This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.

Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the prerelease has not yet occurred. Our apologies to Jethro, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.

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HI! I’m new to strategy writing, I’m an old fashioned pro-player; I like my cards unstamped and my drafts rotisserie. I’ve been playing since the 80’s back when Magic was HARDCORE: Don’t like It: SUCK IT! And by it I mean Magic. Wanna Be a great player, Wanna make the Pro-Tour? You can’t! Not with that attitude. My Magic training is the best there is and it’s not cheap and it is nasty and I don’t take wannabee’s! SO BUCKLE UP.

My Name’s Jethro, and if you want to not SUCK IT(And By IT I STILL MEAN MAGIC!) this is what you should be reading: Ready?

STEP 1: DRAFT LIKE A MAN!

Quick what’s the first pick from this pack!

Quicker than that you’ve only got 38 seconds left to make this decision. Why 37? ’cause you spent the fist minute reading the introduction to this article. C’mon now 20 seconds!

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WRONG!

You made the wrong decision and Now you’re going to lose. Your dreams will be crushed by some NOOB in the first round who taps his lands in different directions and isn’t EVEN using sleeves. Is that the Kinda Magic player you WANT to be: IS IT? Because Noone and I mean Noone has ever had fun LOSING MAGIC! Oh they might say they had fun, they might offer their hand and say it was a ‘good game’: know what I do to losers who say good game, I punch them in the Mouth That’s what! And If I get disqualified by some Bastard Judge who’s got pimples and massive glasses: GOOD! Because I’ve opened such a terrible pack remaining in this tournament is a waste of time. That’s your first lesson Write it down, while I drink whisky and invent STEP 2!

Lesson 1: If you open a pack THIS BAD the best thing to do is quit and join another Queue.

STEP 2: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FISH AND MOVES LIKE A FISH: HIT IT WITH A HAMMER.

Quick! Look at this card from Theros and evaluate it for limited play:

Quicker than that! Is that how slow you’re going to evaluate cards in your pre-release sealed?!?!’Cause you’ve got over 100 cards to evaluate and if you go that slowly you won’t have time to submit a deck and will be disqualified from the Pro tour: TRUE STORY! [1]

Anyway, back to the card at hand. The correct answer (Once you finally got there, well done genius Clap Clap) is that no card in limited can be evaluated in a vacuum, every card has other cards it DEPENDS on, for instance this Card depends on 3 lands to cast it: Rubbish! 1 card depending on 3 cards; lands are for NOOBS throw it on the scrapheap.

THAT’S your second lesson: Why aren’t you already writing it down whilst I drink Whisky and Think about TITS!

Lesson 2: Lands are for Noobs: Real men just play there cards and hope noone notices That’s how things were back in my day. [2]

STEP 3: INTERLUDE!

IF I could rant for a second: ELSPETH IS WEARING TO MANY CLOTHES IN THIS ART!

You call that body armor?!? This is Body Armor:

Oh YEAH!

STEP 4: THE VISUAL SPOILER!

Some (idiots mostly) say that you should always religiously study the visual spoiler before taking part in a Pre-release in order to play around Tricks and removal your opponent might have. This is Nonsense. After all, knowing every trick isn’t important, you just need to know the ones ACTUALLY in your opponents hand.

Doing this can be tricky, and my methods vary; the secret is to never use the same TRICK twice; or three times if you’re drunk enough; always try to isolate your opponent from their hand, ask THEM to go get a judge to answer your question, the second they look away: start riffling through their cards. Hell if there’s enough time you can even start going through their deck to see what goodies lie there; and if you’re caught just claim it’s your own deck and put it on top of yours, then get them disqualified for Rules Infraction: ‘Not having a deck!’ (This REALLY works) [3]

That’s your fifth lesson: write it down while I drink WHISKY and meditate on the complexities of the human condition, and how love, kindness and respect are the keys to a satisfied existence!

Lesson 5: Always know your enemies (hand) intimately!

SUMMING UP!

Don’t read articles telling you how to be a great magic player; written by so called “’Pro’s’”. There’s only one trick to becoming a GREAT player and it rhymes with Whisky!

Enjoy losing to me at the pre-release Fuckers,

Jethro

[1] [Ed: Jethro was disqualified from the Pro-Tour in 1996 for what the judge called “The most blatant, obvious and obnoxious cheating I have ever seen a player commit.” when whilst ‘shuffleing’ his opponents library, he went through it for all the non-lands and pocketed them.]

[2] [Ed: It is believed Jethro is here referring to his second appearance on the Pro-Tour where he piloted affinity; he is famous for receiving more warnings and committing more infractions at this pro-tour than any player in history; including a warning for unsportsmanlike conduct when he set his opponents deck on fire. The head judge confesses that this should have been a disqualification but he was fascinated to “See what Jethro would do next.”]

[3] [Ed: Jethro is talking about an incident at his third and final appearance at a Pro-Tour or indeed any competitive Magic event. He was placed 403rd despite there being only 351 players because, as one judge put it, “Get him out of here, get him out now.” When asked about the incident afterwards, he described himself as “The people’s Champion” for having shown up without qualification and playing under an assumed DCI number.]