Author: paz

  • Chinese Counterfeits Force US Treasury to Revise Bills

    The recent stream of extremely well forged dollar bills flooding all markets has forced the United States Treasury to take action. On January 16th, a new bill design was presented to representatives of the press.

    “All dollar bills have been given a copyright notice that really stands out to the viewer,” a spokesperson stated. “The darn Chinese counterfeiters won’t be able to miss it!”

    You’ll also notice a little silver oval in the bottom center of the portrait of old Franklin. That’s a new unique holofoil stamp that the US Treasury will be applying to all rare and mythic rare bills going forward.

    “This stamp makes those bills feel more special, as well as guarantees authenticity,” the spokesperson said. “Certainly the Chinese can’t create holographic stickers and insert them into cardboard.”

    dollar_big

    measures to the bills does not come without new costs, however. To finance the increasing costs for printing these bills with added security measures, printing operations have been outsourced to a large company in the Tianjin province (天津市), China.





  • Thousands Brace for Coming Hypocrisy

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.




    Around the world, Magic Online players are steeling themselves for an upcoming surge in hypocrisy coinciding with the Theros prerelease, feared to be the worst in recorded history.

    During this time, opinionated players will flood all available outlets with complaints about the pricing of these prerelease events, often as they are signed up for or participating in those same tournaments.

    “Ultimately, I am totally powerless to control myself and must ask a governing body to exercise restraint in my stead,” said a player only willing to be identified by his account handle, GlissaFunseeker.

    GlissaFunseeker can often be found in the Limited Events chat room between his matches offering startlingly poor business advice. While often threatening to quit the game, the player insists this sham is the final straw.

    “For years, I had considered [them] to be different from other businesses, in that it was designed to satisfy my every whim,” the player continued. “Now, I realize it’s only out to make a profit like every other rotten company.”

    A representative from Wizards of the Coast was contacted for this story who declined to be interviewed, but did provide an e-mailed statement as a reply.

    “We would not take advantage of our consumer base in this fashion, unless it was profitable. However, while Wizards of the Coast is happy to charge its customers more for an inferior service, we do advise everyone take extra care so as not to destroy their glass houses,” reads the statement.

    Those trying to escape the dread tide of stupidity are taking drastic measures to prepare.

    “I’ve already placed cardboard over parts of my screen so I will only be able to see the in-game interface,” said another player indentified as TwerkinthePlanes. “I also have infected most Magic discussion boards with malware to make them unavailable for commenting.”



  • TCGPlayer.com Previews Battlewise Hoplite

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.





  • Weapons of the Gods, or Godly Mistakes?

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Kalimera, Good Gamerers! Through skullduggery and gumption, our friend Jethro has managed to sneak a peak at 5 new cards from the upcoming set, “Theros!” Don’t be Hellenvious; he’s sharing the information with us all, via perfectly-crafted, grammar-impeccable MSE proxies.














  • Bird in the Foreground

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.

  • Wizards Announces TimeShifted® Card for Theros

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    That’s right: Daybreak Coronet. A Wizards spokesperson explains:

    We know how much players love Bant hexproof, and we don’t want the deck to die in standard just because Invisible Stalker is rotating out. So we’re printing some broken auras and beloved cards to really bolster the deck (e.g., Armadillo Cloak and Gladecover Scout). Keep an eye out for some sweet new hexproof cards in Theros, too! :wink:

    Obviously the flavor of this card is a perfect fit with Greek fairy tales.

    If I can talk briefly about our most popular format: Modern! Reprinting this lets Modern hexproof players aquire a playset with ease, lowering the barrier to entry significantly. Nothing pleases me more than imagining modern GP’s next season filled with bright-eyed young players fielding Bant Hexproof. Eagle-eyed players will spot how this card points towards an aura sub-theme in Theros. Well, I can officially tell you such sub theme does not exist, this card was printed entirely as a constructed hole-filler and is useless in Limited. Enjoy Theros!




    Meanwhile, in a parallel universe…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    Surprising no one, it’s Nimbus Maze! Wizards Says:

    Innovation is expensive. Thus, when it’s time to design a new cycle of dual lands, the first thing we do is find the quickest, easiest solution. Sometimes, that’s just an enemy color version of previously allied-color lands (a la Innistrad). Other times, we look to the Future Sight lands and try to find a fit. To be honest, 80% of the reason we’re doing a Greek fairy tale set is so we could reprint these.

    We also love how well these combo with Guildgates.




    Concurrently, in an alternate dimension…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    Well, color us intrigued! Let’s see what Wizards has to say:

    Market research shows that this was one of the most popular cards in all of Future Sight, and indeed in Magic from all time. For that reason, we’ve made a cycle of these things for Theros. Try and guess what the other colors do! (Hint: The green one’s “Hexproof.”)

    There was concern from the creative department that this didn’t fit the tone of Theros; we solved this by making absolutely 100% sure that the red guys on Theros like attacking things. Phew!




    Elsewhere in the multiverse…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    Wizards writes:

    With Witchbane Orb rotating out and the enchantment theme in Theros, we already had this card in mind. But when marketing revealed their brilliant plan to replace Standard next season with Team Hydra Fighting, this went right into the file and stayed there.


    We also knew it would be great for Commander, and love how well it interacts with Populate. [EDIT: The employee who said this has since been fed alive to The Bees.]




    Meanwhile, in a totally different totality…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    How this complies with the New World Order, we’re not quite sure. Luckily, Wizards explain everything:

    A huge part of “enchantments matter” is creating enchantments that matter. The matter of these enchantments matters because the more an enchantment enchants is directly correlated to how much its matter matters. The enchantment of an enchantment aura is how much its enchanting matter enchanting matters to the game’s matter; this blue matter matters more than most blue matter because it’s enchantment removal. (Not enchantment removal but enchantment removal, see?)




    In another layer of reality altogether…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    Rosewater says:

    We asked our in house judges what the interaction was between this card and Opalescence. They immediately fell into a stupor, so we took that as a licence to print as many enchantment creatures as took our fancy. There was concern from development that a 3/3 flyer for 5 wasn’t powerful enough to compare with modern creatures, so we gave white 4 extra Mythic Rares to compensate. Thank goodness we were able to go back in time to reverse-engineer the flavor text!




    Simultaneously, in a non-comparable temporal frame of reference…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    A Wizards spokesperson was on hand with this to say:

    If you have any doubt that this card makes sense with Greek fairy tales, just rewatch the Disney film Hercules. Hell, that’s all the research we did. We have, however, had to make an adjustment to the art, as well as changes to the mana cost, watermark, flavor text, name, type line and text.




    Meanwhile, in the darkest of all timelines…




    Wizards of the Coast has announced a TimeShifted® card, originally from Future Sight, that will be printed in Theros!




    We were shocked at this one — still, it is an enchantment. Let’s see what Wizards said in the announcement:

    With Snapcaster Mage rotating, we wanted a new tool that did exactly the same thing for control decks. We knew we wanted it to be an enchantment, and that’s when Mark Rosewater brought up the idea of Spellweaver Volute. Turns out Mark had long wanted to put “enchanting things in graveyards” into Magic, and had used Future Sight to soften everyone up to the concept.

    We also recognized the backlash against the New World Order, so this card and the rest of its cycle are to appease players who want more complexity in their game. Still, we couldn’t just let Theros be the most complex set ever, so we’ve also included extra vanilla cards, including, for the first time, vanilla Instants and Sorceries.



    Well, that announcement has certainly whet our appetites for Theros!



  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part One’

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus, Part One




    I came to on the floor of my office with a crushing headache and a few empty bottles of Blessed Wine scattered around me. I grunted. Guess I’d had a good night.

    I hoisted myself up off the floor and surveyed the damage. Black leather couch, frumpled exactly as it had been when I knocked off early yesterday afternoon. Only three empty bottles, and I can put two and a half away by myself, no problem. Desk was in order, other than an empty, crumpled-up Baloth Burger bag. The glamorous life of a private eye.

    I mentally revised my assessment of the previous evening. Didn’t want to admit it, but the evidence was clear: I’d spent another night alone, drinking with my cat. For his part, Hans was curled up, asleep on the windowsill, providing the best kind of companionship you can ask for when you’ve got a hangover – the quiet kind.

    I picked up the bottles and threw them into the bin, and I was heading into the back to get some coffee brewing when I heard the click of heels outside my door. Damnation. I doubted I was in any shape to be meeting with prospective clients. Which was a problem, because money was starting to get tight. I’d done pretty well for myself with my last case, but the cash from the Modern Masters was drying up, and I needed some work. I wouldn’t say I was desperate, but that’s only because “desperate” doesn’t sound so hot, does it?

    I spun around and hastily smoothed my robes as I headed back into my office to do my best to pretend that two minutes ago I hadn’t been drooling on the floor. It was a dame, and she was red. Could tell from the heels, and from the wisps of smoke and the singed area spreading over the top of my door frame. Always gives it away.

    She rapped impatiently on the door as I sat down at my desk. That might sound strange, but you have to remember: red dames do everything impatiently. I tossed the Baloth Burger bag in the bin with the bottles, and caught a whiff of something funky. Guess I hadn’t finished dinner. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice. I sat back in my chair and steepled my fingers. I might be hung over, but at least I could look the part of “dark wizard.” Planeswalkers tended to appreciate theatrics. Not content to knock a second time, she jerked the door open and barged right in.

    She was a vision, the kind of dame you knew would use you up and throw you away without a second thought and still leave you happy to have had the privilege. She wore red leather thigh-high boots, a flowing skirt with a split down the front that I very much appreciated for the view it allowed, tight leather armor covering her torso, and goggles as an accessory on the top of her head. And her hair was fire. Not on fire, mind you. Actual fire. Yeah, she was trouble, just the kind of trouble I liked. And she was no stranger to me, either.

    “Chandra Nalaar. Last time I saw you, my employer took a Lava Axe to the face.” She smirked, then plopped down on my couch and crossed her legs. Ever the professional, I remained very attentive.

    “You have to be careful when you play with fire, or you’ll get burned.” Of course she’d say that. Red dames always say that. “You look like hell, Bob. Rough night?” Her eyes told me she’d already guessed how my night had gone.

    “Something like that.” I pulled a pack of Psychic Strikes out of my desk drawer, took one out, lit it with a spell, and took a drag. Ahhh. People are surprised to discover the Dimir know good tobacco. They shouldn’t be; the Dimir know everything else. I offered the pack to Chandra.

    “I’d love to smoke,” she said. Red dames always say that, too. I tossed her the pack and she took the last cig, put it between her lips, hesitated.

    “Need a light?” Her mouth quirked, and she took a drag on the unlit cigarette. A third of it turned immediately to ash, and the smoke she exhaled came out in the form of a dragon. One of a red dame’s top five favorite things is to be asked that question. Another is showing off. I’d probably made her morning.

    She tossed the empty pack into the bin with the burger bag and bottles, and I grimaced as I caught another whiff of that smell. Was it getting stronger? Wish I’d had more time to clean up. Chandra hadn’t seemed to notice, though. I leaned back in my chair. “So, what can I do for you? Don’t figure you came all the way out here to bum a smoke and make the place hotter.”

    “Are you familiar with M-Fourteen?” I was. It was a new marketing initiative from the Wizards of the Coast. They’d hired her to be the face of the product. I’d seen her on posters all over the place. I told her as much. I didn’t mention that the general consensus was that “Chandra, the Pyromaster” hadn’t lived up to all the hype. I’m fond of my face, and I’d rather keep it. Plus, she probably already knew anyway.

    “Don’t play dumb with me, Bob. I’m sure you know about the… critical reception.”

    I nodded. “I’m not one to judge,” I said.

    “That’s healthy,” she said. “But it shouldn’t have happened this way. I was supposed to be the best thing since Jace, the Mind Sculptor.” With the face she made when she said his name, you’d have thought the cigarette in her mouth was Golgari zombie fungus. And to be fair, his name does taste pretty bad.

    “Mmm. What’s that got to do with me?” I asked.

    “I was supposed to have a fourth ability. A minus ability. It was there when I signed off on everything. But when I went back later to look over the files, it was gone. Someone STOLE it.” Her hair flared white-hot, charring a picture frame I had hanging on the wall above her. I’d never liked that one anyway.

    “So you want me to find it for you?” I asked.

    “No, I want you to find out who took it. I’ll deal with them myself.” No doubt, if it indeed had been stolen, whoever had taken it would meet a fiery conclusion.

    “Do you have any leads?” I asked.

    “As far as I know, the only people who should have had access were the Wizards of the Coast. I wouldn’t put it past Jace to find a way to meddle, either, but I can’t prove it.” She was clearly getting more irritated, so I decided to quit before I lost a piece of office furniture I actually cared about.

    “All right. Just remember, when I work for you, sometimes I turn up more than you bargained for. When that happens, things can get dicey.” A smile played across her lips, and she recrossed her legs. “A little danger just makes it more exciting; don’t you think, Bob?” I wasn’t actually thinking right at that moment.

    “You… know my rate?” I asked. She pointed at the plaque I keep on the wall behind my desk. Greatness. At any cost. I grinned at her. “That’s just my motto. My rate is one card per turn, plus expenses.”

    She stood up, and held out her hand. “Deal. I think I’ll enjoy working with you, Bob.” I took her hand, and we shook. At that moment I was very glad I’d had that blessed wine, because I’d forgotten my pants. Without pants, I’m pretty sure I needed the wine to resist that searing touch of hers.

    After she left, I made some coffee and sat down on the couch to think. Hans decided he’d had enough sun and came to join me, so I stroked him idly as I mused. The million-mana question was, who had something to gain from Chandra’s loss? Surely the Wizards of the Coast would’ve wanted her to live up to all the hype. It was easy to write off Chandra’s suspicion of Jace as groundless paranoia based in her intense hatred of him, but then again, the man was an arrogant prick. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to risk losing his spot as king of the roost, and had used illusions or mind control to turn one of the Wizards? Regardless, it was clear I needed to pay those Wizards a visit.

    I stood up, took the singed frame off the wall and tossed it into the bin with the bottles, the burger bag and the empty pack of cigarettes. The smell got even worse. I realized my mistake a split second before I saw the slavering tarmogoyf at the window, its beady eyes trained on me.

    “Ach,” I said. “Hans? Run!” I turned on my heel and headed for the door, but the tarmogoyf was on me before I’d made it more than four steps. It smashed through the window, caught me by the shoulder, spun me around, and slammed me to the floor. It closed its meaty hands around my windpipe, keeping me from speaking the words to a spell. The last thing I saw was a glob of spit falling toward my face. Everything went black.

    Will Bob survive his date with a ‘Goyf? What was Chandra’s missing ability? Did Hans escape to safety? Find out in Part 2 of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!




  • Theros Cards Leaked; Mechanics Spoiled

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    Our good friend and forum member PMega has stumbled upon even MORE secret card leaks, this time from the upcoming set “Theros”!

    We’re seeing that Theros’s new mechanics and cards are so new and revolutionary, Magic may never be the same again.












    Whoa! Even with the reminder text, we still have no idea what these things do! Thanks, PMega!



  • Pro MTG Online #254

    Pro MTG Online #254

  • Summer Contest Announcement! (Actual Prizers!)


    (Submitted material does not need to be about Theros.)