unfun deck ever made, played by the worst human beings who ever existed!

    ‘Boooo!!!!’

    That is literally months of worry that you won’t have to endure between now and the next rotation.

    Tell me the truth, half of you would still run that if it cost twice as much!

    (audience laughs, applauds)

    But the really impressive thing is the way Great Sable Stag makes you FEEL. Am I right!?

    (audience cheers!)

    We’re not just talking confidence, we’re talking Great Sable Confidence. The confidence to run out there on turn three and start beating down with your soft nose and magically long tail. The confidence to start a small business, learn a new language, or finally take things to the next level with that cute babysitter with the lip piercing. Am I right, fellas?

    (audience laughs)

    But that’s only the beginning. Just listen to these testimonials:

    “I haven’t been able to make love to my wife, despite years of therapy and drugs. But when I saw Great Sable Stag in my opening seven, I get excited. REALLY excited. Now I just make sure to draw it every twenty minutes or so, and it’s like I’m a teenager again!”
    — Richard Franks, age 42
    “When I know a man is packing a Great Sable Stag, it gets me all hot and bothered. His body just takes control. There’s no way I can counter it.”
    — Mandy (name withheld), Age 22
    “I like to hug Great Stable Stag when my dad comes home from drinking. It makes me think I also have protection from black and blue.”
    — Tyler Hudson, age 9
    “Double block with Mutavaults.”
    — XXXxxxxx



    At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Gregory has a good point, but how much does he expect me to pay for all this?”

    Would you believe me if I said 3WUBRG?

    2WUBRG?

    BBRG?

    BRRR?

    BRGBRRWUUBRG?

    Well, today, right now, you can start your journey to victory and self-love for the low low price of 1GG.

    That’s right; for less than the cost of a Brooding Saurian, you can beat the best deck in the format, impress your friends, admire the shapely shoulders and thick, luxuriant fur of an untamed, wild, pure-spirited wild animal of the Wyld — AND find the self-esteem and courage to pursue your dreams, leaving your life of mediocrity in the graveyard.

    BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

    Act now, and you get the full set of Great Sable Accessories:

    You get the Oakenform


    The Lifelink


    The Firebreathing


    The Other Oakenform


    AND the Jump

    For just three easy payments of 4GG, WR, and U.

    That’s a six-for-one! It doesn’t get sweeter than that!

    But you’ll know how sweet it is — the first time you hold up the ineffable and incorruptible Great Sable Stag. I know I did, and my life has never been the same.

    Go Stag™ with Great Sable Stag and never be effed or corrupted again.

    (Results may vary. Not available against Kithkin.)