Dr. Hisoka: “Magic Players are Losers”

Posted on Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 by Sam111111
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Posted in ALR contest entry, mtg

Cascade shows how, deep down, all Magic players are losers, says Hisoka, Minamo Sensei, widely known outside the Magic world for his moving and direct psychiatric diagnosis.

Introduced on “The Visara Show,” the Sensei — who prefers to be called “Dr. Hisoka” — quickly expanded his reach to millions of Magic players nationwide, who tune in to his show daily.

Commenting on one of the new abilities introduced in Alara Reborn, “Cascade,” Dr. Hisoka said that the excitement generated by the mechanic was “misguided at best”.

“Cascade is a powerful mechanic, but it is also a cry for help from the game’s designers, who obviously have no social life and need to get more friends,” a wide-eyed Dr. Hisoka explained in a Texan drawl. “What they’ve done is created versions of themselves as cards — versions of themselves that have friends. Their standards are as low as their self-esteems! They remade Will O’ The Wisp (as Kathari Remnant) so that he could find another Will O’ The Wisp, so they could sit together and talk about cards or something. In Kamigawa, we have a word for these guys: losers.”

“Look at Bloodbraid Elf!” Dr. Hisoka continued. “That isn’t an elf that likes going out to parties. She sulks all the time. Why can’t she just be happy with who she is?”

Bloodbraid Elf, widely regarded as one of the best cards in the set, had no comment.

“And look at the art on Ardent Plea,” Dr. Hisoka continued. “These cards know they suck — they’re begging for somebody, anybody, to come in and make their lives better. I would appreciate the spell costing 2 more mana or so. She’s praying to heaven for something, and I would know just what to give her. But the designers always need to have their fun.”

Meddling Mage. Need I say more?”

Deny Reality disagreed. “Look, this guy’s insane,” said the spell, which alternated between being a tropical island and a raging hurricane while speaking with us. “He’s obviously just looking for attention.”

Enigma Sphinx drooped her head upon hearing that the famed Magic card had taken offense to her mechanic. “Look at me already,” she said. “I’m a freak! All this Sensei guy is doing is exploiting us ordinary Magic cards to draw viewers to his ‘Dr. Hisoka’ show. Despicable.”

“At least we’re not Gleemax,” she added.