Category: $200 Summer Contest entry

When I came to, I had no idea where I was, which seemed to be the theme for the day. But in a welcome change,
I didn’t actually hurt any more. I was laying prone and my cheek was stuck to something.

I sat up and that something turned out to be a white leather couch. I was in what appeared to be the
living room of a swankily decorated house. In front of me, a picture window gave me a beautiful view
of a beach and a crystal-blue ocean.

The walls were covered with framed posters, about half of which depicted angels, vampire women,
and elvish rangers. You know, the cheesecake factor. The other half depicted the dwelling’s occupant,
Jace Beleren, in a variety of mystical poses casting spells that clearly were doing nothing but looking
impressive to laypeople. And this was definitely Jace’s place, and not just a shrine set up by some
psychotic superfan of his. There were personal photographs of him all over the place. There he was, flashing
devil horns with Niv-Mizzet, or with his arms around four members of the Stonybrook Synchronized
Swimming Team, or-

“Morning, brah!” said Jace Beleren, as he levitated into the room with a can of Cluestone Light.
“Scoping the photos, huh? That one’s me with my roommates from the Alpha Beta Tappa House at the
Tolarian Academy,” he said, pointing at the photo I was holding. “There’s Teferi, Arcanis, and Yu.”

“That’s not me. I never even went to the Tolarian Academy.”

“Not you, bro! Yu. Jarvis Yu. Awesome dude to hang out with. Could be a brick sometimes,
though. I still remember when he went to the Spice Isles for Spring Break with this moonfolk chick named
Tamiyo. Only it turned out that Tamiyo was Tami-bro. Dude was crushed. You know what I’m saying?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, it turned out she had a-”

“I got it, Jace.”

He took a swig of his beer. “It was a real Olivia Voldaren moment.”

I put the photo back where I’d found it. “Why am I here, Jace? And for
that matter, why don’t I hurt? I didn’t know you’d picked up white magic.”

He spread his arms wide. “I didn’t, bro. Didn’t you know? Healing’s totes
in blue’s color pie, just like everything else.” He floated down onto the couch next to me.

“Well, thanks, I guess. Back to the first question. Why am I here? Let me guess –
you’re trying to meddle with whatever Chandra and Liliana are planning?”

“No way, dude. What they’re planning is super hot. Though I wouldn’t mind coming between them.
You smell what I’m cooking, bro?” He laughed and elbowed me in the ribs. “No, man, I brought
you here for something way more important than Chandra’s missing minus ability.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

He set his beer down on the coffee table, then put his hand on my shoulder
and gave me what I guessed was the most serious look he could manage.
“Bob. Dude. I need you to be my wingman.”

I admit it. I hadn’t been expecting that. “What?”

“Bro, I know you remember that time we went to Ulgrotha and partied at the An-Havva Inn.”

“Yeah, I remember.” I wasn’t particularly proud of that night, either.

“And those two chicks
were there, Soraya and Reveka? Soraya was a little older than I usually go for, but man, she knew
her way around a Squadron Hawk. And Reveka… woof! But luckily for me, you jumped right on that grenade!”
He slapped my shoulder. “I gotta say, dude, I was proud of you that next morning at their place.
You tapped her and she stayed tapped.” He emphasized the word “stayed” by balling his hands into
fists and making a pelvic thrusting motion.

Look, in my defense, I’d been really drunk. “Yeah, I remember. I’m not going back there with you.”

He smirked at me. “Been there, done that, broski. No, we’re going to Otaria.”

I considered. Jace Beleren knew almost everything, right up to the point where
omniscience and free will collided. And sometimes beyond – he was blue, after all.
He might be able to make my job much easier for me. I could probably even swing getting Chandra
to buy a few drinks for me. Business expenses, you understand. “You know who took Chandra’s
missing minus ability, don’t you?”

He laughed. “Was there ever any doubt?”

“If I go with you, will you tell me who it was?”

“Anything for a bro.”

It was tempting. Some people say they don’t like to take the easy way out. In my line of work,
those people are dead. You can piss off one interdimensional being of nearly limitless power,
and you can piss off another, but eventually you have to say enough is enough. Getting the answers
from Jace and laying low for a while would undoubtedly be the best thing for my health. “All right,
deal. I take it you have someone specific in mind?”

“I do.” He conjured up an image for me, one I recognized. “Her name’s Akroma. She’s an angel,
and she’s a honey. Carries around two kinds of protection. And she’s got haste, if you know what
I mean. Only problem is, she’s always with this other chick.”

Another image. I recognized this one, too. I could see where this was going, and I didn’t like it.
“It’s like they’re joined at the hip
or something. They’re basically inseparable. And there’s no way I’m touching her.
So that’s where you come in. Get her away from Akroma, show her a good time, let me make my move,
and next morning, you’ll have your info.”

“You want me to spend the night with Phage, the Untouchable.” It would’ve been a great deal, if I
hadn’t minded the idea of perishing horribly after having my skin seared off. “Much as I’d love for
you to do my job for me, Jace, I’m gonna have to decline. Solving the case doesn’t do me much good
if I’m too dead to collect my pay afterwards.”

His demeanor took a sudden shift. The veneer of amicability peeled from his face, revealing the
sociopathy and disdain beneath. Just what I wanted to do, incite another planeswalker. Three for three.
“It’s not really up to you, bro,” he said, preparing to cast what I could only assume was a mind control
spell.

“Actually, I really think it is,” I said. And for the third time that day, I closed my eyes,
reached deep into myself, and used my power to reveal Jace’s deepest, darkest secret.

I saw a naked man, bent over, facing away from me, using his hands to stretch his…
Look, you don’t want to know, and I don’t want to think about it any more. It was disgusting.
I coughed, gagged, and started retching over the coffee table. Jace was literally rolling on
the floor laughing.

Once we’d both recovered, he was back to his old “friendly” self. “Oh, man, that was so sick,
bro!” he said. “You walked right into it! Should’ve seen your face when you saw it. Wait, let me show you.”
He conjured up an image of my face, a slow-motion reaction shot to the foul thing I’d just seen.

“What the hell was that?” I asked.

“I was doing a little scrying earlier and I had this sudden brainstorm,” he said.
“I realized you were going to try that trick on me, and after that, your fate was sealed.
Figured I’d give you a little glimpse of the unthinkable. You’re going to need more than a
thought scour to get that out of your head.” He chuckled.

“Well, now you’ve had your fun. Since you brought me here in the first place, mind bouncing
me back to my office? Don’t know if the Wizards’ lair is really the best place for me to be right now.”

He looked doubtful. “You sure you don’t want to take your chances with Phage, bro?”

“You mean, I could lose my shot at a horrible, painful death? Yeah, I’m sure.”

He shrugged. “All right, man. Peace.” My stomach flip-flopped again, and I was back in my office.
No sign of Hans. The tarmogoyf attack had probably scared the hell out of him. He would’ve found a
hiding place somewhere safely far away from my office.

Which, it only belatedly occurred to me, I probably should have done, too. My office was the obvious
first place for Elspeth or Garruk to come looking for me. Coming back here had been a stupid mistake,
and in my line of work, stupid mistakes get you killed. Best thing to do now would be to get out, fast.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt the pressure of hands on my shoulders. I spun around,
the words to a spell on the tip of my tongue, ready to cut loose with a doom blade at whoever or
whatever had been waiting for me. But I didn’t need it, and it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

“Bob, darling,” said Liliana Vess. “What’s happened to you? So high-strung.”

“This has been one hell of a day, Lily. What are you doing here?” She looked good. She looked real
good. That waist-length ebony hair, the low-cut purple dress with the slit up the front that gave away
just enough to let you know you should be interested, the classic thigh-high black boots with the stiletto
heels. She’d lost her tattoos, though. Must’ve broken that demon curse or whatever it was. And I relaxed
a little as I realized that if she was here, Garruk and Elspeth wouldn’t be. They couldn’t stand her.

“I’ve been waiting for you. Your place is a mess.”

“Tarmogoyfs don’t make the best interior decorators. What do you need from-” She put her finger over my
lips. Then she kissed me. Not a last kiss, not a soul kiss, not a kiss of death, just a regular kiss.
Brought back some memories. Normally a guy like me should’ve been more suspicious in a situation like that.
Especially after having gotten his ass kicked repeatedly by people looking for the woman who just showed
up uninvited in his office. But I’ve always been a sucker for Lily, and the day had been about as rotten
a day as I could’ve asked for. So as she took me by the hand and led me back into my own bedroom, I certainly
wasn’t going to question the sudden turn in my luck.

I closed the door to the bedroom behind us. As far as you’re concerned, everything went black.

What is Liliana’s ulterior motive? Is Bob ever actually going to start investigating the theft of
Chandra’s minus ability? Why the hell are we still waiting to learn what happened to Hans? All your questions
will be answered in the exciting conclusion of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!

When I came to, I was facedown on the ground with a mouthful of dirt. Then the headache came
crashing in with a vengeance, along with a new, throbbing pain in my face. “Uhn,” I said. “Mrph,”
I continued, as I spat out the mouthful of dirt, then turned face up. It was really bright out.
Someone was standing over me, but my vision was still blurry, so I couldn’t make out the face.
Wasn’t the right shape for Garruk, and plus, I wasn’t dead, so it wasn’t him. Maybe it was that
guy with the shield? “Who…?” I managed.

When she spoke, I had my answer. “As articulate as ever, Robert. Having a bad day?”
I stiffened. I loathe being called Robert. There’s only one person that ever calls
me that. A person whom, not coincidentally, I also loathe. I squinted, and what I was
seeing began to arrange itself into some semblance of her face.

“Elspeth Tirel,” I said. “Should’ve known from that guy’s jump. If you wanted to talk,
I could’ve just climbed down.”

“My way was better,” she said, “because it hurt you, and you are a detestable human being who
deserves to suffer.” She said that last part as if it was a fact that should’ve been obvious to
anyone, including myself. No anger, no malice. All white, all the time, that was Elspeth. As you
can imagine, she and I got along great. About as well as Chandra and self-restraint, or
Garruk and bathing.

“Fantastic,” I said. “You sound like my ex-wife. Are you going to kill me, or am I
going to have to get up?”

“I’m not going to kill you. In your current state, I think that would be a mercy.” Tell me about it.
I struggled to my feet. Didn’t even bother to dust off my robes, which I was pretty sure actually
had some blood on them at this point from my nose. What a day.

For the moment, I ignored Elspeth and took in my surroundings. I’d noticed the light was
brighter than I would’ve expected when I woke up, and that was because I wasn’t in the forest
any more. In three directions, as far as the eye could see, there was rolling grass. Also
known as absolutely nothing. Behind me, maybe fifty yards away, was the forest. I’d apparently
been dragged out of there, probably by the same guy that had smashed my face in. Several guys
who looked just like him were standing around me and Elspeth in a rough circle, probably just
waiting for me to make a move. There were five of them, which didn’t bode well for me. It meant
Elspeth had had all the time she needed to prepare her defenses. If it came to blows, I wouldn’t
even be able to scratch these guys.

“Indeed. You are free to pick a fight, but it will not go well for you,” said Elspeth,
satisfied that I had come to the desired conclusion.

“Don’t suppose you’d be willing to spirit me back to my office?”

“Not at the moment, Robert. We have things to discuss. You will not leave until I will it.”
The soldiers came in closer to me. I was starting to get tired of being pushed around by
planeswalkers who just wanted to “talk.” But I still had no idea where I was, and Elspeth
was my best chance of getting back to the city in a reasonable amount of time, so I figured
I might as well play along. Her crew of unstoppable footmen might have had something to do
with the decision, too.

“Of course we’ve got things to discuss. You could’ve just come to my office for this.
Oh, right, detestable human being. Fine. What do you want from me, Elspeth?”

“Liliana Vess and Chandra Nalaar are planning something together,” she said. “Chandra
recently engaged your services, did she not?” I wondered if every planeswalker just had
my office bugged. Or maybe she was working with Garruk?

“Yeah, she did. Didn’t have anything to do with Liliana Vess, though. Like I told Garruk,
I haven’t seen her in months.” No surprise from her that Garruk was on the same trail. The
idea that they were working together was looking pretty good.

“It is possible she knows more than she is telling you.” Spoken like a true industry veteran.
“I do not know what they are planning, but whatever it is, it must be stopped.”

“So… you want to hire me to find out what it is they’re up to?”

“No. I want you to swear an oath not to complete the work Chandra Nalaar hired you to do.
I will not ask you to divulge her secrets, but I must assume that your failure to complete
the task will stymie their plot together.”

“Oh, is that all? Yeah, sure, that’s fine. I swear on whatever it is you consider holy
that I will not finish the job Chandra hired me for.”

She hadn’t been expecting me to agree that easily. “Oh. Well, then… excellent. I am
glad we came to an agreement.” Being white, she immediately accepted the oath at face value,
because who would ever break an oath like that? Of course, I had no intention of honoring
it. I’m a black wizard. We do anything to win.

“So, Elspeth,” I said, figuring I should get while the getting was good, “since I agreed
to your request, you think you could do me a favor in return? I don’t know where I am.
If you could ‘walk us to the headquarters of the Wizards of the Coast, that’d be swell.”

Elspeth grimaced. I clearly wasn’t exactly on her good side. But the scales were
tipped in my favor, as far as she was concerned. “Very well,” she said. “And then we will
be even.” She closed her eyes, raised a hand, concentrated, and a wave of nausea caught me
as we appeared in front of the building housing the Wizards’ lair. I somehow managed to keep
the nothing I’d eaten down.

“Hey, thanks a lot, Elspeth,” I said after taking a moment to compose myself. “You really
helped me out.” But I still hadn’t forgotten about the broken nose. “That reminds me, how’d
that thing with Nicol Bolas go?” She frowned. “I’m just saying, he’s a pretty powerful dude.
I’m glad to see you made it out in one piece.”

She glared at me. “I didn’t duel Bolas. You are thinking of Ajani Goldmane.”

“Oh, right, that was him, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. How about the fight
against the Eldrazi? That was on Zendikar, wasn’t it? How are they holding up?
Have you been back?”

She gritted her teeth. “That,” she hissed, “was Gideon Jura.”

“Oh. Oh! That’s right, I’m so sorry,” I drawled. “I guess you
white planeswalkers just all look the same to me.”

Elspeth’s eyes flashed, and her hand went to her sword. I’d anticipated that, and I
was ready with my power. I closed my eyes, reached deep into myself, and revealed
Elspeth’s deepest, darkest secret.

It was a really, really big wurm.

Elspeth shrieked in agony and dropped to the ground, just like Garruk had. “Wait, so
you and Garruk, huh? Is that some kind of euphemism, or is it really… you know what,
you’re busy, I’ll just go.” I turned towards the entrance to the Wizards’ building,
and came face-to-face with a very unhappy, very unharmable soldier. And his four pals.

“Oh right,” I said. “Forgot about you guys.”

They’d only barely started beating the hell out of me when the first one thudded to
the ground. The rest of them followed suit, one by one. I uncurled from the fetal position
so I could see what was happening. They were snoring. I was just thinking it must be my
lucky day when my eyelids started getting heavy, too. It had been a really rough day.
I just needed a quick rest… Then I heard a voice.

“Don’t worry, bro. I got you covered. We’ll have you out of there in no time.” Oh, no.
Not him. Anyone but…

I felt my stomach flip-flop as I drifted off to sleep. Everything went black.

Will Bob wake up from his mysterious sleep? Whose voice did he hear right before
drifting off? And seriously, are we ever going to find out about Hans? Find out in Part
4 of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!