Author: basilisk

  • Disappointing Turnout For March Of The Returned

    March of the Returned

    ASPHODEL — A planned demonstration against the recent increase in exploitation of zombies was branded “a shambles” this morning after only two demonstrators turned up to take part.

    The pair of masked protesters both stayed for forty-five minutes to wave placards, shouting “What do we want?” and “Who are we?”, but were described by onlookers as lifeless and lacking in spirit.

    “It was completely dead,” said Asphodel resident Gary. “I’ve got more devotion than either of them, and I’m nowhere near as active as I used to be.”

    Speaking off the record, leading black mage Timmy* said, “If they wanted more zombies, they should have come to me – I could have emptied the pits for them. Although that would only have provided token support.”

    Gary added, “This was a missed opportunity. At this rate, by September, everyone will have forgotten about Theros entirely.”

    *Name has been changed.

  • Phyrexian Climate Summit, “More Oil!”

    The Progress Engine Convention Center, New Phyrexia – Yesterday Phyrexian leaders gathered again for a third straight day of climate talks. This year marks the eighth annual Climate Summit, a time for the leaders of the Phyrexian community to discuss the environmental issues that threaten them all. As it was the previous seven years, the question on everyone’s minds was “How can we spread more oil?”

    The summit began with the five praetors posing for photos in the Panopticon around the near-comatose body of Karn. Tensions were briefly raised when Urabrask accidentally brushed against Sheoldred’s breast, but Karn’s whimpering pleas for release quickly lightened the mood.

    Delegates from all sections of New Phyrexia have arrived to make their voices heard. The air is electric, with swarms of flying flesh robot alien things filling the skies and maybe-a-human clerics and wizards trading information and ideas on the Convention Center floor. I spoke with a nameless, faceless horror who was attending with its grassroots organization New Phyrexians for a New Phyrexia, “Its such a positive experience to be here with all these hard working… robots? Zombies?” A broodmother of thousands, and recent nursing school graduate, the abomination still finds time for community engagement, a running theme this year. “Of course we all want more oil. But there are so many approaches we could take to meeting that goal. Everyone says that the plane is going down the tubes but then you come to a place like this and, well, its just goes to show that civil discourse and small-town values are still the heart of New Phyrexia. I’m excited to see what the convention brings.”

    The attendees are as diverse in their goals as they are in monstrous body-types. Just a sampling of some of the issues on the table are: hitting nine poison counters by 2030, unbanning Blazing Shoal, rying to find a use for Mycosynth Fiend, and what’s the deal with Snake Cult Initiation? Veteran climate champion Phyrexian Rager noted the role that paying life was playing this year, “Back in 2001 with Gix, the only thing you could spend life on was drawing a card. One card! And you didn’t even have a choice. You tell these kids that and its unthinkable. They spend life on panthers and counter magic. You ask these people who Gerrard is and they don’t even know. He’s kind of a big deal.”

    The Praetors themselves are removed from the main frenzy, having private talks deep in the fleshvats of the Convention Center. I was briefly able to speak to Vorinclex’s chief aid Glissa the Traitor, “Our goal is to increase oil emissions 10% by 2021, but what this conference is really about is our children. What values do we instill in them? So much of our society is focused around consumption we often forget to propagate or let the strongest emerge as dominant. Democracy is messy. That’s why we have oligarchs.”

    Of course not everyone is feeling the community spirit. A small group of leonin and humans gathered outside the Panopticon doors this morning carrying a giant paper mache puppet of a morbidly obese Elesh Norn smoking a cigar as well as carrying signs reading “Free Karn” and “Sunburst power is the only way.” Slowly, as a group they began chanting, “Your complaetion’s made you blind, its not too late to change your mind!” Though the group itself was absent from the Convention, I found its elected representative Jor Kadeen slumped in a hallway, eating a Cup-of-Noodles, “Our demand is the same as it is every year. Reprint Leeches. Then we can start a dialogue.”

    Φ

  • Did It Have To Be Dragons, Ask Tarkirians

    dragonsoftarkir

    Tarkir residents said today that while they appreciate Sarkhan Vol going back in time to retrieve a race of creatures that had been missing from their world, they aren’t certain that dragons were the best choice.

    “Is he mad?” asked Temur representative Kurrash The Ferocious. “I know he meant well but these things have been nothing but trouble. The skies are full of the things, flying around breathing fire, ice, poison, you name it. I was happier when it was just that one lammasu.”

    “It’s true that we used to revere dragons, yes. But that was when they’d been dead for a thousand years. Some people in other worlds revere Mahatma Gandhi, I’m told, but they wouldn’t necessarily want him moving in next door, or taking to the skies to rain fiery destruction on the bivouacs of ordinary people.”

    Abzan’s Fazenaza The Brooding agreed. “I don’t see why the lack of dragons on Tarkir was such a big deal, personally. Why couldn’t that awful man have brought back some elves instead, or kithkin? Or how about metathrans? We haven’t heard much about them for a while, so they would have been a good way to bolster the population.”

    “Yeah that’s right, bolster,” she continued. “It’s a perfectly good word that is in common usage. It certainly doesn’t sound clunky to me.”

    Vol himself was unrepentant. “My focus groups have told me time and again that dragons are the most popular type of creature bar none,” he said. “Anyway, the threat to ordinary Tarkirians has been overstated. Many of these new ones are overcosted Timmy-bait that will never see constructed play.”

  • Which Iconic Magic Character are You?

    Which Iconic Magic Character are You?

    • What is your ideal Friday night?

    • Pulling off a daring heist

    • A few friends and a roaring bonfire

    • Reorganizing my library

    • Maybe I’d go out running around, but realistically having a nice sleep.

    • Destroying my enemies!

    • What do you look for in a romantic partner?

    • A partner in crime

    • Someone who isn’t afraid to get burned

    • Someone willing to give me lots of space for my work

    • Someone who doesn’t mind getting hair all over her clothes

    • He should be good at digging graves – maybe even his own!

    • How would your friends describe you?

    • A lot of fun, but keep your artifacts away from him!

    • A little sexy, a lttle crazy, a lttle constantly setting us on fire.

    • A bit of a workaholic.

    • Loyal to a fault, but when vengeful, watch out!

    • Friends?

    • Describe your bedroom.

    • There’s so much pilfered loot I hardly have a place to sleep!

    • A bit of a maze, really.

    • Filled with old scrolls and books. Some say it’s messy, but I have a system!

    • Tidy, with a well-used scratching post

    • Filled with candles, occult tomes, and the screams of the damned

    • You find yourself summoned to a battlefield. What do you do?

    • Loot, baby, loot.

    • Find something vulnerable and light it up.

    • Hang back, and pitch in where needed.

    • Find something important on the enemy side and keep it occupied for as long as I can.

    • Enjoy myself immensely.

    • Your result is:


  • Fizzwand’s Bazaar of Wonders

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    O mighty and powerful wizard! Welcome, wandering one, to Fizzwand’s bazaar of wonders! Can I interest you in purchasing one of my spells befitting a planeswalking soul like yourself?

    I have a wide assortment of spells of all varieties, from this realm’s ferocious creatures, to the latest advances in arcane sorcelation, to artifacts forged in the hottest of Rath’s ferocious furnaces! From abbey gargoyles to Zuran spellcasters, Fizzwand has it all!


    Perhaps you wish to create a bolt of ferocious lightning? All for mere two gold pieces! A bargain, for its legendary might!


    Or perhaps you desire a time-share on one of Zendikar’s majestic islands? Surely a majestic spellcaster like yourself occasionally finds themselves pining for the fjords. My connections can get you access to this realm for the low price of a single gold piece. You’d have to be madder than Hekjek the Mad to pass on this crazy deal!


    Oh, but I see you’re looking at the property built on Dominaria’s mysterious underground sea. Hate to say it, but there’s no way it’s in your price range. That area’s in very high demand right now. But I’ll cut you a deal. The timeshare is normally 180 gold pieces, but I can hook you up with a property located in a nearby underwater graveyard operated by some folks who say they’re from Ravinia or something. The neighborhood isn’t so bad, you can commute, and it’s a steal at just 9 gold pieces. What do you say? This shocking deal won’t last a lifetime, you know!


    You have a boat and want to rent a port to sail out from? What do you think this is, a charity?


    I see you’re looking at the incantation allowing its caster to preordain the future. You have a good eye, sir or madam! I should warn you – that spell is subtle, but its might is so great that it’s illegal in several jurisdictions. Highly recommended for all spellbooks.


    Ah, but you’ve noticed the diamond inset with the eye of a lion! This is truly a wonderful treasure. It can be yours for a mere 75 gold pieces. It has made the wise go mad, the mad go insane, and the insane hellbent.


    The seal of a legendary general from the Three Kingdoms? Ah, that’s one of my rarer possessions. I won’t part with it for fewer than 700 gold pieces. These aren’t easy to come by, you know! If you truly want this spell’s power, I can recommend a vampire who can teach you a similar charm for just 20 gold pieces. A pittance, really.


    But what’s that? I see a gleam in your eyes. You wish to know the cost of the spell to summon a mighty, ever-vigilant angel, one of Serra’s own, one of the most renowned warriors in the land? You can just take it, it’s bulk.

    Good luck winning duels with that pathetic spell.


    Fizzwand’s prices are current as of August 2013. Fizzwand reserves the right to change his prices without notice.



  • Microsoft Acquires Magic: the Gathering Brand, Announces Magic 8

    REDMOND, Washington – Jul. 25, 2012 – Microsoft Corp. today announced their acquisition of the publishing rights to the trading card game Magic: the Gathering from Renton-based Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro Corp. “It seemed like a natural fit,” said Don Mattrick, president of the interactive entertainment business at Microsoft. “We’re in your living room with Xbox, in your tabletop with Surface, and now, with Magic 8, we can be on your tabletop, too.”

    Starting with Magic 8, the new Metro card layout will replace the Modern card frame. The design follows the other products in the Microsoft tablet-top experience. “We’ve designed Magic 8 to give you instant access to your stats, your abilities, and the information you care about so you can spend less time searching the card and more time doing what you actually want to do. We’ve made rules text a first-class citizen. Playing with the cards is fast and fluid, with updates to card text happening in real time,” Mattrick said.

    Magic 8 represents a reimagining of Magic from the cardboard to the experience,” said Tina Gaffney, a spokesperson for the Magic 8 team. “The Magic 8 designers have had a ball making it. Will the players have a ball playing it? All signs point to yes. But don’t worry – we’re not neglecting our online players. Magic Online and Duels of the Planeswalkers for Xbox will support a fully-integrated experience with Magic 8. And we’re planning some backend improvements to Duels of the Planeswalkers for Playstation and Steam that should bring those players’ experiences much closer to playing Magic Online today.”

    The Magic 8 Consumer Preview is set to release in September, with a full release planned in December. With Microsoft Surface integration for each card, the MSRP of a Magic 8 booster pack is expected to be $69.99 – well under the price point for Apple’s recently-announced iMajica trading card game offering. The Good Gamery staff are thrilled at the news and will continue to report on new developments as they flow out of Redmond.

  • Zealous Mic-Night

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