Author: basilisk

  • Elspeth Photograph Controversy

    BANT – Alara’s feminists are outraged at Planeswalker Magazine for magically touching up a cover shot of Elspeth in its latest issue.

    “It’s just ridiculous,” said one Village Elder. “Everyone knows Elspeth has a mole on her face but they think they can just Alter Reality without anyone noticing.”

    An unaltered image of Elspeth, taken while she was out on a date with her boyfriend, Tezzeret.

    This isn’t the first time Planeswalker has been scorned for “touching up” an image. Longtime readers remember when the magazine hired Tomoya the Revealer for a peek through Nissa Revane’s shirt. More recently, Fortune Thief excoriated the magazine for giving her new proportions, though she refused to say whether they were mythic or epic.

    “All of this focus on looking perfect sends a terrible message to Alara’s young women,” says Jhessian Lookout, a cultural watchdog. “The pressure on them is so intense, it’s no wonder anorexia rates are the highest they’ve ever been. Women are more than just objects to be tapped and untapped but more and more of them are Goblin War Painting their Faces of the Past profile pictures to make themselves skinnier.”

    The cover is reproduced below; does it go too far?

  • Dominion: Alchemy Spoiler

    Dominion: Alchemy is the latest medieval-science themed expansion for Donald X. Vaccarino’s award-winning card game, Dominion. It consists of 12 new kingdom cards and a new type of treasure, Potions.

    After you look at the cards, you should also check out this excellent preview article about the set, written by the game designer himself.

    Hover your mouse over the cards to see their full size.

    Potion
    Transmute
    Vineyard
    Apothecary
    Herbalist


    Scrying Pool
    University
    Alchemist
    Familiar
    Philosopher's Stone


    Golem
    Apprentice
    Possession


    You can also look at a larger visual spoiler and a full text spoiler:
    Dominion: Alchemy Visual Spoiler
    Dominion: Alchemy Text Spoiler

  • Magic 2011: Back to Basics

    One of the most important aspects of the core set is its flavor. The core set is, a lot of the time, the first thing a new magic player sees; We need each and every card to convey the essence of a fantasy card game. Now, flavour often goes hand in hand with simplicity – A Runeclaw Bear’s text box communicates the message that the card represents a magic bear, and all the coolness of this fact, without saying anything mechanically. However, sometimes the opposite is true; The mechanics make the flavour.

    Back when Alpha was released, Magic’s primary audience was amongst the Dungeons and Dragons community. This meant we had to present spells in the sense that tabletop gamers were used to them. When they summoned a Hydra, they expected it to regrow a few heads. Since then, Magic has become streamlined and simplified, with its own set of mechanical standards, but the simple appeal of regrowing heads still holds a powerful sway with both new and old contingents of the Magic fanbase. This is the mood we tried to recapture by reprinting Stone Giant in Magic 2010, and the huge success of that card has inspired us to develop the theme further in Magic 2011.

    Sometimes, having a rigid, logical system of templating greatly simplifies a card – Fog has vastly improved between Alpha and today. However, in other cases, the need for unambiguity creates more confusion than there would otherwise had been, as evidenced by lengthy and technical text boxes on simple cards like Drudge Skeletons. Our first attempt to break away from this trend was with the Zendikar card Obsidian Fireheart, whose nonstandard reminder text proved universally popular and answered more questions than it raised. Clearly, the power of immediately graspable flavour has been underestimated for too long.

    So what does all this actually mean for M11? It means that we are able to print or reprint the kind of fun cards we have always wanted to in the core set but, until now, have been prevented by their overly complicated rules text. If we had told you a year ago that this classic card was returning, would you have believed us?

    With a card like Raging River, it’s best to let the players themselves work out the technical details, and not have to cover all possible eventualities in the rules text. It may look daunting, but in our playtesting with Raging River it was always immediately obvious how the board was affected.

    Although a card like Raging River doesn’t need reminder text, Obsidian Fireheart has shown us that ‘Alpha-style’ reminder text can be an extremely powerful educational tool for new players. Rather than convey obvious information like ‘damage causes loss of life’, it is best used to tell players things they couldn’t learn by simply asking their opponent. Consider this once-banned Alpha favourite:

    As well as allowing us to return the card to its original functionality, Dingus Egg’s reminder text allows us to give an important message to new players: Take care of your cards and they’ll take care of you.

    At times, it is not so easy to accommodate the intentions of old cards. There are cases where the original mechanics just don’t fit into the modern rules. However, at the request of ‘evil’ rules manager Mark Gottlieb, we have been able to bend both the comprehensive and tournament rules to allow some very special examples whose return we are all very excited to see. In case you don’t know what we’re talking about, here’s a little peek:

    You can find information about the legal requirements and responsibilities of Designated Flipping Assistants on the Tips & Tricks inserts in M11 boosters.

    Now, three preview cards is really all we’re supposed to show you until the official preview season starts, but there is one more thing we think you should know about M11. There is one particular example of our new approach to flavour and templating that we are all very proud of. There is one card in M11 that has an aura of excitement about it unmatched by any other. This is that card.

    In an unrelated announcement, all DCI judges have resigned.

  • Get Out of My Way, Bitches

    Even to a pig like me, it’s clear Zendikar is goin’ to slop. The oceans have leaped up and swallowed my old thickets, and monsters as big as the tallest trees — bigger, even — are all stompin’ around. They wave their hands and whole mountains get blasted. Little slimy baby monster guys are crawlin’ up all over. I hear one of these guys can’t be killed, not by nothin’. I hear one of ’em is like a floating island travelin’ in time and you can’t even touch him. The more I size up these crazy aliens or whatever the hoozitz they are, the more I know the one I think this pig gotta say to each and every one of ’em.

    Get out of my way, bitches.

    Y’all have had your fun, but this here is big-tusk Johnny, and y’all better recognize. I ain’t just passin’ through, I’m PASSIN’ THROUGH — and any you tubey-headed interlopers even TRY to get all up in my business whislt I’m getting all up in whatever business I’m choosin’ to get up in — and no, I will not tell you what it is, because it is my business — well, try that, and you’re gettin’ yourself a face full’a my FACE.

    Let big-tusk Johnny tell you, you think you know annihilation? You don’t know annihilation. We’re talking tusks of above-average size — like BLADES, motherfucker, like BLADES — and I know that’s not something you can handle. So. Step. Back.

    That’s right, the-pig man is comin’ through, and y’all better get clear — or levitate or scuttle or whatever you gray-faced sops do in whatever po-dunk hole you come from. No I don’t give half a whack. You don’t know me! Don’t talk to me like you know me!

    You even look at me funny, you’re gonna find out why all your spawn got snouts and cloven hooves. You best bring me some room service to my Awakening Zone. Looks like Big Daddy Pig here’s gonna have a Growth Spasm.

    Hey Emrakul, I porked your mom! And after I cast her, I took an extra turn!

    You think I ain’t seen an 11/11 before or whatever the fuck? Elzdrazi, please. You punks were suckin’ your thumbs in your hedrons when I was pullin’ Lorthos out of Ula’s temple, taking his lunch mana, tentacle smacking his big blue face, making him tap himself in front of his buddies and letting him off with a warning. All you giant tentacle monsters are the same — back-tapping, down-low, legendary mulligan punks.

    The only reason you’re even an inconvenience to me is because ripping on you gives me something to do between farts.

    Now, get out of my way bitches. There’s a real pig coming through, and he’s bashing for three while you’re wetting your 8-mana underpants or whatever the fuck.

    Oh, sorry there Mr. Magmaw, didn’t see you. Yeah, no, I’m fine. Just staying over here. Lovely weather we’re having. Yeah, you too. Thanks, I will. Much obliged.

    (This article is a follow-up to Primordial Evil Scared of Pig with Teeth)

  • Primordial Evil Scared of Pig with Teeth

    ZENDIKAR—Emrakul, the Aeons Torn, a legendary evil from the Blind Eternities that blasts holes in space-time with its mind, floated gingerly aside this afternoon to allow a pig with teeth to pass. According to reports, the mountain-sized floating tentacle monster then watched on helplessly as the pig mauled its master, one Kevin Wickles Planeswalker, age 11, of Oak Grove Rhode Island. Kevin was hospitalized with significant injuries to his face, which are expected to never fully heal.

    Onlookers described the pig alternately as “kind of scary,” “enthusiastic,” “red,” “about this big or so,” “awfully silly looking,” and “between a 3.0 and a 3.5 in limited.” Passers-by indicated an unwillingness to deal with the pig, which has continued to romp unimpeded through Kazuul, Turntimber and a series of gated residential communities.

    “I ain’t touching that thing,” said local filler Guardian Zendikon. “Have you seen the size of the teeth on it? They must be 11 or 12 inches long! I may be 10 feet tall. I may be 200 feet tall. Without a guy walking next to me or some birds, it’s hard to tell sometimes, even when I’m all faded and in the distance. But I still ain’t blocking a pig with teeth.”

    “And it makes the crazy eyes at you!” added the defender. “The Crazy Eyes!”

    “Emrakul has shown some emotional imbalance in the past,” said notable Eldrazi psychologist Sarkhan the $70-an-Hour. “He seemed to take the scorn from that aether-lich pretty hard. He has shown an irrational fear of Zulaport or some of the black surrakar neighborhoods that I had previously attributed to racism. And he speaks mysteriously about dreams of being unable to stop something called ‘The Seeker.’

    Emrakul’s opinion on the matter has been difficult to discern. So far, none of Zendikar’s hard-working multiethnic press corps has been able to get close enough to score an interview.

    “The thing about this ‘pig with teeth’ phenomenon that astounds me the most,” said Theodore Silk, a PhD biologist at The Oran-Rief University, “Is that there is nothing unusual about this red pig. You see, laymen may not think this on a day-to-day basis, but all pigs have teeth. Tusks are just big teeth. All tusks are similar to blades in one way or another. And Emrakul has shown little hesitance annihilating as many as six fireboars at once.”

    Added Silk, “And those pigs are on fire! All the time!”

    “In this post-Eldrazi world, it makes sense for even the largest and most fearsome among us to treat even small threats seriously,” said Department of Homeland Security Secretary Havington Schnatz. “But Emrakul could never have terror target status.”

    “I think he’s just intimidated,” said a local mindsculptor who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “You know what they say about pigs with big tusks. All those tentacles must be compensating for something.”

  • New Forums Unveiled

    After a couple weeks of planning, and a long night hacking PHP files and MySQL Databases, the forums team at Good Gamery have now unveiled our new forums at http://forums.goodgamery.com/.

    To use your old account, please log into http://lol.goodgamery.com/ and check your PM inbox for your password.

    After you login, you’ll need to go to your control panel and fill out your email address and change your password.

    Here’s what you get for registering:

    • No more Evony ads
    • Working search
    • All the old posts and threads are still there
    • Everything looks familiar, yet different