Roy Spires Wins Grand Prix: Vancouver!

Posted on Wednesday, January 9th, 2008 Coverage by Pale Mage
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Posted in best of, mtg

After two days of Tarmogoyfs, legendary Treefolk, and Counter-Top locks, we have a winner. Well-known internet Magic expert Roy “Random-Miser” Spires defeated Tomoharu Saito in the most lopsided match in Grand Prix history. Spires’ tech was so powerful we have omitted his decklist from the coverage out of respect for his innovation.

“I just threw it together this morning……I wasn’t even planning on playing this event…..I was in the neighborhood and figured why not……” Then he made a face like this:


“When word gets out…….everyone will know [OMITTED] is good.” Then he squinted his eyes shut tight.


(Sorry for the ellipses, but when Roy speaks there is often a prolonged pause that is represented best by five or six dots in a row).

Prior to this weekend Spires was best known as designer of Invincible Counter Troll, a Vintage deck containing some of the most broken cards ever printed and Sedge Troll. Earlier last year Sedge Troll was timeshifted into the Planar Chaos set as Hedge Troll in tribute to Spires. Roy has long been recognized as the smartest Magic player to have never accomplished anything significant in an event of any merit.

“What can I say….my opponents get lucky…..”

Dr. David Pask from the School of Mathematical and Physical Sciences at the University of Newcastle calculates the odds of Roy avoiding the pitfall of lucky opponents as a number too long for this article to one. In other words, nearly impossible.

“Mister Spires has been the victim of luck so often it has become part of the fabric of reality. In fact, anyone sitting across from Spires in a tournament setting will automatically be exempt from mana screw and will often get his ‘God hand’ two games running. This places him on the opposite end of the scale from say, Kai Budde or Jon Finkel, two of the luckiest mages in Magic history. That is, until now.”

Dr. Pask did not comment as to if internet coverage magnifies this lucky opponent phenomenon. It would seem so based on past events. From the Starcity Games Vintage tournament in July 2003 to Grand Prix: Dallas 2007, Roy’s opponents have been lucky enough to prevent the public at large who might not be familiar with his extensive library of apprentice logs detailing his victories or his domination of the Dallas FNM circuit from recognizing his genius.

In addition to his trophy, Spires leaves Vancouver with the top prize of $3000 and the $1500 check for best finish by a player with no pro points. How’s that for luck! Roy is taking it all in stride.

“For an event like this, I’m practically losing money…..I usually make tens of thousands trading cards at tournaments….I didn’t even have any cash for my entry fee yesterday…..good thing I had my American Express Black on me…..” Then he made a face too complex for an emoticon to represent.

Upon hearing the news of the victory Stephen Hawking electronically uttered, “I have been wrong about everything”. Then he died.

Congratulations to Roy “Random-Miser” Spires, Grand Prix: Vancouver Champion 2008!