Author: basilisk

  • Interview with a Mine Bearer

    This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.



    Bendan Blawmi is 20 years old, is single and likes to play baccarat. He has the best profession in the world. He’s a mine bearer. I went to interview him in a coffee house in Jamuraa. Who knows if this isn’t the coffee house Bendan will blow up in soon? To help break the ice, I offer him a cigarette.


    Want one?

    No, thank you. I don’t smoke. Those things can kill you, y’know?

    Why mine bearer?

    I didn’t really have much of a choice. My dad was a mine bearer, and so was his dad. As the firstborn, it’s my job to carry on the family work. It’s in my blood, and therefore soon will be splattered on the wall.

    How did your family react to the news?

    They knew I wanted to follow the fuse my granddad lit. I’ve always had the mine bearing bug in me ever since I can remember. When I was a little kid, I had the habit of throwing myself into the pool, power mine style, and soak all the keldon kids. I think it’s something that’s born with you, y’know? My family took it well. My brothers look up to me, they know a mine bearer is someone who rises up in life. My mother settled herself with my choice, but she insisted I graduated. She said an uneducated man is no more than a goblin and that, if my mine bearer career went south, I’d need something to hold on to. If I still had hands, that is. She said, “crippled is one thing, crippled and stupid is something else!”

    Do you have an idea how you’d like to go off?

    Well, you can never control these things, but I have an idea what I’d like to do. Above all else, I want to be successful and blow up correctly. My dream, of course, is to take a gargadon or a wurm with me, something big that people will remember me for. The one thing I dread is to be a dud, to fail to blow up a guy because they found someone’s cloak lying around. Sometimes I have nightmares that I try to blow up a Bog Elemental, that I pull the pin but the mines don’t explode. And I’m left standing there, with everyone laughing at me. I wake up panicking. It’s like those dreams you have as a kid, that you go naked to school…

    And after you blow up, what do you think happens?

    Man! After I blow up, I’ll wake up in heaven, next to the Prophet and seventy virgins! I’ll have seventy virgins all for myself!

    Bendan, have you ever been with a virgin?

    My sister.

    Sexually, I mean.

    Oh, no.

    Do you know how much trouble a virgin is? You have to convince her to go to the bed, convince her you really do like her and that no one will think she’s a slut just for sleeping with you. Then comes the sex – well, let’s just say all that kinky stuff you see Jolrael doing in your magazines won’t fly with a virgin. And in the end, she’ll hold on to you so hard you won’t be able to get free to take a leak until morning.

    I did not know that…

    And worst of all, no matter how lousy you were, she’ll always look at you as “the first”. She’ll think you have some kind of special bond or something and she’ll never want to leave you. And that’s just one virgin, now imagine seventy.

    I had never thought about it that way. No wonder they call it eternity…


  • A Sword of Ice and Fire

    This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.



    A Sword of Ice And Fire is a series of fantasy novels by George R. R. Martin.

  • Casual Product Roundup

    One of Magic’s greatest strengths is the player’s ability to create their own game experience. Not only can you generate an astoundingly large different number of decks, you can change the very rules themselves. Several of these variants have gained widespread acceptance, and we’ve finally gotten around to making you pay us for them.

    Momir Basic

    Momir Basic Photo

    Now you and your backwards, Luddite friends can enjoy the format that Magic Online players are raving about at your own kitchen table! Includes:

    • 60 Basic Lands
    • Momir Vig Avatar
    • Token copies of every printing of every creature, ever

    MSRP: $149.99

    Mental Magic

    Mastercore Card Photo

    Experience magic’s entire rich history, or at least the parts you can come up with on the spot. Includes:

    • Blank Cards with Casting Costs
    • Dry Erase Marker

    MSRP: $16.99

    Cube

    Experience the endless replayability of draft with the power and synergy of constructed at the expense of both! Includes:

    • Large Plastic Case
    • Empty, resealable Packs
    • Powerful and Exciting Cards Sold Separately

    MSRP: $59.99

    DC10

    20-sided die which reads Infinity on all sides

    Restrictions breed creativity, which can be a real burden. Now with DC10 you can turn off your brain and cast huge monsters. Includes:

    • Spin-Down Mana Counters
    • 200 10-Cent Rares
    • 3-5 Barns for Shuffling

    MSRP: $21.99

    Two-Headed Giant

    Two-Headed Giant Photo

    Take a break from the frustration of losing to your best friend by exchanging it for the frustration of your best friend causing you to lose to others. Includes:

    • Blame Token
    • List of suggested semantic arguments the format gives rise to
    • Coupon for half-price surgery to literally graft your head to your partner’s body

    MSRP: $1.19

  • Summer of Emilevin’ Week 5 VOTE!

    This was a powerful and complete week of Emilevin’ articles! Today, it is your duty to VOTE and help determine which Week 5 item will earn its creator some boosters.

    Click here to VOTE! (You must register on the GG Forum to vote, of course.)

    Here are the five items you’ll be voting on:

  • Life after Yawgmoth

    The events of the year 4205, commonly – if dramatically – referred to as ‘The Apocalypse’, left a lot of unresolved problems for Dominaria as a whole to deal with. Now, ten years later, the Good Gamery news team has set out to find the answer to one question nobody seems to want to ask: What happened to all the artifacts?

    “Just look at this thing,” sighs Saldrath, the celebrated artificer and optician known for his work restoring the Glasses of Urza. He sits back hopelessly in his chair and hands us a Phyrexian Lens. Sure enough, only a murky darkness is visible through the innocuous glass eyepiece. “It can’t have always been like this,” Sadrath grumbles. “Otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to see, right?”

    The optometrical tragedy is not an isolated incident. Historical relics and household conveniences alike bearing the mark of the Father of Machines have ceased to function ever since his destruction ten years ago. Junior research assistants walking through Phyrexian Portals have gone missing. Phyrexian Processors produce 0/0 specimens, which are put in their owner’s graveyards as a state-based action. Phyrexian Vaults refuse to lock their doors.

    Although these malfunctions may seem trivial compared to the large-scale ecological changes that have occured across Dominaria in the past decade, some experts are concerned about their lasting impact. Kabel, Tolarian archivist, tells us: “the fact is, we don’t know if society can function without Phyrexian power. Obviously we can do without the Phyrexian War Beasts and such, but what about Phyrexian Dishwashers? Phyrexian AC Converters? Phyrexian Change Sorters? No-one likes to admit it, but our economy is heavily reliant on Phyrexian manufacturing.”

    Certainly big talk, but for one Kjeldoran patrolman, the effects of the crisis have a more immediate form. Thangbrand Gyrdsson stands kneedeep in snow outside his newly-built home, futilely adjusting dials on his Phyrexian Snowcrusher. “Every winter, we go through this,” Thangbrand seethes, sticking his head into one of the many dormant chimneys on the juggernaut’s surface. “Give me the Invasion any day!”

  • Would You Like to Play a Game of Magic: the Gathering?

    Hello, would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down. You know, I’ve been trying to get a game going all day, but these people have just been awful. You seem cool, though. I think we’re going to have a good game.

    Oh, what’s that deck you have there? I saw an Island. Merfolk, huh? It doesn’t have any counterspells in it, does it? I hate counterspells. They’re just no fun to play against. Getting your spell countered is just the worst, you know? Would you mind playing with a different deck? Yeah, thanks.

    Wait, did I spot a Wasteland just now while you were shuffling? What are you running that card for? We’re playing casual here. This isn’t like some Legacy tournament. I mean, sure, Wasteland’s a good card, but landkill is just lame outside tournaments. Magic‘s more fun when everybody gets to play their spells. You agree, don’t you? Of course you do. Oh, good, you’re switching decks again.

    So now what’ve you got there? Mono-black, huh? Cool. You can go first. Wait, Duress? Didn’t I say no discard? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it. I hate discard. Losing your spells before you even get to cast them is terrible. No, no, don’t worry about it. Just draw another card to replace it. My turn? Great. Okay, Tundra, Mana Crypt, Sol Ring, Time Walk. What are you looking at me like that for? You’ve played this game before, right? Sometimes you just draw the nuts. My turn again. Island, Black Lotus. No, wait, watch this. Tap everything and cast Stasis and Kismet. No, no, wait! Cast Tinker, sacrifice the Crypt, and get Eon Hub! Isn’t that insane? You’re locked out for the rest of the game, on turn 2!

    Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? The game’s not even close to over yet! I thought you were cool. I thought we could just play a fun casual game. What are you, a flake? Oh, yeah? Why don’t you come over here and say that? You take that back! My mother is a saint! Go to hell! Yeah, keep walking! God, why is everyone who plays this game such a dick? No one wants to play a simple casual game. Fucking asshole.

    Oh, hello. Would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down.

  • Garruk’s Companion

    Alright, let me set this straight: I am not Garruk’s “companion”. So please, stop calling me that. I am tired of people calling me that with an amused smile on their lips like they want to imply something. Yeah, yeah, I am well aware that a man – planeswalker or no – who spends all of his time in the woods still has “guy needs”, but I’m telling you, I don’t have anything to do with that. That’s not the way I roll.

    So yeah, like your mother and sister said, I’m a beast. As a beast, I can do lots of things for you on the battlefield. So, play with me. I mean, CAST me, goddammit. Not play PLAY, you know? *Sigh*. You are all perverts. Just… just have me enter the battlefield, alright? On turn two seems fine, but any other turn is good also if you’re afraid of Mana Leak or something. Hey, I can gladly run over some puny dudes for you, if that’s what you want… Wait. That’s not what I mean! Well, actually it is, but your sick little mind is twisting my words! I mean to say that I have Trample, nothing more!! I don’t… repeatedly… with my antlers…By Emeria, no!! My antlers are brown just like tree bark is brown, and there’s no other reason to it! What the hell is wrong with you people!?

    (Garruk’s Companion *snicker* has left the building.)

    Garruk Wildspeaker could not be reached for comment as he was allegedly “hunting” on Lorwyn at the time.