Tag: asdf

The streets of Bismont, Tinnessee are quiet these days, but it wasn’t always like that. This small town, nestled in the shadow of the great furnace, was once a thriving mining community. Like many towns in the once thriving region of the plane called the rust clamp, Bismont sits on a large deposit of artifact, and the town’s whole economy revolved around mining it.

“It used to be that everyone who needed a job could get one in the mines” said Slobill, a 75-year-old retired krark-clan grunt. I met Slobill at a diner on main street, one of the few businesses still open. He lost a hand to a shrapnel blast, and a son to a runaway megatog. Nevertheless, he wishes the mine was still open. “We used to make stuff in this country. Everything used to be powered by artifact lands. The ironworks, the frogmite factories, heck I even knew a guy in Mephidross who just wanted people to destroy artifact lands in front of him. But now, with all this government regulation, no one uses artifact lands anymore.”

Artifact lands, once the premier energy source of the multiverse, fell out of favor when the DCI discovered the harmful effect that pollution from sacrificing these lands had on the metagame. As the fifth sun rose for the first time, a flurry of new regulations and treaties severely limited the use of artifact lands across the multiverse, forcing the mine here to shut down.

Many here in Bismont are hopeful that the election of a new Praetor, Elesh Norn, will usher in an age of deregulation that will lead to massive demand for artifact lands. “I’m sure that any day now, there will be some sort of Battle for New Phyrexia, and then everyone will be clamoring for the mines to reopen to power their Inkbound Ravagers and Greater Frogmites” Slobill’s wife Korva, Vulshok Homemaker, tells me. But Slobill isn’t so sure. “Sure, everyone used to want artifacts to power their furnace dragons and broodstars, but can we really compete with these new alternate energy sources like natural gas or cats. I just don’t know.”

Seattle, Washington — Neighborhood children are despondent after discovering that, instead of candy, parents will be handing out “treasure chests” this year for Halloween. “Treasure chests” are curated packages of Halloween favorites, like raisins, stickers, candy corn and 20-carat diamonds.

“We feel that treasure chests will truly add to the excitement of the Halloween experience,” according to local man Worth Wollpert. “We felt that currently the Halloween experience is damaged by the fact that whenever a child goes to a house, they know they are going to get candy they want or can trade with their friends for candy they want. Treasure chests reintroduce fun surprises that truly capture the spirit of Halloween.” Wollpert then noticed a child trying to trade their sealed treasure chest for a circus peanut, and ran away to try to stop them.

But many in the neighborhood are upset by this change. “Fuck you, I want candy. Why do the adults think they can keep on shitting on us like this?” inquired one local child. Another child expressed that he felt this change was “the stupidest thing ever” and told us that he was thinking about trick-or-treating on Stonehearth Road instead.

UPDATE: Following the publication of this article, neighborhood spokesperson Lee Sharpe issued a statement.

“We have heard your concerns about treasure chests. We remain very excited for their release but wanted to address some trick-or-treaters concerns. We heard your requests and will be providing a complete breakdown of the percentage each treasure chest can contain a premium treat. In addition, we are thinking about allowing trick-or-treaters to trade treasure chests in the future.”

Treasure Chest Contents

Commons

Raisins
Staples
Apple Slices
Crayons
Jack Chick Tracts
Carrots
Informational Pamphlet about the Lutheran Church on 6th Street
Ketchup Packets

Uncommon

Tootsie Rolls
Smarties
Breath Mints
A bag of cereal
Candy Corn
Trail Mix

Mythic Rare/Premium

20-Carat Diamond
Fun Size Snickers
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
Starbursts
A BMW
Cocaine
Twizzlers
Starbursts
Hundred dollar bill
Peanut M&Ms

Reuben Bresler glared at AJ Sacher from across the Magic: the Newsening desk. “I told you, AJ, I’m out. I’ve gone straight. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.”

“But this is it Reuben, the big one. If we can pull this off, Guillaume will pay us a cool million. But I need your help, you’re the best safecracker in the business.”

Reuben thought about what he could do with that money. He could finally retire, open that little card shop on the beach he’d always been dreaming about, in a country with no extradition. “Ok, what’s the job?”

“The Shadows over Innistrad godbook. It’ll be the biggest score since Mike ‘Rootwater Thief’ Long stole the invitational.”

“That’s impossible. It’s 3 months before the set’s release date! The printers won’t even have it, we’d have to go to the source. And even if we did get into wizards headquarters, Mark Rosewater’s vault is the most secure vault in the world. The entire vault is made of darksteel, I’d need all my tools to crack it, and I’d never get those past security. Security guards on duty 24/7, a security system that runs software designed by THE Worth Wollpert, mandatory background checks for everyone who comes in.”

“Jarvis can hack the security system, he went to Dartmouth. And for the rest, if we pull this off, they’ll let us walk through the front door” AJ said with a grin.

It was a cold January morning when Reuben and AJ pulled up to wizards headquarters. Before they could even make it through the mox encrusted doorway, a security guard was already stopping them.

“What are you doing here?” he grunted at the two.

Reuben tilted his sunglasses down, handed the guard his credentials and said, “We’re here to stream the Sunday Super Series.”

“Sunday Super Series. What the **** is that? I’m going to have to search your bags.”

“We’re already running late, you wouldn’t want to keep Aaron Forsythe waiting, would you? We all remember what happened to Randy when he made Aaron mad.”

The color left the security guards face. “I’m sure it will be ok. Go on through, sirs.” the security guard stammered.

Reuben and AJ walked through the halls of wizards to Mark Rosewater’s vault. “I hate security guards almost as much as a werewolf hates a collar. Especially Avacyn’s Collar, the symbol of her church.” AJ quipped as they approached the vault.

“I still can’t believe they bought it,” Reuben said, “why would anyone decide to fly at the last minute to Renton to stream a tournament no one has heard of, especially without checking with Wizards first? But those idiots emailed us credentials as soon as we got off the plane. They didn’t even have time to do a background check.”

They unzipped their duffel bag labeled “streaming equipment” and pulled out the finest safe cracking gear; Voltaic keys, drills made by Dwarven Drillers, and some Engineered Explosives.

AJ kept watch, while Reuben go to work on the door. A few minutes later, there was a loud bang, and then Reuben yelled “I’ve got it.”

But, before Reuben and AJ could celebrate their victory, alarms started blaring, and they heard an ominous voice say “I don’t think a 3 year ban is going to be enough this time.”

Trick Jarrett stood at the end of the hallway, holding a 9mm pistol. Before AJ and Reuben could think, he’d already fired two shots.

Mark Rosewater and Aaron Forsythe watched the ambulance drive away.

“This was nasty business, but it had to be done. I remember, one time, when I was working on an episode of Roseanne…” Suddenly Mark Rosewater’s story was interrupted by a loud banging noise. Aaron opened his closet, and saw Trick tied to a chair. “But if you’re here, then who was…”

Meanwhile, Reuben and AJ unzipped their body bags and sat up in the ambulance.

“I can’t believe we pulled this off.” Reuben said to Trick, who was driving the ambulance.

Trick turned, and pulled off his mask “Of course we pulled it off, I’m the greatest thief in the multiverse.”