Tag: slugworm

Jokulmorder, widely considered the biggest creature in the game today, tested positive for power-enhancing equipment, according to a report by MTGSalvation.com. Jokulmorder was discovered to have been using Leonin Scimitar, O-Naginata, and at one time Golem Skin Gauntlets, according to alleged equipment dealer Steelshaper Apprentice, who is currently standing trial. Jokulmorder, standing at 12/12 and poised to break Krosan Cloudscraper’s record of 13/13 in a matter of years, declined to comment. Family and friends of lands sacrificed to Jokulmorder were visibly upset following the revelation.

Jokulmorder was seen as a hero by many longtime Magic: The Gathering fans. After Cloudscraper tested positive for a Vulshok Morningstar in 2003, fans turned to Jokulmorder as the savior of a game in shambles as a result of the ensuing equipment scandal. With Jokulmorder seen as the greatest “pure” creature left in the game, fans eagerly awaited the day he would grow bigger than Cloudscraper.

Now, that day may never come, if Jokulmorder meets the same fate as Cloudscraper. Numerous players refused to pay Cloudscraper’s upkeep cost; others cut him from their 93-card Green decks. In past years, Cloudscraper has chosen to stay out of the public eye, preferring to stay morphed.

This stunning leak leaves fans to root for Autochthon Wurm, the next in line to finally unseat Phyrexian Dreadnought as the undisputed “largest creature ever.”

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In what Wizards has deemed “nothing short of the best for the future of Magic,” a plethora of tournaments have been cut. Popular events such as Regionals, Nationals, Grand Prix, and Pro Tours have been discontinued. This announcement continues the trend set by Wizards last year when they ended the long-running Invitational, Junior Super Series, and States/Regionals/Provinces/Islands/Archipelagos/Space Stations tournaments.

Says Mark Rosewater, a highly acclaimed Magic flavor author who does some other stuff too, “We cut back on these tournaments because we f*cked up some miniatures game and lost a shitload of money.” When asked why Wizards continues to press forward on a complete and utter debacle, he told reporters that, while it may have seemed impossible ten years ago, the possibility of Shock appearing in a non-red color is very real in the modern age of Magic flavor.

This would, at first sight, leave Magic players with only Friday Night Magic and City Championships, but Wizards says Magic players have nothing to fear. They are introducing what Randy Buehler deems a “super ultimate tournament” called Super Ultimate Tournament. The tournament will be the Two-Headed Giant format, and to qualify, one must win “lots of FNMs and stuff.” Buehler says, “I chose Two-Headed Giant because I knew the format was in extremely high demand amongst the Magic community.”

But this is not all, says Scott Johns. “We have exciting news: we will now be releasing twelve sets a year, instead of four. This will give us the opportunity to make more money to satisfy the Magic community. In the end, the true winners are the Magic players.”

The announcement ending these popular tournaments was considered by Wizards to be important information, but clearly not important enough to warrant it a place outside of one paragraph in Brian David-Marshall’s column, The Week that Was.

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