Author: slearch
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Build-a-Bear Games Workshop
The Empire of Man’s quartermasters know that the grim darkness of the 40th millennium can get awfully lonely, not to mention dangerous. That’s why our special unit lets you create a customized lovable little companion to provide friendship and suppressing fire when you need them most. In fact, we offer such a wide variety of potential combinations, that some find assembling the right one daunting. That’s why this guide is here to help you through each station.
Race
In addition to earth bears, several types of deadly predators from other worlds are available to base your cuddly warrior on. However, you should be aware that all non-bear choices are blasphemous, and will result in you being immediately handed over to the inquisition.
Heart
The first and most important step to creating your adorable homonculus is to write your true name and a rune of command on a heart, and sew it into its chest. This will serve to animate it and bind it to you. It will also help it remain steadfast and true when it is faced with the harsh realities of combat, and the even harsher unrealities of the warp.
Weapon
Your little familiar’s weapon is his most important tool, and must be selected with care. So be sure to carefully weigh the pros and cons of each before choosing between the machine gun with flamethrower mode and under-barrel energy chainsaw, and the energy chainsaw with side-mounted flamethrower and machine gun.
Armor
A suit of power armor is essential in ensuring that your fluffy friend retains its grotesque parody of life. It provides head-to-toe coverage, but provides special protection for the construct’s notoriously vulnerable shoulders. Shoulder armor defaults to Maximo Supreme but for a manageable surcharge can be upgraded to Uber Grande or even Ultra Platinum which is guaranteed to stop even the most devastating shoulder-seeking missiles.
Accessories
Once his armor is in place, you can choose to further adorn your bear buddy with packets of crosses, holy texts, and spikes. But what isn’t optional is decorating him with tiny ursine skulls. We recommend a belt of skulls, a medallion of skulls and liberal skull placement about the armor, but in case that’s not enough, we also offer a procedure to graft extra skulls to its skull.
Paint
Let’s be honest, you’re just gonna leave the little guy black or silver.
Message
Finally, you can record a custom battle cry for your fuzzy wingman to memorize and shout at his enemies. Or you can settle for a half-hearted prerecorded option such as “I’m pretty sure the Emperor will return, sooner or later” or “Cleanse all the heretics you can easily locate with fire.”
Sure, you could probably put this all together yourself cheaper without coming to us, but it just wouldn’t be the same…somehow.
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Point/Counterpoint: Magic Cards as an Investment
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Point
My Premium Jace, the Mind Sculptor Will Only Appreciate
Sure, it may have come with an exorbitant price tag, but it is certain to pay handsome dividends both by its direct utility and as an investment. In all probability, it will remain ubiquitous throughout its tenure in standard due to its irreplaceable functionality and incomparable performance.
Moreover, Jace, the Mind Sculptor should gain comparable traction in the modified extended format. This universal applicability combined with its excessive artificial privation, and the degradation of existing supplies could drive its value even higher.
Counterpoint
Nice Rainbow Wizard, Pussy
Lemme see what you got there, dork! Some kind of sparkly princess sticker? Oh, my bad, it’s like a baseball card of a guy in a dress.
Maybe when you grow up, you can be like this drag queen magician you love so much.
Aw he wants it back. Wait, it’s worth how much? I bet you had to beg your mommy to get you one for weeks. You’d sure be in trouble if something happened to it.
Aw, is the little baby gonna cry? Cheer up, I’m not so good at division, but each piece should still be worth about 20 bucks, right?
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Why Do These Things Always Happen to Me?
Brother, it has been one of those days. When I got up I realized I’d misplaced my blade of shadows. Then after I was already late getting out the portal, my chariot of damnation broke an axle on the way to work. I was going to take the public ferry, but the driver demanded exact change – as though anyone keeps pennies on them in this day and age. I resorted to flying under my own power, which is exhausting in the best of conditions, so the headwind didn’t help things any.
After I finally got there, my overseer really raked me over the coals. Then he made me haul in replacement coals because the furnace imp is on vacation. He also made it pretty clear I’d blown my shot at the Archfiend of Slavery position I had been gunning for for the last millennium. None of the scrying results I needed for my own project were in yet, and I had missed lunch in all that mess, so I decided to just knock off early.
The wind had made an about face in those few hours, but I still managed to stumble back to my lair a bit early. Of course this meant I was just in time to find my mutual-abuse partner whipping another man.
So now I’m here at the local den, wondering where I went wrong. I’m a huge, tenacious guy with a lot of mobility, and I’m willing to work cheap. But it just seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can’t win. I’ll tell you this much: this sort of crap never happens to my friend Angelo.
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The Magic
OnlineJudge Open (MOJO) Tournament Report *Top 8*As the title indicates, this event was originally slated to take place on modo. That idea was scrapped when someone pointed out that as a level 5 judge, modo was entitled to participate, and it couldn’t figure out how to play on itself. So we all met up in person instead.
Round 1
My opponent plays what he assures me are a lot of modal effects with linked abilities that resolve in different layers (contingent on dependencies) and may or may not be characteristic-copying. I don’t know what any of this crap does, but I know none of it deals me 20 damage. I defeat him handily in 2 games.
1-0
Round 2
Even the simplest actions like untapping and drawing a card take my opponent several seconds. I call over a judge, my round 1 opponent, and accuse him of slow-play. I begin to methodically lay out my case that he was stalling, then my current opponent reports me to his round 1 opponent for slow-explain. I guess those guys were pretty sore about losing last round and having their second round interrrupted, because they award us respective match losses. We appeal those decisions to the head judge, who it turns out is me. I recuse myself due to the conflict of interest, and without any way to resolve the situation, the match goes to time and ends in a draw.
1-0-1
Round 3
My opponent is immediately very rude. He asks me to sing a Beatles song of my choosing, then tells me my voice is absolute rubbish and I don’t have the star quality to succeed in this competition. I’m feeling pretty down about this until one of his barns tells me to keep working at it and calls me his ‘dog.’ At this point I notice he still hasn’t presented his deck, and doesn’t even appear to have one. I disqualify him from the event, but not before he tells me America has voted me into the bottom 2 and probably won’t be returning next week.
2-0-1
Round 4
A nice, quiet guy playing an impressive new deck of his own devising. He didn’t make any mistakes all match long, and saw a lot of plays I never would have. By game 2 I had begun to suspect he was a ringer. I considered calling someone over to check his certification, but decided that it was better to lose gracefully than risk a repeat of round 2.
2–1-1
Round 5
This guy was a real stickler. He made me tap my lands one at a time, untap everything simultaneously, announce each time I was passing priority, and go through spell announcement step by step in the correct order. At one point twelve identical “gain one life” triggers happened at once, and he asked me what order I wanted to stack them in with a straight face. Things were close but looking good in game 1 until accidently pointed at the wrong guy when choosing what would have been lethal attackers, and he wouldn’t let me take it back. I then disgustedly told him “I give up” and he asked if I was sure, yes or no. I said yes, and it turned out I had just conceded the whole match instead of the game.
2-2-1
I’m about to head home when the top 8 is announced, and I am in. I point out that this should be mathematically impossible given my record, but it turns out they just ran way too many rounds of swiss. I hit the bathroom before heading to the final table, and the rest of the top 8 is already there. My round 2 opponent says he needs the rating points for byes and we all agree to let him win his matches in exchange for the lion’s share of the prizes.
Quarter finals
I get paired vs the agreed-upon winner. Our games go quickly as I just mana burn for the maximum amount each turn.
