Sakura-Tribe Elder: “I Will Fight No More Forever” 
Economic Crisis Breaks 13-Year Stasis Lock
AURORA — 26-year old Stephen Prohashkos was released from a 13-year Stasis lock today, as ongoing global economic and credit turmoil finally rendered 33-year old Walter Phillips unable to pay a blue mana during his upkeep. As a result, Prohashkos has finally untapped and, according to family and friends, is ready to move on with life.
“It’s a hard time, what with the layoffs and all, but having Stephen out of that lock is a real silver lining,” said Stephen’s father Zorba. “I know his mother is glad she won’t have to give him any more sponge baths.”
In the spring of 1995, 13-year old Prohashkos sat down with his neighbor and Miami of Ohio freshman Phillips to play the collectible card game Magic: The Gathering. Prohashkos had learned the game from playmates at school, and Phillips, who had often babysat Prohashkos as a child, seemed enthusiastic that the two shared an interest.
It is unclear what happened next, or how exactly Prohashkos was trapped by what eyewitness accounts say is a “blue two mana enchantment” and “totally cheap.” We attempted to reach Magic publisher Wizards of the Coast spokesperson Tina Gaffney for comment but could not get past the balls.
Regardless of the specific timeline, the lock proved remarkably resilient, pacifying Prohashkos and rendering him incapable of interacting with his opponent, and, it appears, the world at large, provided that Phillips made minimum payments during each of his upkeeps. After establishing the lock, Phillips returned to college, continuing to maintain the lock out of student loan funds, early wages and, later, a home equity line of credit that was recently withdrawn by Phillips’ bank due to concerns about his creditworthiness.
“Honestly, once I set the thing up to autopay, I kind of forgot about it,” said Philips. “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have played that deck against a kid, but if you refuse to play against good decks and cards, you never learn anything. I was pretty young at the time. In retrospect, I guess I should have included a win condition. He must have been playing with a pretty big deck – I guess that makes sense, since he was prepubescent and all.”
“I never thought this day would come,” said teary older brother Thomas. “I would have done anything to bring Stephen back. There are times when I even thought about extreme measures. But Walter also had a Moat. That son of a bitch.”
“Mom says I have to finish reading Bridge to Terabithia before dinner,” said Prohashkos as he shaved off a three-foot beard. “But after that, I want to get a copy of Scrye and see what my Chromium is worth now. Snoochy Boochy!”