Jace, the Blight Sculptor 
Pokémon Koffing Arrested for Failing to Meet Emission Standards
Koffing, one of the many adorable characters featured in the Pokémon television shows, movies and collectable card games, has landed in hot water tuesday for failing to meet newly tightened emission standards. Koffing, known most for his ability to blast plumes of poisonous smoke at his enemies, has been detained by police following a recent crackdown on unclean Pokémon. This is just the most recent in a string of Pokérrests, with other notable Pokémon — Gloom, Weepinbell and Haunter, taken into custody earlier this week — facing similar charges.
“We’ve had plenty of reports from neighbors, complaining about the smell and the smoke, and we take those complaints seriously,” Sergeant Juan Raminez said in a press statement yesterday, “The smell is unmistakable. It’s like if you mixed doo-doo with a banana. It’s a very unique smell. You’ll never forget it.”
Koffing’s lawyers have a different take on the matter. “It’s discrimination, pure and simple,” attorney Suzanne Milner countered, “All you need to do is look at who has been arrested, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of who this new legislation was aimed at. Gloom, Weepinbell, Haunter. Poison, poison, ghost/poison. Do I have problems with some Pokémon? You bet I do, there’s a Pikachu next door that won’t fucking stop Pika-ing. It keeps me awake for hours. Do I want them to make new legislation to stop that? Sure. Would it make me look like a hypocrite? Undoubtably.”
Legal aid was advised for Koffing after Haunter attempted to represent himself, only to fail disastrously due to the fact that he could only say his own name.
“Discrimination? Nothing could be further from the truth,” claimed Police Chief Brian Beetworth, “We’ve warned Koffing in the past that in order to go out in public, he needed to wear a bonnet, or a diaper or something for the good of other citizens.”
“Or,” Beetsworth continued, “he could plug his holes up with something that could slide in comfortably, but not easily pop out. Man, if somebody had just invented some sort of plug that could slide into an orifice and stay in there firmly, this whole situation could have been avoided!”