We at Good Gamery have received an exclusive sneak peek at what Magic fans can cross their fingers and hope to open once Dominaria releases in 2018. We’re excited to see how this new set will go back to Magic’s roots. Click below to reveal all fifteen Masterpieces from the set. Enjoy!
Author: slearch
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The New Shift in R&D’s Thinking
Renton, WA – It’s been one week since domineering parent of nerd happiness Hasbro acquired the Seattle-based Lattice Pharmaceutical. Lattice declared bankruptcy last year, a decision brought on by the massive crash in it’s stock value after allegations that it’s CFO, Michael Wassan, was a collective hallucination shared by his co-workers. In a recent memo Hasbro stated the reason for the acquisition as, “Lattice Pharmaceutical manufactured all our glue. We have a great need for the glue. Now the glue may flow more freely for our use. Now it may flow directly into us.”
And with Lattice comes its controversial practice of administering psychological supplements to all of it’s staff members. This practice, which began in the 1970s when no one cared, has already had noticeable impact inside the Research and Development Department of Magic, a game for adults who enjoy the sensation of smelling cardboard. Mark Rosewater, the leader designer of Magic spoke to me while rapidly spinning in a computer chair:
“I’m so excited, SO EXCITED, to unveil the newest idea we’ve done before: the return of you make the card! This time we are giving you not just a play-experience, no, we’re giving you a play-state-of-mind. You! It’s all you! You are free! I Disenchant your Shackles I cast Updraft and you are free and I will draw the card in my next life!” He then presented me with this before vomiting violently into a nearby Avengers-themed garbage pail:
“Think about it! No more leaks, you are your own spoiler season! Ten in a pack because of as-fan! As-fan!”
Under this new school of thought, R&D member Ken Nagle, normally confined to the closet with the paper shredder, has been allowed to roam the building and grounds. I caught up with him on the roof where he stared blankly into the sun, a seagull nesting comfortably in his mouth: “What if no-color was a color? What if that void in us, the thing we were always missing, was the absence of the absence of something? What is it like to play in this world? How might we escape it? Spike is too powerful for his own good. Johnny is too clever. Only Timmy, so large, so trample, Timmy might free himself through his hunger more more. He might pay the mana to escape the void, and like me, his food will come to him.” Then he sucked the seagull down his throat, comically burping a single white feather, and raised him arms in elation.
Perhaps no one has felt the effects of the merger more sharply than former head of R&D Hakim (formerly Aaron Forsythe). I found Hakim, hair grown long, meditating in a nearby park: “I left because I was sick. I was making possessions that owned people. But that’s not how it should be, man. Belief matters more than truth. Every moment, belief in imaginary things alters lives while truth sits unnoticed and waits. But I believe in the truth. And now my possessions nourish me.” With that he produced a Black Lotus, dipped it in a half-eaten container of cream cheese from a nearby garbage can, and jammed it into his mouth with a grotesque smacking sound. He declined to comment further only saying, “Steve Jobs is my Richard Garfield”, before drifting off into the air and waving goodbye to a distant Ken Nagle, still perched on the roof, sniffing the air.
Beyond R&D other divisions of Magic have realigned their thinking. Promotions as begun work on a Nerf Batterskull, Organized Play has declared that the format for GP Tonopah will be Mental Magic, and Magic Online has been replaced with a copy of the 1991 classic Myst. When asked if it saw these changes as a positive development Hasbro only commented, “If Magic fails we still have Kaijudo. The cards all smell the same.”
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Ocean’s Eleven-drop
Reuben Bresler glared at AJ Sacher from across the Magic: the Newsening desk. “I told you, AJ, I’m out. I’ve gone straight. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.”
“But this is it Reuben, the big one. If we can pull this off, Guillaume will pay us a cool million. But I need your help, you’re the best safecracker in the business.”
Reuben thought about what he could do with that money. He could finally retire, open that little card shop on the beach he’d always been dreaming about, in a country with no extradition. “Ok, what’s the job?”
“The Shadows over Innistrad godbook. It’ll be the biggest score since Mike ‘Rootwater Thief’ Long stole the invitational.”
“That’s impossible. It’s 3 months before the set’s release date! The printers won’t even have it, we’d have to go to the source. And even if we did get into wizards headquarters, Mark Rosewater’s vault is the most secure vault in the world. The entire vault is made of darksteel, I’d need all my tools to crack it, and I’d never get those past security. Security guards on duty 24/7, a security system that runs software designed by THE Worth Wollpert, mandatory background checks for everyone who comes in.”
“Jarvis can hack the security system, he went to Dartmouth. And for the rest, if we pull this off, they’ll let us walk through the front door” AJ said with a grin.
It was a cold January morning when Reuben and AJ pulled up to wizards headquarters. Before they could even make it through the mox encrusted doorway, a security guard was already stopping them.
“What are you doing here?” he grunted at the two.
Reuben tilted his sunglasses down, handed the guard his credentials and said, “We’re here to stream the Sunday Super Series.”
“Sunday Super Series. What the **** is that? I’m going to have to search your bags.”
“We’re already running late, you wouldn’t want to keep Aaron Forsythe waiting, would you? We all remember what happened to Randy when he made Aaron mad.”
The color left the security guards face. “I’m sure it will be ok. Go on through, sirs.” the security guard stammered.
Reuben and AJ walked through the halls of wizards to Mark Rosewater’s vault. “I hate security guards almost as much as a werewolf hates a collar. Especially Avacyn’s Collar, the symbol of her church.” AJ quipped as they approached the vault.
“I still can’t believe they bought it,” Reuben said, “why would anyone decide to fly at the last minute to Renton to stream a tournament no one has heard of, especially without checking with Wizards first? But those idiots emailed us credentials as soon as we got off the plane. They didn’t even have time to do a background check.”
They unzipped their duffel bag labeled “streaming equipment” and pulled out the finest safe cracking gear; Voltaic keys, drills made by Dwarven Drillers, and some Engineered Explosives.
AJ kept watch, while Reuben go to work on the door. A few minutes later, there was a loud bang, and then Reuben yelled “I’ve got it.”
But, before Reuben and AJ could celebrate their victory, alarms started blaring, and they heard an ominous voice say “I don’t think a 3 year ban is going to be enough this time.”
Trick Jarrett stood at the end of the hallway, holding a 9mm pistol. Before AJ and Reuben could think, he’d already fired two shots.
Mark Rosewater and Aaron Forsythe watched the ambulance drive away.
“This was nasty business, but it had to be done. I remember, one time, when I was working on an episode of Roseanne…” Suddenly Mark Rosewater’s story was interrupted by a loud banging noise. Aaron opened his closet, and saw Trick tied to a chair. “But if you’re here, then who was…”
Meanwhile, Reuben and AJ unzipped their body bags and sat up in the ambulance.
“I can’t believe we pulled this off.” Reuben said to Trick, who was driving the ambulance.
Trick turned, and pulled off his mask “Of course we pulled it off, I’m the greatest thief in the multiverse.”
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The New Flavor of Magic
What up dawgs? Just MaRo Monday poppin’ in to let you know we here at Wizards pay close attention to what our customers want. Magic is a game of the people! And according to our research wizkids, junk food and MtG are inseparable! While me and Hasbro were pondering this connection at a Bohemian Grove soiree, the beings that puppet Frito Lay approached us with quite a chill idea. So for this Fall of 2015 I’m pleased to announce that the cards you love are teaming up with the taste you crave to bring you:
Mark Rosewater
Atacolypse is a stand alone product for both the Magic: the Gathering and Frito Lay brands; we’ve combined, or flavortwisted, the short-burst excitement and rich taste of Magic cards with the diversity and collectibility of Frito Lay’s Doritos Corn Chips. Curious to see what I mean? Well munch right in boi!
Dang that’s tang. Lime Spiral perfectly captures the experience of eating Chile Limón® Doritos while playing midrange. Notice the new ability snackrifice. When you snackrifice a permanent, you get the drop on your opponent’s dad’s spending money by forcing that ‘dult to purchase a delicious Frito Lay product of your choice. “Pump the breaks!,” you may say. “What use is even more Doritos mouth sensation to me?”
Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Let me tell y’all about livin’ la Vida Loca; MaRo knows about livin’ la Vida Loca. And now players like you can too! Think of la Vida Loca as like multikicker for your taste buds; the more you enjoy, the better the spell. But enjoy responsibly (the squares at the FDA made me put that jazz in. Pbbbftft, whatever). Hey, yo, how do you know which flavor of Doritos best fits your spending habits/lifestyle? Wisdom in 3…2…1…
Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? You’re probably thinking, “Those dudes at Wizzers must have lost their darn minds!” But that’s not true pleeb: we opened our minds. Speaking of opening things, open and then eat lots of Doritos to make this spell more powerful. But huh? Duh? Whu? Snackback? Yeah son, flashback to the snack Samurai Jack! This is called conserving design space. Burn that creep, stop to eat, and repeat! Just call me Snackcaster Mage! Just call me Think Spice! Just call me Rescoop. But you shouldn’t double dip, that’s not cool- you know what, MYTHICS!
Stop the presses! What’s this buzz about a contest? For a limited (lol) time we’re teaming up our team up to give one lucky person FREE MAGIC CARDS FOR LIFE!!!* If that isn’t enough to whet your appetite than maybe you should go eat some flippin’ Pringles you Yu-Gi-Oh tweenage scrub for brains. Alright, that’s all I got for this week. Look forward to seeing you brosefs on the convention floor/tipsy at a gas station at midnight on a Wednesday. Peace and may the taste be with you!*Free Magic cards is limited to less than a penny draft fodder and all non-Hymn to Tourach cards opened from slightly damaged Fallen Empires packs found under Ken Nagle’s bone pile in the supply closet of R&D. Offer available for a limited time, results may vary. Snack responsibly.
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Motherland: A Retrospective on Magic’s Lost Set
When Magic was first released in 1993 it was met with critical acclaim. The idea of taking these myths and fantasy tropes and reducing them to a collectible item, and a populist one at that, spoke to the spirit of the times. They were addicting, ironic, and above all consumable; perfect for the anger and energy of a post-Cold War, globalized world. With the success of the first set, Alpha, and the later Warholian reproductions Beta and Unlimited, the public wondered what milieu Garfield would tackle next. Arabian Nights dealt with ideas of appropriation in a U.S. becoming more embroiled in Middle Eastern conflicts (with cards like the masterpiece Juzám Djinn which pokes subtle fun at the Iran-Contra Scandal) while The Dark confronted environmental issues in a neo-gothic aesthetic (Ashes to Ashes, Brainwash, Marsh Gas).
While Magic has always been very socially conscious with its parallels, such as New Phyrexia as a parable of gentrification or Onslaught Block as a mirror of how we perpetuate genocide, I think it has become too brazen, even over-the-top, in its political statements. Gone is the subtlety of cards like Goblin Balloon Brigade. Instead we are left with shlock like Return to the Ranks. We get it. 9/11 happened. I’d like to take a moment to hearken back to a time when Magic was designed, not just manufactured, and focus on a set, half-finished yet full of promise. Magic: Motherland.
While many of you know that Richard (I can call him that) holds a PhD in Mathematics, few know that his undergrad was in Russian literature. You can see traces of the writings of Dostoyevsky and Gogol in his work, but it was in Motherland that he let himself indulge. Much as Arabian Nights was based on the titular collection, Motherland draws from the strongest and most enduring texts from the other side of the Curtain. And each card is a masterpiece. Take for example this card:
A chaotic mess from art to text box, Bureaucracy is wholly itself. Whose upkeep? Doesn’t untap ever? The life and/or(!) mana requirement further obfuscate this card, though it’s clear that it slows the game down. Also notice the counters, which become a recurring theme in the set.
Or take the following:
Taken from Chekhov’s play of the same name, Sea Gull is what the character Nina is. Empty. Pointless. Uninteresting. Limited fodder. The kind of thing that could be reprinted in 9th Edition and then forgotten about. Sea Gull is Quag Sickness is Ke$ha is Coke Zero. Art as forgettable as the card itself. A piece of cardboard to throw away. This is by no means the only card inspired by Chekhov’s work:
The story implicit in this card is palpable. Vanya is pained but powerless to do anything about that pain. And his aggressive costing as a 2/2 for 1G encourages combat. A being who only lives by the violence he inflicts, but is too cowardly to inflict it on himself. There is this card in each of us. Complimented by its wonderful art, grotesque and confronting so that we don’t have to confront ourselves.
Of course Gogol and his work make an appearance. Akaky Akakievich Bashmachkin is a poem. Much like Uncle Vanya, so much is carried in so little text. The detail of not specifying “counter” in the second line causes us to think of the overcoats that we attempt to put on ourselves day in and day out. A marked improvement over its predecessor Pearled Unicorn, except for the art which Richard’s father stood for. Richard’s work was by no means limited to the Russians; Czech and Polish literature provided a fertile ground for ideas to take root:
I see a lot of parallels between the work of Richard and Franz Kafka; the shuffling, the obsession with paper and numbers, the competitiveness over small shifts in prestige. Wizards of the Coast itself has become that shadowy bureaucratic authority that Richard and Kafka set out to critique. And Gregor Samsa is a scathing critique. Life as a process of toil until death. The specification of it being Gregor Samsa, the totally arbitrary change counters, all of this speaks to the minimum wage jobs Richard was working as a starving artist at the time of Magic’s conception. And finally, my favorite card of the bunch:
This card is a home run, oozing with flavor and artistic flair. The mounting action of its murders, the weight of the counters making the card heavier and less easy to manipulate, the mere cost of a mana to kill again. Some believe the green background was a printing error but Richard was sending us a message about the savagery that lives inside of each of us.
With the slog of beat-you-over-the-head sets being released today, Battle for Zendikar being only the newest and worst in an egregious line, its important to look back at our roots. Magic was a game about self-expression made by a starving artist on a basement Xerox machine. However, I do think that Magic is coming out of a dry spell: Magic 2010 tried to recapture the essence of what made Alpha such a powerful statement, Modern Masters is a wonderful stab at nostalgia and how it alters our patterns of consumption, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited to see David Lynch’s direction in the upcoming Magic movie. As usual, the Technocrats of the Coast have not invited me to attend the Richard Garfield Memorial Hotdog Eating Contest this Sunday in Renton, but he will be in my heart.
Peace.
Evan Erwin in a Beret is a Good Gamery correspondent.
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HardCORE! THEROS Strategy Primer for Prereleasing LIKE MEN!
This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.
Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the prerelease has not yet occurred. Our apologies to Jethro, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.
HI! I’m new to strategy writing, I’m an old fashioned pro-player; I like my cards unstamped and my drafts rotisserie. I’ve been playing since the 80’s back when Magic was HARDCORE: Don’t like It: SUCK IT! And by it I mean Magic. Wanna Be a great player, Wanna make the Pro-Tour? You can’t! Not with that attitude. My Magic training is the best there is and it’s not cheap and it is nasty and I don’t take wannabee’s! SO BUCKLE UP.
My Name’s Jethro, and if you want to not SUCK IT(And By IT I STILL MEAN MAGIC!) this is what you should be reading: Ready?
STEP 1: DRAFT LIKE A MAN!
Quick what’s the first pick from this pack!
Quicker than that you’ve only got 38 seconds left to make this decision. Why 37? ’cause you spent the fist minute reading the introduction to this article. C’mon now 20 seconds!
.
.
.WRONG!
You made the wrong decision and Now you’re going to lose. Your dreams will be crushed by some NOOB in the first round who taps his lands in different directions and isn’t EVEN using sleeves. Is that the Kinda Magic player you WANT to be: IS IT? Because Noone and I mean Noone has ever had fun LOSING MAGIC! Oh they might say they had fun, they might offer their hand and say it was a ‘good game’: know what I do to losers who say good game, I punch them in the Mouth That’s what! And If I get disqualified by some Bastard Judge who’s got pimples and massive glasses: GOOD! Because I’ve opened such a terrible pack remaining in this tournament is a waste of time. That’s your first lesson Write it down, while I drink whisky and invent STEP 2!
Lesson 1: If you open a pack THIS BAD the best thing to do is quit and join another Queue.
STEP 2: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FISH AND MOVES LIKE A FISH: HIT IT WITH A HAMMER.
Quick! Look at this card from Theros and evaluate it for limited play:
Quicker than that! Is that how slow you’re going to evaluate cards in your pre-release sealed?!?!’Cause you’ve got over 100 cards to evaluate and if you go that slowly you won’t have time to submit a deck and will be disqualified from the Pro tour: TRUE STORY! [1]
Anyway, back to the card at hand. The correct answer (Once you finally got there, well done genius Clap Clap) is that no card in limited can be evaluated in a vacuum, every card has other cards it DEPENDS on, for instance this Card depends on 3 lands to cast it: Rubbish! 1 card depending on 3 cards; lands are for NOOBS throw it on the scrapheap.
THAT’S your second lesson: Why aren’t you already writing it down whilst I drink Whisky and Think about TITS!
Lesson 2: Lands are for Noobs: Real men just play there cards and hope noone notices That’s how things were back in my day. [2]
STEP 3: INTERLUDE!
IF I could rant for a second: ELSPETH IS WEARING TO MANY CLOTHES IN THIS ART!
You call that body armor?!? This is Body Armor:
Oh YEAH!
STEP 4: THE VISUAL SPOILER!
Some (idiots mostly) say that you should always religiously study the visual spoiler before taking part in a Pre-release in order to play around Tricks and removal your opponent might have. This is Nonsense. After all, knowing every trick isn’t important, you just need to know the ones ACTUALLY in your opponents hand.
Doing this can be tricky, and my methods vary; the secret is to never use the same TRICK twice; or three times if you’re drunk enough; always try to isolate your opponent from their hand, ask THEM to go get a judge to answer your question, the second they look away: start riffling through their cards. Hell if there’s enough time you can even start going through their deck to see what goodies lie there; and if you’re caught just claim it’s your own deck and put it on top of yours, then get them disqualified for Rules Infraction: ‘Not having a deck!’ (This REALLY works) [3]
That’s your fifth lesson: write it down while I drink WHISKY and meditate on the complexities of the human condition, and how love, kindness and respect are the keys to a satisfied existence!
Lesson 5: Always know your enemies (hand) intimately!
SUMMING UP!
Don’t read articles telling you how to be a great magic player; written by so called “’Pro’s’”. There’s only one trick to becoming a GREAT player and it rhymes with Whisky!
Enjoy losing to me at the pre-release Fuckers,
Jethro
[1] [Ed: Jethro was disqualified from the Pro-Tour in 1996 for what the judge called “The most blatant, obvious and obnoxious cheating I have ever seen a player commit.” when whilst ‘shuffleing’ his opponents library, he went through it for all the non-lands and pocketed them.]
[2] [Ed: It is believed Jethro is here referring to his second appearance on the Pro-Tour where he piloted affinity; he is famous for receiving more warnings and committing more infractions at this pro-tour than any player in history; including a warning for unsportsmanlike conduct when he set his opponents deck on fire. The head judge confesses that this should have been a disqualification but he was fascinated to “See what Jethro would do next.”]
[3] [Ed: Jethro is talking about an incident at his third and final appearance at a Pro-Tour or indeed any competitive Magic event. He was placed 403rd despite there being only 351 players because, as one judge put it, “Get him out of here, get him out now.” When asked about the incident afterwards, he described himself as “The people’s Champion” for having shown up without qualification and playing under an assumed DCI number.]
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Sorcery with Mind in the Title
Try it out on MagicCards.info today!
