Dog Eats Magic: The Gathering Deck, Dies

Posted on Thursday, August 28th, 2008 by alfred
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In a stunning development yesterday, Antoine Ruel’s dog “Mountain” ate almost an entire 75 card Quick N’Toast deck and promptly died. The coroner determined that the dog had swallowed the deck, and died as a result of the deck not being food. “It’s something that we see all of the time. A dog, or a person for that matter, eats a large amount of non-food and dies because you’re not supposed to eat things that aren’t food,” he said before rolling up his window and doing a sweet-ass burnout.

Ruel was naturally quite upset. “I guess that’s what happens when you don’t feed your dog for a week,” he mused. “It’s going to eat your magic cards.”

Among the casualties were three Chameleon Colossi, four Kitchen Finks and two Cloudthreshers, all foil. Only one card, a single Shriekmaw, managed to avoid being devoured, but when asked to comment, it simply sat on the table motionless, because it is a card.

This isn’t the first time that an animal under Ruel’s care has died. In 2006, Ruel’s parrot Giant Turtle was euthanized by vets because it had learned and continually repeated the words “Lightning Helix.” His cat Kird Ape was recently humanely slain because it peed on his collection of Tarmogoyfs.

“These animals think they’re so smart, but they’re not as smart as me,” Ruel said with a chuckle as he wistfully stared at the newly minted portait of himself.

“See if that dog with the armor faceplate, or that bird on my arm ever crossed me, they would find out pretty quickly that I have the vet on speed dial.”

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