Month: September 2009

In an act that has excited citizens and civil authorities around the world, the G-20 and the United Nations have simultaneously voted on a mutually binding resolution to mill the world’s bombs. These bombs, rather than being dropped or mailed or windmill slammed, will be ground into a fine powder that will be used in high-school science labs, novelty moustache-drawing devices and nutritional supplements for impoverished, iron-deficient children in the developing world.

“This is a proud moment for all us,” said U.N. Secretary General That Korean Guy Whose Name Nobody Knows. “To see these bombs put in a place where they can’t hurt anyone anymore – you have to admit; that’s a pretty great feeling.”

The milling condition goes into effect in 2015, and, at the behest of the permanent members of the security council, does not effect bombs that have already been produced, bombs currently in production, or any bombs designed and manufactured before the ban takes effect.

“This is an empty piece of self-congratulation that doesn’t affect the board,” said Netherlands U.N. delegate Franz Blarsten. “Unless it is changed to mill all the weapons in the world – starting immediately, and completing within the year – it will not affect the ability of the nations of the world to make war, either against each other or against their own citizens.” During Blarsten’s remarks, the lights were turned out, and all the other delegates went for sandwiches.

Libyan Leader Mu’ammar Al-Qadhafi was slated to speak in the opposition, but he instead launched into a 94-minute rant about the shuffler.

That lovable scamp, Wizards of the Cost R&D puppy “Li’l Tapper,” is at it again! It was a rare sunny day in the Pacific Northwest, and Li’l Tapper was stuck sitting inside the Wizards offices — between the Pepsi machine and a giant fiberglass statue of Goblin Ski Patrol — with his widdle nose pressed against the window, just wanting to play.

So, when Card Designer Nenny Kagle made his way toward the fire doors, it was no surprise that Li’l Tapper bounded alongside him.

“No, Li’l Tapper!” said Nenny. “I can’t play now. I have to do something important.”

Nenny’s task, which he did not relish, was to briefly leave the heavily fortified Wizards compound, and, with all the strength of the mighty right arm of Wizards R&D, cast Onslaught Block, including the powerful and beloved fetchlands, out the door, far into the distance, and out of Extended.

“You’ve had a good run, Onslaught,” said Nenny, “but it’s about time we all see what the world is like without you for a little while.” He sobbed. “By which I mean still play faeries.” He sobbed again.

But as he cast open the door, blinded momentarily by tears and the rare encroachment of sunlight, he didn’t notice Li’l Tapper slip through his legs and out into the parking lot. Nor did he notice Li’l Tapper streak out after the cards he hurled into the distance, nor spot him scooting back in through the closing door as Nenny trudged up the stairs and back to his cube.

In fact, he didn’t notice anything at all until he saw the spoiler for the latest Magic: The Gathering set, Zendikar (which is Yiddish for “Please summon a limousine.”). Sure, enough, there were the fetchlands! They were a little torn up, not quite how they’d used to be, but there was no doubt about it — that pokey little puppy had managed to get yet another reprint into a Magic set!

“Oh, Li’l Tapper!!!” said Nenny. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Because that furry little ball of fun had managed to squeak out that door, the fetchlands were going to stay in Extended for another fifty dog years.

When asked how chewed-up scraps of paper left under a chair coated in slobber managed to get into a Magic set, Magical Developer Pom LaTille said:

Li’l Tapper is a black and white Border Collie — which means he is loyal, friendly, good with children, and fond of reprints, a trait he shares with the Nantuko Dachshunt, the Phyrexian Spaniel and the Poodle Aristocrat, which, despite having different breeds, turn out to be functionally identical.

Various Wizards employees have tried, halfheartedly at best, to say “No” to Li’l Tapper’s antics, with the unexpected result that Cancel has been scheduled for print in every Magic set through 2012.