Artifacts for Sale! 
Neighborhood Man Disappoints Trick-or-Treaters
Seattle, Washington — Neighborhood children are despondent after discovering that, instead of candy, parents will be handing out “treasure chests” this year for Halloween. “Treasure chests” are curated packages of Halloween favorites, like raisins, stickers, candy corn and 20-carat diamonds.
“We feel that treasure chests will truly add to the excitement of the Halloween experience,” according to local man Worth Wollpert. “We felt that currently the Halloween experience is damaged by the fact that whenever a child goes to a house, they know they are going to get candy they want or can trade with their friends for candy they want. Treasure chests reintroduce fun surprises that truly capture the spirit of Halloween.” Wollpert then noticed a child trying to trade their sealed treasure chest for a circus peanut, and ran away to try to stop them.
But many in the neighborhood are upset by this change. “Fuck you, I want candy. Why do the adults think they can keep on shitting on us like this?” inquired one local child. Another child expressed that he felt this change was “the stupidest thing ever” and told us that he was thinking about trick-or-treating on Stonehearth Road instead.
UPDATE: Following the publication of this article, neighborhood spokesperson Lee Sharpe issued a statement.
“We have heard your concerns about treasure chests. We remain very excited for their release but wanted to address some trick-or-treaters concerns. We heard your requests and will be providing a complete breakdown of the percentage each treasure chest can contain a premium treat. In addition, we are thinking about allowing trick-or-treaters to trade treasure chests in the future.”
Treasure Chest Contents
Commons
Raisins
Staples
Apple Slices
Crayons
Jack Chick Tracts
Carrots
Informational Pamphlet about the Lutheran Church on 6th Street
Ketchup Packets
Uncommon
Tootsie Rolls
Smarties
Breath Mints
A bag of cereal
Candy Corn
Trail Mix
Mythic Rare/Premium
20-Carat Diamond
Fun Size Snickers
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
Starbursts
A BMW
Cocaine
Twizzlers
Starbursts
Hundred dollar bill
Peanut M&Ms