Part Of a Compleat Diet

Posted on Wednesday, January 25th, 2023 ToadBrews
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Posted in food, mtg

Phyrexian Devourer artwork by Mark Tedin

“Powerstone stoves don’t give you the same temperature control. When you’re grilling a furnace scamp steak, you need to be able to get a good sear on the outside, and the traditional stoves are great at it,” explained a Mirran patriot at the ‘For Mirrodin!’ rebellion to protest Melira’s proposed ban on grills and stoves powered by glistening oil.

Recent studies by resistance artificers indicate that cooking food on glistening oil can cause complications, sometimes even leading to compleation. The danger is compounded by the enclosed spaces many Mirrans inhabit on the Furnace Layer, but many Mirrans say they have no intention of switching over to the safer, more Mirrodin-friendly powerstone fueled stoves being imported from Dominaria. “Have you seen how long it takes those things to cook an egg? When we can even get eggs, that is! No thanks. I’ve been cooking on glistening oil for decades and besides the occasional urge to scrap my friends for their parts and rebuild myself into a more glorious form I’m entirely fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go loiter outside the tent where they’re planning strategies to overthrow Elesh Norn.”

I asked the Mirran leadership what they think about the controversy. Koth, a planeswalker native to Mirrodin, doesn’t really see the point in arguing. “Look, oil, powerstone, it’s all nonsense. When I need to cook something I just use a spatula to press it against my super-heated shoulder pads. When it sizzles, it’s ready to eat. Everyone’s over complicating things.”

Elspeth, another planeswalker who’s visiting the Furnace Layer to catch up with some old friends has her own take on the issue. “Cooking with glistening oil is certainly dangerous, no one is denying that. Eating modern Phyrexian food fills your body with toxins. Over time, those toxins can build up in your body and lead to constipation, lethargy, depression, and even compleation. However, changing stoves won’t help. What you need is some Halo. It’s imported directly from New Capenna and it can cure not only compleation but also digestive issues, acne, erectile dysfunction, baldness, and smallpox. It’s true that it hasn’t been evaluated by the FDA, but that’s because it’s all natural!”

As I finished my discussion with Elspeth, I paused to notice the smell of several burning barrels of glistening oil. While there may be a risk, it’s undeniable that the aroma of burning Phyrexian essence makes my stomach growl. I’d do just about anything for a nicely grilled Tyrannax kebab. I look over at my previous interviewee, standing in the shadows outside Melira’s tent, and for a moment our eyes meet. Just…about…anything.