Ocean’s Eleven-drop

Posted on Tuesday, January 26th, 2016 by asdf
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Posted in mtg

Reuben Bresler glared at AJ Sacher from across the Magic: the Newsening desk. “I told you, AJ, I’m out. I’ve gone straight. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.”

“But this is it Reuben, the big one. If we can pull this off, Guillaume will pay us a cool million. But I need your help, you’re the best safecracker in the business.”

Reuben thought about what he could do with that money. He could finally retire, open that little card shop on the beach he’d always been dreaming about, in a country with no extradition. “Ok, what’s the job?”

“The Shadows over Innistrad godbook. It’ll be the biggest score since Mike ‘Rootwater Thief’ Long stole the invitational.”

“That’s impossible. It’s 3 months before the set’s release date! The printers won’t even have it, we’d have to go to the source. And even if we did get into wizards headquarters, Mark Rosewater’s vault is the most secure vault in the world. The entire vault is made of darksteel, I’d need all my tools to crack it, and I’d never get those past security. Security guards on duty 24/7, a security system that runs software designed by THE Worth Wollpert, mandatory background checks for everyone who comes in.”

“Jarvis can hack the security system, he went to Dartmouth. And for the rest, if we pull this off, they’ll let us walk through the front door” AJ said with a grin.

It was a cold January morning when Reuben and AJ pulled up to wizards headquarters. Before they could even make it through the mox encrusted doorway, a security guard was already stopping them.

“What are you doing here?” he grunted at the two.

Reuben tilted his sunglasses down, handed the guard his credentials and said, “We’re here to stream the Sunday Super Series.”

“Sunday Super Series. What the **** is that? I’m going to have to search your bags.”

“We’re already running late, you wouldn’t want to keep Aaron Forsythe waiting, would you? We all remember what happened to Randy when he made Aaron mad.”

The color left the security guards face. “I’m sure it will be ok. Go on through, sirs.” the security guard stammered.

Reuben and AJ walked through the halls of wizards to Mark Rosewater’s vault. “I hate security guards almost as much as a werewolf hates a collar. Especially Avacyn’s Collar, the symbol of her church.” AJ quipped as they approached the vault.

“I still can’t believe they bought it,” Reuben said, “why would anyone decide to fly at the last minute to Renton to stream a tournament no one has heard of, especially without checking with Wizards first? But those idiots emailed us credentials as soon as we got off the plane. They didn’t even have time to do a background check.”

They unzipped their duffel bag labeled “streaming equipment” and pulled out the finest safe cracking gear; Voltaic keys, drills made by Dwarven Drillers, and some Engineered Explosives.

AJ kept watch, while Reuben go to work on the door. A few minutes later, there was a loud bang, and then Reuben yelled “I’ve got it.”


But, before Reuben and AJ could celebrate their victory, alarms started blaring, and they heard an ominous voice say “I don’t think a 3 year ban is going to be enough this time.”

Trick Jarrett stood at the end of the hallway, holding a 9mm pistol. Before AJ and Reuben could think, he’d already fired two shots.

Mark Rosewater and Aaron Forsythe watched the ambulance drive away.

“This was nasty business, but it had to be done. I remember, one time, when I was working on an episode of Roseanne…” Suddenly Mark Rosewater’s story was interrupted by a loud banging noise. Aaron opened his closet, and saw Trick tied to a chair. “But if you’re here, then who was…”

Meanwhile, Reuben and AJ unzipped their body bags and sat up in the ambulance.

“I can’t believe we pulled this off.” Reuben said to Trick, who was driving the ambulance.

Trick turned, and pulled off his mask “Of course we pulled it off, I’m the greatest thief in the multiverse.”