DUBLIN, IRELAND (Reuters) – If you play Magic in the UK, you could be in trouble.
Last Friday, hundreds of picketers from Scotland, Ireland, Wales, and even as far away as the Breton coast took to the streets outside Hasbro UK and game stores to demonstrate against what they perceive as mass market bigotry.

“This is an insulting and inaccurate portrayal of people of Irish descent as squat, pugnacious men and women with beady eyes and dish faces,” said Conall Murphy, a grad student in Irish studies at Trinity College and leader of the movement, from behind a placard bearing a blown-up version of Brigid’s boobs. “‘Fight one, fight them all’ is a barely-veiled rehash of an old slur against Irish immigrants everywhere.” Pulling a bent and laundered copy of Militia’s Pride from his back pocket, he waved it under my nose truculently amid a cloud of stale alcoholic sweat. “I would have thought they knew better than this, after pulling off Arabian Nights and even Kamigawa Block without visibly abusing those ethnic groups.”

Other protesters focused on different aspects of the set which they found particularly insulting. A similar demonstration in front of a card shop in Cardiff became violent when players trapped inside the store were attacked by angry picketers as they tried to leave. The reason? “Elves are gay,” said Rhys Owens-Corning, under his own placard showing Immaculate Magistrate in all of its …florid gaiety.

“Elves are all named after Welsh guys from legend, but in reality they are more representative of the homo culture. They are fixated on youth and beauty, starve themselves to look a certain way, and maim each other out of spite. Like queers, they revel in the drug culture they have built their society around. Moonglove is just another word for cocaine. It’s a slap in the face,” lisped Rhys, who just happens to be tall, thin, and wear a lot of green clothes.

Craig Jones and Lyle Lovett, who were severely beaten after being trapped inside the comic store in Cardiff for 2 days, declined to comment from their hospital beds. However, Madog Teeg, who was watching them play, said “Jones tapped his [Imperious] Perfect and made a swishing sound, and Lovett said, ‘So which ones are now fabulous?’ and Jones started laughing, and then this guy came in and told us to stay put because other we would get curbstomped.” Teeg was allowed out of the store unharmed, because he had a copy of Y Gwawd (The Troubadour) Welsh-language arts weekly unfolded over his face to hide his earrings, and flashed a copy of Engineered Plague as he ducked past. “I just muttered, ‘I don’t play Elves…I don’t play Elves’ as I went through the picket lines, and they left me alone. I don’t really get it.”

Mass bloodshed was averted when police were able to reroute the Glamorgan Gay Pride March away from the comic store just in time. “Not that we were afraid they would be hurt…Cardiff has more than its share of ‘bears’ in the gay community, large hairy men on choppers with bullwhips and handcuffs. Not a pretty prospect,” said police spokeswoman Tina Gaffney (yes, you saw that coming.)

Scotland was also troubled by minor violence over the weekend as the Glasgow Curling Team protested WOTC for misportraying Giants as filthy, unkempt, and socially aversive. “Rarrgh wrarrrrgh rawr,” said team leader Jecht Murray. “Grrrrrrrrgh.”

A planned march on the Isle of Man to protest inherent racism in Merrow Reejerey was cancelled due to low attendance.