Tag: alfred

  • MADD Educational Drunk Driving Videogame Backfires

    What Mothers Against Drunk Driving spokespeople hoped would be a valuable day of learning for the students of Kayawatha Junior Highschool has turned into a public relations nightmare. MADD had recently hired local videogame company Verysoft to produce a video game that simulates the effects of drinking alcohol and driving. In an open house presentation, MADD spokesperson Terry Wilkinson introduced the game and gave a short lecture about the effects of drunk diving. Afterwards, the game consoles were opened up to the students to try out for themselves. To say that things didn’t go according to plan would be an understatement.

    “Well, the idea behind the game was to introduce kids to the dangers of drinking and driving through a medium that they will pay attention to, and enjoy,” Wilkinson explained. “Well, let’s just say that they were having a little too much fun during the part of the game where the driver was drunk.”

    “This game is the BEST!” bubbled 7th grader Jamal White. “The game was boring as hell when you were just driving around normally, but when ‘Drink and Drive Dave’ starts drinking, the special effects are wicked! You start going a lot faster and there’s all these cool light tracer effects, and the music gets waaaaay louder. Whenever you hit X, Dave pounds another shot of whiskey and things get even more awesomer! It’s also a lot easier to crash, which is sweet!”

    The game was designed to be as realistic as possible, allowing players to choose what type of alcohol Dave ingests while driving the vehicle. Beer creates groggy response times and inability to keep your eyes on the road, whiskey increases anger and speed, while tequila creates blackouts lasting up to 30 seconds.

    MADD staff noticed too late how the level of enjoyment increased during the drunk driving segment of the game. The students signalled their enjoyment with whooping, high-fiving and a general air of excitement. After the game session was completed, Mr. Wilkinson stood in front of the auditorium and gave a grave speech focusing on the realities of drunk driving that everyone seemed to ignore.

    “Drunk driving seems awesome,” said one Tiffany Lainstone. “I can’t wait until I’m sixteen!”

    Most students shared her enthusiasm. “I drove into a gas station and everything exploded. I didn’t even think of doing that, I just sort of lost control and it happened. That’s badass!” echoed Timothy Tremblay. “Videogames teach me what is and isn’t acceptable in the real world!”

  • Meddling Mages Interrupt Town Hall Meetings

    Town hall referrendums over the proposed damage prevention and regeneration reforms have recently come to the forefront of Dominarian attention due to the increasingly rowdy nature of the meetings. Damage prevention and regeneration have been hotly contested issues ever since Planeswalker Obakresh the Defiler has decreed that he would now be in control of what creatures recieve damage prevention and when. “NOW IT IS I, OBAKRESH THE DEFILER WHO CONTROLS ALL MEANS OF DAMAGE PREVENTION AND REGENERATION,” boomed Obakresh in his patented million-tongue scream. “OBAKRESH CONTROL WHEN MEDICS TAP, OBAKRESH CONTROL WHAT DAMAGE THEY PREVENT.”

    “MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” he added.

    Obakresh’s plan of placating the masses by allowing them the pittance of talking amongst themselves, however, is being foiled by a very vocal group of mages. “Our plan is to chant so loudly that nobody can get a spell in edgewise,” claimed one of the meddling mages. “Unfortunately, this violent wasteland is an indictment of its people. These cowards lack the will to oppose disorder.”

    The mages have been drawing some strong grassroots support. “Listen, I regenerate myself,” said outspoken critic Drudge Skeletons. “I don’t need anybody telling me how and when I need to use my regeneration. I hear people saying ‘Oh, he’s dead anyway, what does he need regeneration for’ or ‘that mana could be used for something else’. Well you know what, that’s MY MANA. We all know where this mana is going anyway, and it has nothing to do with damage prevention, it’s going to those damn Illusions of Grandeur payments that are keeping Obakresh alive.”

    Supporters of Obakresh are quick to mention that damage prevention has frequently been misused in Dominaria. “I’ve seen a battlefield medic preventing damage to an Illusionary Servant who was about to be squashed by a Craw Wurm. Everyone knows you can’t heal fog, for heaven’s sake! The medic took one look at the darn thing and it evaporated,” said Enseloth, an Elvish farmer. “I trust Planeswalker Obakresh to make better decisions when it comes to damage prevention,” he added before being sacrificed to a Caregiver to prevent damage to a Darksteel Gargoyle.

    One of the more controversial issues surrounding the damage prevention and regeneration is the Death Watch provision, which allows Planeswalker Obakresh to terminate the life of a creature at any time and gain life equal to their toughness. “CREATURES OF DOMINARIA. OBAKRESH WILL NOT DEVOUR YOUR SOUL UNLESS YOU ARE ALREADY ABOUT TO DIE. THIS OBAKRESH PROMISE,” the Planeswalker’s mighty voice echoed throughout the realm. “MAYBE IF YOU ALMOST ABOUT TO DIE, LIKE IF FIREBALL WERE ALMOST BE HITTING YOU, MAYBE THEN OBAKRESH DEVOUR SOUL FIRST BEFORE IT GET BURNED AND UNEATABLE.”

  • ‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections





    His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.

    “When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale

    When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.

    When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.

    An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.

    The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.

    When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.

    (^ kingcobweb)


    If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!

    “From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme

    Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!

    If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!

    It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.

    “Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara

    You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?

    Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.

    The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.

    Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.

    “Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words

    Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.

    I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”

    For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.

    No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.

    “Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer

    With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.

    “Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”

    “What about water?”

    “Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”

    Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.

    I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?

    If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.

    (^ Reisen)


    He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.

    Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.

    “Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus

    She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.

    There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.

    “If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid

    The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.

    “I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage

    (^ Pterrus)


    When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”

    His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.

    The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.

    His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”

    “More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian

    The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.

    “Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus

    Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.

    The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.

    (^ Crunchums)


    The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.

    “Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song

    When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.

    Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.

    The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?

    For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.

    Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.

    “Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”

    Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!

    The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.

    The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.

    He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.

    (^ Alfred)


    The only thing louder than fury is silence.

    “It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page

    In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.

    “If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer

    A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.

    There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…

    As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.

    “Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam

    Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.

    The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.

    His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.

    Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.

    Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.

    The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.

    “If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor

    The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.

    In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.

    “Esper mages tap like this:

    *pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*

    But grixis zombies tap like this:

    *pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up

    Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.

    The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.

    How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.

    The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.

    It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.

    “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”

    Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.

    It cannot spell, only counterspell.

    Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.

    No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”

    The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.

    Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.

    It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.

    There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.

    Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.

    (^ Vandermonde)


    (These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)

  • Pokémon Koffing Arrested for Failing to Meet Emission Standards

    Koffing, one of the many adorable characters featured in the Pokémon television shows, movies and collectable card games, has landed in hot water tuesday for failing to meet newly tightened emission standards. Koffing, known most for his ability to blast plumes of poisonous smoke at his enemies, has been detained by police following a recent crackdown on unclean Pokémon. This is just the most recent in a string of Pokérrests, with other notable Pokémon — Gloom, Weepinbell and Haunter, taken into custody earlier this week — facing similar charges.

    “We’ve had plenty of reports from neighbors, complaining about the smell and the smoke, and we take those complaints seriously,” Sergeant Juan Raminez said in a press statement yesterday, “The smell is unmistakable. It’s like if you mixed doo-doo with a banana. It’s a very unique smell. You’ll never forget it.”

    Koffing’s lawyers have a different take on the matter. “It’s discrimination, pure and simple,” attorney Suzanne Milner countered, “All you need to do is look at who has been arrested, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of who this new legislation was aimed at. Gloom, Weepinbell, Haunter. Poison, poison, ghost/poison. Do I have problems with some Pokémon? You bet I do, there’s a Pikachu next door that won’t fucking stop Pika-ing. It keeps me awake for hours. Do I want them to make new legislation to stop that? Sure. Would it make me look like a hypocrite? Undoubtably.”

    Legal aid was advised for Koffing after Haunter attempted to represent himself, only to fail disastrously due to the fact that he could only say his own name.

    “Discrimination? Nothing could be further from the truth,” claimed Police Chief Brian Beetworth, “We’ve warned Koffing in the past that in order to go out in public, he needed to wear a bonnet, or a diaper or something for the good of other citizens.”

    “Or,” Beetsworth continued, “he could plug his holes up with something that could slide in comfortably, but not easily pop out. Man, if somebody had just invented some sort of plug that could slide into an orifice and stay in there firmly, this whole situation could have been avoided!”



    (Discuss this item in the forum!)

  • Dog Eats Magic: The Gathering Deck, Dies

    In a stunning development yesterday, Antoine Ruel’s dog “Mountain” ate almost an entire 75 card Quick N’Toast deck and promptly died. The coroner determined that the dog had swallowed the deck, and died as a result of the deck not being food. “It’s something that we see all of the time. A dog, or a person for that matter, eats a large amount of non-food and dies because you’re not supposed to eat things that aren’t food,” he said before rolling up his window and doing a sweet-ass burnout.

    Ruel was naturally quite upset. “I guess that’s what happens when you don’t feed your dog for a week,” he mused. “It’s going to eat your magic cards.”

    Among the casualties were three Chameleon Colossi, four Kitchen Finks and two Cloudthreshers, all foil. Only one card, a single Shriekmaw, managed to avoid being devoured, but when asked to comment, it simply sat on the table motionless, because it is a card.

    This isn’t the first time that an animal under Ruel’s care has died. In 2006, Ruel’s parrot Giant Turtle was euthanized by vets because it had learned and continually repeated the words “Lightning Helix.” His cat Kird Ape was recently humanely slain because it peed on his collection of Tarmogoyfs.

    “These animals think they’re so smart, but they’re not as smart as me,” Ruel said with a chuckle as he wistfully stared at the newly minted portait of himself.

    “See if that dog with the armor faceplate, or that bird on my arm ever crossed me, they would find out pretty quickly that I have the vet on speed dial.”

    (Discuss this item in the forum!)

  • Shadowmoor, Torment Crash M:TG Reunion Party

    The Magic: The Gathering set reunion party was off to a great start, with the MC for the evening, Ravnica, doing his best to entertain the crowd with a few off-color jokes, while a steady supply of mana beverages kept the conversational tempo flowing. Time Spiral was also featured as one of the main acts, performing his patented “vanishing” trick, as well as successfully suspending a Gargadon from his Hammerheim. The festivities quickly turned sour, however, when two of Magic: The Gathering’s self-proclaimed “bad boys” arrived at the party unannounced.

    “Guess who showed up to the party uninvited? Shadowmoor and that jerk Torment,” said Visions. “Shadowmoor spiked the punch with -1/-1 counters; we tried fishing the damn things out, but we couldn’t differentiate them from the +1/+1s that were already in there!”

    The disturbing story did not, however, end there.

    “Torment was as high as a Hypnox last night. It was pretty obvious that he was in some sort of Psychotic Haze, probably from too many hits off the Coffer. It’s really troubling when you see a guy Waste Away like that, but I mean, it’s his body to Mutilate,” mused a concerned Ravnica. “And if he thinks that he’s somehow going to have the Last Laugh over the stunts he pulled yesterday, I guarantee that he’s going to have a few Restless Dreams once he succumbs to Crippling Fatigue and passes out.”

    “Chainer’s Edict, Mesmeric Fiend,” he added.

    The DCI showed up on the scene after things started getting out of hand. One of the more gruesome accounts involved three buckets of Xtra Slip lubricant, a Manticore, and Homelands.

    “They always pick on Homelands just because he’s the smallest and weakest,” sobbed a teary-eyed Mirage. “But this time they went too far!”

    Shadowmoor and Torment are being held by the DCI while the authorities look into the accusations. One of the older members of the Magic multiverse, The Dark, understood what the sets were going through, and offered some words of advice when asked to comment:

    “A lot of people don’t realize that I was the original bad boy. I hear a lot of people say that. That I was bad. REAL bad. I take a lot of pride in that. Dark imagery, sweet cards like Nameless Race… and the name? Hello! Can’t get much darker than ‘The Dark’ can you? Also, put in how many friends I have. I have tons of friends, I have like fourty… five. Over fourty-five.”

    The Dark has over fourty-five friends that all corroborate his story. Most of them live in Canada and Hawaii and are unfortunately unavailable for comment.

  • Uncle Mark’s Make-a-New-Format Contest and MWS Tournament [Vote]

    If you have no idea what I am talking about, you can find the previous thread here.

    Okay! Now we get to vote on what format YOU would like to play with. Write-in votes are accepted too.

    Here’s what the formats are:

    Mini Epic: (Thought up by Falsenipple) This format is: at the beginning of every player’s upkeep, a 1 mana Sorcery or Instant of their choice will be put on the stack. You pick the Sorcery/Instant before the tournament starts, and must stick with it through each round. The 1 mana I/S can be countered, however, it doesn’t count towards storm. Extended banlist.

    Auction of the GG/Mythbusters: This is actually two of RHat’s great ideas rolled into one. The “Mythbusters” part of the format is that every deck in the tournament must include at least 16 Legends, and have no creatures, artifacts or enchantments without the Legendary supertype. Legacy Banlist.

    The Auction of the GG side of the equasion is that selected GG forumgoers will create decklists to be put into the decklist “pool”, given the Mythbusters deck restrictions. Players in the tournament will bid in MT2 Chat on the decklists that they want from that pool. If that’s not possible, I’ll randomly number players in the tournament and let them choose the decklists they want in order.

    Paint Drops: (Thought up by Palemage) Only spells with a single colored mana symbol in their mana costs are allowed. In other words, spells with a 3G casting cost can be played. Legacy banlist.

    Potpourri: (Thought up by Spectre) No more than one card from any set is allowed in your deck i.e. 4 Absorb is okay, 1 Absorb/1 Undermine is not. Core sets are banned. Legacy banlist.

    “Look at me, I’m the DCI”: (Thought up by theauthenticsimpsonian) Legacy banlist. Players who will be participating in the tournament send in 3 banned cards and those cards are banned from the format. If there is overlap in chosen banned cards, you won’t get your vote back.

    Sorceries and Basics: (Thought up by Paz) Only sorceries and basic lands allowed. Legacy banlist.

    So get out there and vote GGers! The next thread will be organizing the MWS tournament!

    CHANGE: -1 Potpourri +1 Sorceries and Basics.

  • Uncle Mark’s Make-a-New-Format Contest and MWS Tournament

    Your Duty: Make a new format for Magic: The Gathering that can be played on MWS.

    Details: Essentially, come up with an original Magic: The Gathering format and we will collect the best entries and put them to a vote. Format obviously being the restrictions on which cards can be played, with possible variations and changes to the rules of Magic: The Gathering.

    The winning format will be played in a MWS tournament, the specifics of which will be determined at a later date.

    Restrictions:

    • Try and make the format relatively simple. Nobody wants to memorize the 50 rules that you’ve made up.
    • It has to be playable on MWS. I.E. No manual dexterity cards, no multiplayer formats, no Unglued/Unhinged cards etc.
    • Get it in within the next couple of weeks!

    Prizes:

    • Sense of superiority and entitlement.
    • The incredibly coveted Alfred points.
    • Pictures of Paz naked*

    *May not actually be Paz.