Category: $200 Summer Contest entry

  • HardCORE! THEROS Strategy Primer for Prereleasing LIKE MEN!

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.

    Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the prerelease has not yet occurred. Our apologies to Jethro, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.



    HI! I’m new to strategy writing, I’m an old fashioned pro-player; I like my cards unstamped and my drafts rotisserie. I’ve been playing since the 80’s back when Magic was HARDCORE: Don’t like It: SUCK IT! And by it I mean Magic. Wanna Be a great player, Wanna make the Pro-Tour? You can’t! Not with that attitude. My Magic training is the best there is and it’s not cheap and it is nasty and I don’t take wannabee’s! SO BUCKLE UP.

    My Name’s Jethro, and if you want to not SUCK IT(And By IT I STILL MEAN MAGIC!) this is what you should be reading: Ready?

    STEP 1: DRAFT LIKE A MAN!

    Quick what’s the first pick from this pack!















    Quicker than that you’ve only got 38 seconds left to make this decision. Why 37? ’cause you spent the fist minute reading the introduction to this article. C’mon now 20 seconds!

    .
    .
    .

    WRONG!

    You made the wrong decision and Now you’re going to lose. Your dreams will be crushed by some NOOB in the first round who taps his lands in different directions and isn’t EVEN using sleeves. Is that the Kinda Magic player you WANT to be: IS IT? Because Noone and I mean Noone has ever had fun LOSING MAGIC! Oh they might say they had fun, they might offer their hand and say it was a ‘good game’: know what I do to losers who say good game, I punch them in the Mouth That’s what! And If I get disqualified by some Bastard Judge who’s got pimples and massive glasses: GOOD! Because I’ve opened such a terrible pack remaining in this tournament is a waste of time. That’s your first lesson Write it down, while I drink whisky and invent STEP 2!

    Lesson 1: If you open a pack THIS BAD the best thing to do is quit and join another Queue.

    STEP 2: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FISH AND MOVES LIKE A FISH: HIT IT WITH A HAMMER.

    Quick! Look at this card from Theros and evaluate it for limited play:

    Quicker than that! Is that how slow you’re going to evaluate cards in your pre-release sealed?!?!’Cause you’ve got over 100 cards to evaluate and if you go that slowly you won’t have time to submit a deck and will be disqualified from the Pro tour: TRUE STORY! [1]

    Anyway, back to the card at hand. The correct answer (Once you finally got there, well done genius Clap Clap) is that no card in limited can be evaluated in a vacuum, every card has other cards it DEPENDS on, for instance this Card depends on 3 lands to cast it: Rubbish! 1 card depending on 3 cards; lands are for NOOBS throw it on the scrapheap.

    THAT’S your second lesson: Why aren’t you already writing it down whilst I drink Whisky and Think about TITS!

    Lesson 2: Lands are for Noobs: Real men just play there cards and hope noone notices That’s how things were back in my day. [2]

    STEP 3: INTERLUDE!

    IF I could rant for a second: ELSPETH IS WEARING TO MANY CLOTHES IN THIS ART!

    You call that body armor?!? This is Body Armor:

    Oh YEAH!

    STEP 4: THE VISUAL SPOILER!

    Some (idiots mostly) say that you should always religiously study the visual spoiler before taking part in a Pre-release in order to play around Tricks and removal your opponent might have. This is Nonsense. After all, knowing every trick isn’t important, you just need to know the ones ACTUALLY in your opponents hand.

    Doing this can be tricky, and my methods vary; the secret is to never use the same TRICK twice; or three times if you’re drunk enough; always try to isolate your opponent from their hand, ask THEM to go get a judge to answer your question, the second they look away: start riffling through their cards. Hell if there’s enough time you can even start going through their deck to see what goodies lie there; and if you’re caught just claim it’s your own deck and put it on top of yours, then get them disqualified for Rules Infraction: ‘Not having a deck!’ (This REALLY works) [3]

    That’s your fifth lesson: write it down while I drink WHISKY and meditate on the complexities of the human condition, and how love, kindness and respect are the keys to a satisfied existence!

    Lesson 5: Always know your enemies (hand) intimately!

    SUMMING UP!

    Don’t read articles telling you how to be a great magic player; written by so called “’Pro’s’”. There’s only one trick to becoming a GREAT player and it rhymes with Whisky!

    Enjoy losing to me at the pre-release Fuckers,

    Jethro

    [1] [Ed: Jethro was disqualified from the Pro-Tour in 1996 for what the judge called “The most blatant, obvious and obnoxious cheating I have ever seen a player commit.” when whilst ‘shuffleing’ his opponents library, he went through it for all the non-lands and pocketed them.]

    [2] [Ed: It is believed Jethro is here referring to his second appearance on the Pro-Tour where he piloted affinity; he is famous for receiving more warnings and committing more infractions at this pro-tour than any player in history; including a warning for unsportsmanlike conduct when he set his opponents deck on fire. The head judge confesses that this should have been a disqualification but he was fascinated to “See what Jethro would do next.”]

    [3] [Ed: Jethro is talking about an incident at his third and final appearance at a Pro-Tour or indeed any competitive Magic event. He was placed 403rd despite there being only 351 players because, as one judge put it, “Get him out of here, get him out now.” When asked about the incident afterwards, he described himself as “The people’s Champion” for having shown up without qualification and playing under an assumed DCI number.]





  • 99 Solutions

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.

    Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the contents of Theros are different than ours. Our apologies to TheGoodSoldier, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.



    You’re playing Standard. It’s turn five. You’re tapped out and your opponent slams a Thundermaw Hellkite.

    Standard everyday typicals.

    So what do you do? Take five of course. You don’t have any mana for a Counterspell or a Doom Blade, so you have no way to interact.

    This has been a major complaint amongst players for some time. Combat just isn’t very interactive. We’re hoping that Theros’ new Blocking mechanic will fix all of this. Take a look at this spicy meatball:

    Those are some big numbers there. Three power, five toughness, and ninety-nine Blocks. Just what is a Block, you ask? That’s all covered in the new Comprehensive Rules update! There’s a lot of text to go over, but the long and short of things is that the new Blocking mechanic allows any creature to Block an attacking creature, which we’re thinking will really shake up combat.

    As of now we’re not really sure how much of an impact this will have on games, and there are a few kinks to work out. Clearly this will make games go longer and will lead to busier board states, but we’re pretty uncertain as to how many Blocks a player will have to make every combat. We’re hoping that ninety-nine is enough, because we really want Blocking to be an important aspect of the game. We toyed around with templating a creature that could Block every opposing creature, but we couldn’t come up with a good name for such a card. Infinitely Handed One just didn’t sound nearly as clean.

    Anytime we make a change to the rules like this, we like to look back at Magic’s history and think about how different things would be then if the new rules were in place. It’s likely that Blocking would impact nearly every Pro Tour match ever played, but the biggest standout in our minds is the Pro Tour Dark Ascension Semifinal between Brian Kibler and Jon Finkel.

    In this match Kibler attacked Finkel with a Wolf token, knocking Finkel down to eight and leaving him dead to two Galvanic Blasts. Meanwhile, Finkel’s untapped Spirit tokens were powerless to help him. We caught up with Jon to ask him if this rules change altered the way he felt about this loss. Finkel had this to say:

    “The truth is, I’m not really sure that I would have made the Block anyway- it’s not like it would have been mandatory. He would have had to have the triple Blast, so I’m not exactly in any despair over the situation.”

    Between his words we see what we hope to be true about the new Block mechanic- it’s complex. We strive to make Magic as complex a game as possible, and we’re hoping that whether or not to Block will be as difficult as a decision as “Which creature type should I name with Cavern of Souls?” and “Which mode should I activate on my Garruk, Caller of Beasts?”

    Are you excited to start Blocking, or have we ruined Magic? Be sure to email Mark Rosewater personally with your thoughts. He loves reading them almost as much as he loved writing Roseanne. Send them to Aaron Forsythe, too. Somebody ought to tell you why you’re wrong.





  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part Five’

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Previous installments:

    Part One
    Part Two
    Part Three
    Part Four

    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus,
    Part Five





    When I came to, I found myself chained to the wall of a dark, dank dungeon that smelled vaguely of swamp gas.
    Which wasn’t that surprising; that’s par for the course after a night with Liliana. What was surprising
    was seeing Chandra Nalaar down there. She and Liliana had set up a table with some folding chairs maybe ten feet
    away from me. They appeared to be playing some kind of card game I wasn’t familiar with, and they were so intent
    on it that they hadn’t noticed me waking up.

    “Thundermaw hellkite,” said Chandra Nalaar, laying a card onto the table and pumping her fist. “You’re dead.”

    “Hey, your hair is on fire,” said Liliana Vess. Chandra gasped and reached up to check. While she was distracted,
    Liliana scooped up a card she’d apparently had in her lap this whole time.

    Chandra glared at Liliana suspicously. “My hair’s always on fire.”

    “Yeah, sorry, my mistake. Snuff out your hellkite.”

    Chandra flipped the table, scattering all of their game pieces everywhere, and screamed in frustration. “I HATE
    this game!” She stood up and began to pace back and forth while muttering, her hair flaring up in bursts.

    Liliana righted the table. “Why don’t I go upstairs and get us some more wine?” She disappeared around a corner.
    Probably smart to give Chandra some time to cool off. Might even give me enough time to get some answers out of my
    “client.” I waited until I thought Liliana would be out of earshot.

    “So, Chandra. Fancy meeting you here. Did you know that Garruk Wildspeaker and Elspeth Tirel are out for blood
    because of this thing you’ve got going on with Liliana?”

    She paused and turned to look at me. “Oh, you’re awake. You knew about this? About us?”

    “I took a few beatings yesterday because they wanted to interfere with your plans. Would’ve been nice to have a
    heads-up about the angry planeswalkers on your tail. It would’ve saved me some heartache. And a lot of headache.”

    “It’s important to keep you on your toes, Bob.”

    “I can do that fine on my own.” I was starting to get pretty irritated. It’s important to keep that in check
    when you’re dealing with someone that can incinerate you with a thought, though. “You don’t seem particularly
    interested in my progress on your case. Don’t you at least want to know what kind of bill you’ve racked up so far?”

    “Oh, that,” she said. “I know who took my missing minus ability now, so I won’t be needing your services any more.”
    She grinned at me. “You’re fired.” That was another one from the short list of things red dames love to say. I flashed
    back to the fights my ex-wife and I used to have and braced myself for the usual firebolt followup to that phrase,
    but it didn’t come. Chandra, at least for the time being, wasn’t interested in killing me. Unlike Jaya. But it wasn’t
    the time or place to be thinking about old flames.

    “I was feeling pretty good about quitting anyway,” I said. “So who was it? That stole your ability.”

    “Oh, it turns out it was me.” Another one of those unexpected answers. Planeswalkers are just full of surprises.
    I was baffled.

    “It was you? Why would you do that?” If I could keep her talking, maybe I could get a chance to test my
    bonds without her noticing. And if I made it out of here, maybe I could sell the information to interested parties.
    I value client confidentiality right up until a client screws me over and stiffs me on the bill.

    She sighed. “No matter how well it would’ve worked out, they would’ve always compared me to Jace, the Mind Sculptor.
    I wasn’t going to settle for being the second to do something. The second best. Not when I had a shot to really
    make history.”

    “Make history, huh?” I wasn’t strong enough to pull the chains out of the walls, and the shackles were enchanted.
    Any significant physical or magical exertion and there would be some very bad mojo that I likely wouldn’t survive.
    Lily’s handiwork. She was thorough.

    “If M-Fourteen failed, the Wizards would have to turn up the heat. Take bigger risks. And Liliana and I would have
    the perfect idea ready for them. Instead of the second planeswalker with four abilities, how about the first dual
    planeswalker, a female-female couple?”

    “You and Liliana. But there’s one thing I don’t get – why did you hire me to find out who stole your minus ability when it was you?”

    “That’s easy,” said Chandra. “I forgot.”/p>

    “You forgot?” At that moment it was hard to say which I was feeling more: livid, or incredulous.
    But there was a healthy amount of both. “I took multiple beatings and pissed off two planeswalkers because
    you forgot?

    “Bob, you’re not thinking about the big picture here. A female-female couple. Think of all the
    posters we could sell. And not just to Jace! With that kind of money, we could buy all the scrolls or chain
    veils or whatever MacGuffins that we want. And imagine the typeline – ‘Planeswalker – Chandra Liliana.’”

    “Or ‘Planeswalker – Liliana Chandra,’” said Liliana as she came back into the room holding two glasses of wine.
    “Chandra, dear, could you tell me exactly why you decided to tell Bob all about our plan? You know he’s just going
    to sell that information to the highest bidder, right?” I shrugged and nodded. No point trying to pretend it wasn’t true;
    Liliana knew better. She’d do the same thing in my shoes.

    “Who cares? Aren’t we just going to kill him anyway?” Chandra snapped her fingers, creating a spark
    which proceeded to dance across her knuckles.

    Liliana actually seemed surprised. “What? I hadn’t been planning to. Why did you think we were going to kill him?”

    “If we aren’t going to kill him, why did you bring him down here and lock him up in the first place?”

    Liliana was getting agitated. “I just… it’s just a thing I do, okay?” She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
    “I guess we have to kill him, now.”

    You could say I was dismayed at this turn of events. “Wait!” I said. “It’s true I’d have no qualms about selling
    information about your plan, but I actually really pissed off the only people I know of who might be interested,
    and I’m pretty sure they’d kill me before I got the chance to make an offer.”

    “I’m sure you could come up with something,” said Chandra. “Plus I think killing you would be fun.
    What else you got?”

    It was time to play my last card. “The information’s only worth anything if the plan’s actually good,
    right? But this plan doesn’t even make sense. If Chandra, Pyromaster wasn’t good enough to move M-Fourteen,
    what makes you think they’d be interested in using you for their next big push?”

    “It’s very simple,” said Liliana. “The reason they’d be interested is the tagline, of course:
    ‘We’re not bad, we’re just drawn that way.’”

    And then it hit me. “Steve Argyle,” I said. “Son of a bitch. It’s been him this whole time, hasn’t it? He’s behind every-”

    “I’m bored,” said Chandra Nalaar. “Hey Bob, check out this sweet minus ability!”

    It was no big surprise, really. I was shocked.

    As I closed my eyes on the way to the graveyard, I could faintly hear Liliana’s voice.
    “Come on, I only have like four of those guys.”

    Everything went black.

    Epilogue

    When I came to, I found myself in a pine box. I could see a little bit of light coming in through
    the cracks between the boards. Either I hadn’t been buried yet, or someone had seen fit to unbury me.
    And I had a pretty good idea of who it was.

    I balled my hands into fists and thrust them upward, putting a little magic behind the blow.
    The coffin lid shattered, leaving me looking up into a pale, moonlit sky. And into the face of
    Liliana Vess. “Good morning, Bob,” she said. “I wasn’t finished with you, yet. I have a job for you.”

    I got to my feet and dusted off my robes. “What does it take for a guy to be able
    to get some sleep around here?”

    She smirked at me. “Stop complaining. You can rest when you’re dead. Oh – sorry.”

    Of course she’d say that. She always says that.

    What does Liliana have in store for our hero? Will Elspeth and Garruk ever catch him? How drunk is Jace going to have to get him before he’d be willing to take Phage, the Untouchable out for a night on the town? Find out… some other time, because this story’s done.

    Oh, and Hans got eaten by the tarmogoyf back in Part One. So he’s dead.

    The End






  • Thousands Brace for Coming Hypocrisy

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.




    Around the world, Magic Online players are steeling themselves for an upcoming surge in hypocrisy coinciding with the Theros prerelease, feared to be the worst in recorded history.

    During this time, opinionated players will flood all available outlets with complaints about the pricing of these prerelease events, often as they are signed up for or participating in those same tournaments.

    “Ultimately, I am totally powerless to control myself and must ask a governing body to exercise restraint in my stead,” said a player only willing to be identified by his account handle, GlissaFunseeker.

    GlissaFunseeker can often be found in the Limited Events chat room between his matches offering startlingly poor business advice. While often threatening to quit the game, the player insists this sham is the final straw.

    “For years, I had considered [them] to be different from other businesses, in that it was designed to satisfy my every whim,” the player continued. “Now, I realize it’s only out to make a profit like every other rotten company.”

    A representative from Wizards of the Coast was contacted for this story who declined to be interviewed, but did provide an e-mailed statement as a reply.

    “We would not take advantage of our consumer base in this fashion, unless it was profitable. However, while Wizards of the Coast is happy to charge its customers more for an inferior service, we do advise everyone take extra care so as not to destroy their glass houses,” reads the statement.

    Those trying to escape the dread tide of stupidity are taking drastic measures to prepare.

    “I’ve already placed cardboard over parts of my screen so I will only be able to see the in-game interface,” said another player indentified as TwerkinthePlanes. “I also have infected most Magic discussion boards with malware to make them unavailable for commenting.”



  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part Four’

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Previous installments:

    Part One
    Part Two
    Part Three

    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus,
    Part Four





    When I came to, I had no idea where I was, which seemed to be the theme for the day. But in a welcome change,
    I didn’t actually hurt any more. I was laying prone and my cheek was stuck to something.

    I sat up and that something turned out to be a white leather couch. I was in what appeared to be the
    living room of a swankily decorated house. In front of me, a picture window gave me a beautiful view
    of a beach and a crystal-blue ocean.

    The walls were covered with framed posters, about half of which depicted angels, vampire women,
    and elvish rangers. You know, the cheesecake factor. The other half depicted the dwelling’s occupant,
    Jace Beleren, in a variety of mystical poses casting spells that clearly were doing nothing but looking
    impressive to laypeople. And this was definitely Jace’s place, and not just a shrine set up by some
    psychotic superfan of his. There were personal photographs of him all over the place. There he was, flashing
    devil horns with Niv-Mizzet, or with his arms around four members of the Stonybrook Synchronized
    Swimming Team, or-

    “Morning, brah!” said Jace Beleren, as he levitated into the room with a can of Cluestone Light.
    “Scoping the photos, huh? That one’s me with my roommates from the Alpha Beta Tappa House at the
    Tolarian Academy,” he said, pointing at the photo I was holding. “There’s Teferi, Arcanis, and Yu.”

    “That’s not me. I never even went to the Tolarian Academy.”

    “Not you, bro! Yu. Jarvis Yu. Awesome dude to hang out with. Could be a brick sometimes,
    though. I still remember when he went to the Spice Isles for Spring Break with this moonfolk chick named
    Tamiyo. Only it turned out that Tamiyo was Tami-bro. Dude was crushed. You know what I’m saying?”

    “Yeah.”

    “I mean, it turned out she had a-”

    “I got it, Jace.”

    He took a swig of his beer. “It was a real Olivia Voldaren moment.”

    I put the photo back where I’d found it. “Why am I here, Jace? And for
    that matter, why don’t I hurt? I didn’t know you’d picked up white magic.”

    He spread his arms wide. “I didn’t, bro. Didn’t you know? Healing’s totes
    in blue’s color pie, just like everything else.” He floated down onto the couch next to me.

    “Well, thanks, I guess. Back to the first question. Why am I here? Let me guess –
    you’re trying to meddle with whatever Chandra and Liliana are planning?”

    “No way, dude. What they’re planning is super hot. Though I wouldn’t mind coming between them.
    You smell what I’m cooking, bro?” He laughed and elbowed me in the ribs. “No, man, I brought
    you here for something way more important than Chandra’s missing minus ability.”

    “Yeah? What’s that?”

    He set his beer down on the coffee table, then put his hand on my shoulder
    and gave me what I guessed was the most serious look he could manage.
    “Bob. Dude. I need you to be my wingman.”

    I admit it. I hadn’t been expecting that. “What?

    “Bro, I know you remember that time we went to Ulgrotha and partied at the An-Havva Inn.”

    “Yeah, I remember.” I wasn’t particularly proud of that night, either.

    “And those two chicks
    were there, Soraya and Reveka? Soraya was a little older than I usually go for, but man, she knew
    her way around a Squadron Hawk. And Reveka… woof! But luckily for me, you jumped right on that grenade!”
    He slapped my shoulder. “I gotta say, dude, I was proud of you that next morning at their place.
    You tapped her and she stayed tapped.” He emphasized the word “stayed” by balling his hands into
    fists and making a pelvic thrusting motion.

    Look, in my defense, I’d been really drunk. “Yeah, I remember. I’m not going back there with you.”

    He smirked at me. “Been there, done that, broski. No, we’re going to Otaria.”

    I considered. Jace Beleren knew almost everything, right up to the point where
    omniscience and free will collided. And sometimes beyond – he was blue, after all.
    He might be able to make my job much easier for me. I could probably even swing getting Chandra
    to buy a few drinks for me. Business expenses, you understand. “You know who took Chandra’s
    missing minus ability, don’t you?”

    He laughed. “Was there ever any doubt?”

    “If I go with you, will you tell me who it was?”

    “Anything for a bro.”

    It was tempting. Some people say they don’t like to take the easy way out. In my line of work,
    those people are dead. You can piss off one interdimensional being of nearly limitless power,
    and you can piss off another, but eventually you have to say enough is enough. Getting the answers
    from Jace and laying low for a while would undoubtedly be the best thing for my health. “All right,
    deal. I take it you have someone specific in mind?”

    “I do.” He conjured up an image for me, one I recognized. “Her name’s Akroma. She’s an angel,
    and she’s a honey. Carries around two kinds of protection. And she’s got haste, if you know what
    I mean. Only problem is, she’s always with this other chick.”

    Another image. I recognized this one, too. I could see where this was going, and I didn’t like it.
    “It’s like they’re joined at the hip
    or something. They’re basically inseparable. And there’s no way I’m touching her.
    So that’s where you come in. Get her away from Akroma, show her a good time, let me make my move,
    and next morning, you’ll have your info.”

    “You want me to spend the night with Phage, the Untouchable.” It would’ve been a great deal, if I
    hadn’t minded the idea of perishing horribly after having my skin seared off. “Much as I’d love for
    you to do my job for me, Jace, I’m gonna have to decline. Solving the case doesn’t do me much good
    if I’m too dead to collect my pay afterwards.”

    His demeanor took a sudden shift. The veneer of amicability peeled from his face, revealing the
    sociopathy and disdain beneath. Just what I wanted to do, incite another planeswalker. Three for three.
    “It’s not really up to you, bro,” he said, preparing to cast what I could only assume was a mind control
    spell.

    “Actually, I really think it is,” I said. And for the third time that day, I closed my eyes,
    reached deep into myself, and used my power to reveal Jace’s deepest, darkest secret.

    I saw a naked man, bent over, facing away from me, using his hands to stretch his…
    Look, you don’t want to know, and I don’t want to think about it any more. It was disgusting.
    I coughed, gagged, and started retching over the coffee table. Jace was literally rolling on
    the floor laughing.

    Once we’d both recovered, he was back to his old “friendly” self. “Oh, man, that was so sick,
    bro!” he said. “You walked right into it! Should’ve seen your face when you saw it. Wait, let me show you.”
    He conjured up an image of my face, a slow-motion reaction shot to the foul thing I’d just seen.

    “What the hell was that?” I asked.

    “I was doing a little scrying earlier and I had this sudden brainstorm,” he said.
    “I realized you were going to try that trick on me, and after that, your fate was sealed.
    Figured I’d give you a little glimpse of the unthinkable. You’re going to need more than a
    thought scour to get that out of your head.” He chuckled.

    “Well, now you’ve had your fun. Since you brought me here in the first place, mind bouncing
    me back to my office? Don’t know if the Wizards’ lair is really the best place for me to be right now.”

    He looked doubtful. “You sure you don’t want to take your chances with Phage, bro?”

    “You mean, I could lose my shot at a horrible, painful death? Yeah, I’m sure.”

    He shrugged. “All right, man. Peace.” My stomach flip-flopped again, and I was back in my office.
    No sign of Hans. The tarmogoyf attack had probably scared the hell out of him. He would’ve found a
    hiding place somewhere safely far away from my office.

    Which, it only belatedly occurred to me, I probably should have done, too. My office was the obvious
    first place for Elspeth or Garruk to come looking for me. Coming back here had been a stupid mistake,
    and in my line of work, stupid mistakes get you killed. Best thing to do now would be to get out, fast.

    I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt the pressure of hands on my shoulders. I spun around,
    the words to a spell on the tip of my tongue, ready to cut loose with a doom blade at whoever or
    whatever had been waiting for me. But I didn’t need it, and it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

    “Bob, darling,” said Liliana Vess. “What’s happened to you? So high-strung.”

    “This has been one hell of a day, Lily. What are you doing here?” She looked good. She looked real
    good. That waist-length ebony hair, the low-cut purple dress with the slit up the front that gave away
    just enough to let you know you should be interested, the classic thigh-high black boots with the stiletto
    heels. She’d lost her tattoos, though. Must’ve broken that demon curse or whatever it was. And I relaxed
    a little as I realized that if she was here, Garruk and Elspeth wouldn’t be. They couldn’t stand her.

    “I’ve been waiting for you. Your place is a mess.”

    “Tarmogoyfs don’t make the best interior decorators. What do you need from-” She put her finger over my
    lips. Then she kissed me. Not a last kiss, not a soul kiss, not a kiss of death, just a regular kiss.
    Brought back some memories. Normally a guy like me should’ve been more suspicious in a situation like that.
    Especially after having gotten his ass kicked repeatedly by people looking for the woman who just showed
    up uninvited in his office. But I’ve always been a sucker for Lily, and the day had been about as rotten
    a day as I could’ve asked for. So as she took me by the hand and led me back into my own bedroom, I certainly
    wasn’t going to question the sudden turn in my luck.

    I closed the door to the bedroom behind us. As far as you’re concerned, everything went black.

    What is Liliana’s ulterior motive? Is Bob ever actually going to start investigating the theft of
    Chandra’s minus ability? Why the hell are we still waiting to learn what happened to Hans? All your questions
    will be answered in the exciting conclusion of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!






  • TCGPlayer.com Previews Battlewise Hoplite

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.





  • Weapons of the Gods, or Godly Mistakes?

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Kalimera, Good Gamerers! Through skullduggery and gumption, our friend Jethro has managed to sneak a peak at 5 new cards from the upcoming set, “Theros!” Don’t be Hellenvious; he’s sharing the information with us all, via perfectly-crafted, grammar-impeccable MSE proxies.














  • Bird in the Foreground

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.

  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part Three’

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Previous installments:

    Part One
    Part Two

    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus,
    Part Three





    When I came to, I was facedown on the ground with a mouthful of dirt. Then the headache came
    crashing in with a vengeance, along with a new, throbbing pain in my face. “Uhn,” I said. “Mrph,”
    I continued, as I spat out the mouthful of dirt, then turned face up. It was really bright out.
    Someone was standing over me, but my vision was still blurry, so I couldn’t make out the face.
    Wasn’t the right shape for Garruk, and plus, I wasn’t dead, so it wasn’t him. Maybe it was that
    guy with the shield? “Who…?” I managed.

    When she spoke, I had my answer. “As articulate as ever, Robert. Having a bad day?”
    I stiffened. I loathe being called Robert. There’s only one person that ever calls
    me that. A person whom, not coincidentally, I also loathe. I squinted, and what I was
    seeing began to arrange itself into some semblance of her face.

    “Elspeth Tirel,” I said. “Should’ve known from that guy’s jump. If you wanted to talk,
    I could’ve just climbed down.”

    “My way was better,” she said, “because it hurt you, and you are a detestable human being who
    deserves to suffer.” She said that last part as if it was a fact that should’ve been obvious to
    anyone, including myself. No anger, no malice. All white, all the time, that was Elspeth. As you
    can imagine, she and I got along great. About as well as Chandra and self-restraint, or
    Garruk and bathing.

    “Fantastic,” I said. “You sound like my ex-wife. Are you going to kill me, or am I
    going to have to get up?”

    “I’m not going to kill you. In your current state, I think that would be a mercy.” Tell me about it.
    I struggled to my feet. Didn’t even bother to dust off my robes, which I was pretty sure actually
    had some blood on them at this point from my nose. What a day.

    For the moment, I ignored Elspeth and took in my surroundings. I’d noticed the light was
    brighter than I would’ve expected when I woke up, and that was because I wasn’t in the forest
    any more. In three directions, as far as the eye could see, there was rolling grass. Also
    known as absolutely nothing. Behind me, maybe fifty yards away, was the forest. I’d apparently
    been dragged out of there, probably by the same guy that had smashed my face in. Several guys
    who looked just like him were standing around me and Elspeth in a rough circle, probably just
    waiting for me to make a move. There were five of them, which didn’t bode well for me. It meant
    Elspeth had had all the time she needed to prepare her defenses. If it came to blows, I wouldn’t
    even be able to scratch these guys.

    “Indeed. You are free to pick a fight, but it will not go well for you,” said Elspeth,
    satisfied that I had come to the desired conclusion.

    “Don’t suppose you’d be willing to spirit me back to my office?”

    “Not at the moment, Robert. We have things to discuss. You will not leave until I will it.”
    The soldiers came in closer to me. I was starting to get tired of being pushed around by
    planeswalkers who just wanted to “talk.” But I still had no idea where I was, and Elspeth
    was my best chance of getting back to the city in a reasonable amount of time, so I figured
    I might as well play along. Her crew of unstoppable footmen might have had something to do
    with the decision, too.

    “Of course we’ve got things to discuss. You could’ve just come to my office for this.
    Oh, right, detestable human being. Fine. What do you want from me, Elspeth?”

    “Liliana Vess and Chandra Nalaar are planning something together,” she said. “Chandra
    recently engaged your services, did she not?” I wondered if every planeswalker just had
    my office bugged. Or maybe she was working with Garruk?

    “Yeah, she did. Didn’t have anything to do with Liliana Vess, though. Like I told Garruk,
    I haven’t seen her in months.” No surprise from her that Garruk was on the same trail. The
    idea that they were working together was looking pretty good.

    “It is possible she knows more than she is telling you.” Spoken like a true industry veteran.
    “I do not know what they are planning, but whatever it is, it must be stopped.”

    “So… you want to hire me to find out what it is they’re up to?”

    “No. I want you to swear an oath not to complete the work Chandra Nalaar hired you to do.
    I will not ask you to divulge her secrets, but I must assume that your failure to complete
    the task will stymie their plot together.”

    “Oh, is that all? Yeah, sure, that’s fine. I swear on whatever it is you consider holy
    that I will not finish the job Chandra hired me for.”

    She hadn’t been expecting me to agree that easily. “Oh. Well, then… excellent. I am
    glad we came to an agreement.” Being white, she immediately accepted the oath at face value,
    because who would ever break an oath like that? Of course, I had no intention of honoring
    it. I’m a black wizard. We do anything to win.

    “So, Elspeth,” I said, figuring I should get while the getting was good, “since I agreed
    to your request, you think you could do me a favor in return? I don’t know where I am.
    If you could ‘walk us to the headquarters of the Wizards of the Coast, that’d be swell.”

    Elspeth grimaced. I clearly wasn’t exactly on her good side. But the scales were
    tipped in my favor, as far as she was concerned. “Very well,” she said. “And then we will
    be even.” She closed her eyes, raised a hand, concentrated, and a wave of nausea caught me
    as we appeared in front of the building housing the Wizards’ lair. I somehow managed to keep
    the nothing I’d eaten down.

    “Hey, thanks a lot, Elspeth,” I said after taking a moment to compose myself. “You really
    helped me out.” But I still hadn’t forgotten about the broken nose. “That reminds me, how’d
    that thing with Nicol Bolas go?” She frowned. “I’m just saying, he’s a pretty powerful dude.
    I’m glad to see you made it out in one piece.”

    She glared at me. “I didn’t duel Bolas. You are thinking of Ajani Goldmane.”

    “Oh, right, that was him, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. How about the fight
    against the Eldrazi? That was on Zendikar, wasn’t it? How are they holding up?
    Have you been back?”

    She gritted her teeth. “That,” she hissed, “was Gideon Jura.”

    “Oh. Oh! That’s right, I’m so sorry,” I drawled. “I guess you
    white planeswalkers just all look the same to me.”

    Elspeth’s eyes flashed, and her hand went to her sword. I’d anticipated that, and I
    was ready with my power. I closed my eyes, reached deep into myself, and revealed
    Elspeth’s deepest, darkest secret.

    It was a really, really big wurm.

    Elspeth shrieked in agony and dropped to the ground, just like Garruk had. “Wait, so
    you and Garruk, huh? Is that some kind of euphemism, or is it really… you know what,
    you’re busy, I’ll just go.” I turned towards the entrance to the Wizards’ building,
    and came face-to-face with a very unhappy, very unharmable soldier. And his four pals.

    “Oh right,” I said. “Forgot about you guys.”

    They’d only barely started beating the hell out of me when the first one thudded to
    the ground. The rest of them followed suit, one by one. I uncurled from the fetal position
    so I could see what was happening. They were snoring. I was just thinking it must be my
    lucky day when my eyelids started getting heavy, too. It had been a really rough day.
    I just needed a quick rest… Then I heard a voice.

    “Don’t worry, bro. I got you covered. We’ll have you out of there in no time.” Oh, no.
    Not him. Anyone but…

    I felt my stomach flip-flop as I drifted off to sleep. Everything went black.

    Will Bob wake up from his mysterious sleep? Whose voice did he hear right before
    drifting off? And seriously, are we ever going to find out about Hans? Find out in Part
    4 of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!






  • Fizzwand’s Bazaar of Wonders

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    O mighty and powerful wizard! Welcome, wandering one, to Fizzwand’s bazaar of wonders! Can I interest you in purchasing one of my spells befitting a planeswalking soul like yourself?

    I have a wide assortment of spells of all varieties, from this realm’s ferocious creatures, to the latest advances in arcane sorcelation, to artifacts forged in the hottest of Rath’s ferocious furnaces! From abbey gargoyles to Zuran spellcasters, Fizzwand has it all!


    Perhaps you wish to create a bolt of ferocious lightning? All for mere two gold pieces! A bargain, for its legendary might!


    Or perhaps you desire a time-share on one of Zendikar’s majestic islands? Surely a majestic spellcaster like yourself occasionally finds themselves pining for the fjords. My connections can get you access to this realm for the low price of a single gold piece. You’d have to be madder than Hekjek the Mad to pass on this crazy deal!


    Oh, but I see you’re looking at the property built on Dominaria’s mysterious underground sea. Hate to say it, but there’s no way it’s in your price range. That area’s in very high demand right now. But I’ll cut you a deal. The timeshare is normally 180 gold pieces, but I can hook you up with a property located in a nearby underwater graveyard operated by some folks who say they’re from Ravinia or something. The neighborhood isn’t so bad, you can commute, and it’s a steal at just 9 gold pieces. What do you say? This shocking deal won’t last a lifetime, you know!


    You have a boat and want to rent a port to sail out from? What do you think this is, a charity?


    I see you’re looking at the incantation allowing its caster to preordain the future. You have a good eye, sir or madam! I should warn you – that spell is subtle, but its might is so great that it’s illegal in several jurisdictions. Highly recommended for all spellbooks.


    Ah, but you’ve noticed the diamond inset with the eye of a lion! This is truly a wonderful treasure. It can be yours for a mere 75 gold pieces. It has made the wise go mad, the mad go insane, and the insane hellbent.


    The seal of a legendary general from the Three Kingdoms? Ah, that’s one of my rarer possessions. I won’t part with it for fewer than 700 gold pieces. These aren’t easy to come by, you know! If you truly want this spell’s power, I can recommend a vampire who can teach you a similar charm for just 20 gold pieces. A pittance, really.


    But what’s that? I see a gleam in your eyes. You wish to know the cost of the spell to summon a mighty, ever-vigilant angel, one of Serra’s own, one of the most renowned warriors in the land? You can just take it, it’s bulk.

    Good luck winning duels with that pathetic spell.


    Fizzwand’s prices are current as of August 2013. Fizzwand reserves the right to change his prices without notice.