If you’ve heard the speeches from the recent Church of Avacyn party conference, you’ve no doubt heard a great deal about how the Monster party wants to kill all humans and feast on their brains.

But I am here today to offer a different viewpoint: that the Monster party is dedicated to establishing equality for all creature types across the plane of Innistrad.

As is the case with so many great planes, here on Innistrad Humans – and, predominantly, white Humans – are the single most represented creature type, accounting for about 30% of the population. And up until now, this one race has dominated every aspect of our society – industry, commerce, and, most significantly, religion. The Church of Avacyn perpetuates damaging myths and stereotypes to condition humans to think of other races as unintelligent and dangerous. You’ve no doubt read the statistic that 100% of violent crimes committed by Monster party voters are directed towards humans; but I wouldn’t put too much stock in numbers like that. After all, it is technically impossible to commit violent crimes against most monsters, since we are legally dead.

Vampires demand to
be taken seriously.

Ask yourself: have you ever actually seen a vampire feeding on a human? People tell their children that all vampires are consumed by addiction, unable to contribute to society because they cannot look past their next fix of blood. Worse, people believe that this addiction is somehow contagious, and shelter their families from socialising with their vampire neighbours.

Now, I am not going to deny that the guests at the parties I have attended at castle Markov enjoy a drop of red now and again, but every vampire I have met has been fully in control of their urges – more than I can say for some humans I have met.

Now consider, if you will, the treatment my own zombie kinsmen receive. I think it is fair to say that modern Innistraddian society was built on skaab labour, and yet zombie workers earn far less their human equivalents and have to deal with abusive discrimination from their employers. While it is medically accurate to describe zombies as ‘braindead’, it is entirely wrong to assume that our lack of a functioning nervous system impairs our intellect. Zombies can think – and zombies can feel. Many humans mistakenly assume that a zombie’s only motivation is a hunger for human brains, but many of us hunger instead for self-improvement and professional pride. Under our government, human firstborns will be taken as brain tax, but this is more indicative of the economic climate than any hidden zombie agenda.

The “dead men don’t vote” act of 735 prohibited the spirit population of Innistrad from contributing to the democratic process. But as I survey this crowd today and see the faces of spirits, zombies and vampires gazing back at me, I say – aren’t we all dead? It is time for the government to recognise that a substantial portion of our society and culture is made up of the deceased, and that fact should be celebrated rather than suppressed. Many writers and artists only create their greatest works after they have died and have the benefit of a fresh perspective on life.

Break through that
glass ceiling!

Perhaps worst of all is the plight of the proud werewolf. I remember a time when rural werewolf communities like Avabruck flourished, and residents were able to practise their traditional customs, like fighting, in peace. But under the Church of Avacyn, werewolves are forced to conceal their true natures for all but one night in every month. Instead of expressing their culture, they are made to live a lie if they want to get anywhere in the world. I want werewolves to be proud of their identity, and for their human colleagues not to shrink in fear from the fact that they are capable of hunting and killing them for sport.

Now, it is true that our candidate, Griselbrand, has served several centuries of jail time. But he is a reformed demon, and I swear to you, from the bottoms of my five decorative hearts, that everyone in the Monster party is committed to realising our vision. Although monsters never sleep, we dream of establishing a new Innistrad where no-one need be staked, or exorcised, or preyed upon. Where humans and monsters can share both the night and the day. Where there is always food on every plate at night – regardless of, uh, the individual’s particular diet.

Now, who will stand with me for a brighter day – and a blacker night?