Good Gamery

Category: mtg

  • News: Wizards Changes Block Size and Standard Schedule

    REDMOND, WA — Wizards of the Coast rocked the world of Magic: The Gathering today when they announced an intimidating new release schedule for new sets, as well as a new schedule for Standard rotations.

    First, blocks will now be composed of 2 sets apiece. Maro Rosewater explains:

    “Well, thus far, the modus operandi has been:

    • 1st set: Introduce the world.
    • 2nd set: Hint at an impending apocalypse.
    • 3rd set: Blow the world up.

    The problem is that this put our designers in a box.

    One of the common complaints we’d hear about ‘2nd sets’ from players was, ‘Gimme my blow-ups!’


    Before, with 3 sets, addressing those complaints wasn’t feasible. But with 2 sets, we can now do the following over and over again:

    • 1st set: Introduce the world.
    • 2nd set: Blow the world up.”

    Second, Standard will now rotate such that it contains no more than 3 blocks at all times, and without any core sets whatsoever.

    Maro Rosewater explains:

    “core sets = revenue down = frown town”

    Finally, a new set will be introduced every single day.

    Maro Rosewater explains:

    “Over many years, we’ve been carefully moving the game further and further away from mechanics-based storytelling and deep flavor, under the auspices of ‘gameplay first.’ In reality, we were migrating toward a nexus point at which a simple piece of software could pump these things out constantly.


    My job, and that of my fellow designers and developers, has now been relegated to a team effort of feeding that software computer bits, making sure it does not become hostile to humans, and scooping its litter box.”

    Finally, Wizard of the Coast built state-of-the-art animated GIFs to explain the new paradigm shift and somehow included them in its press release:



    For ages we’ve struggled with the question, “Where the dragons at?”


    It appears we now have our answer: “Every. Damn. Day.”



  • FyrexianSurvivr’s “Journey Into Nyx” Review

    Welcome to the definitive Journey into Nyx set review! If you missed our Theros set review and our Born of the Gods set review, that’s because I didn’t write them. I was hibernating in my comfy cave, but now the temperature is rising and it’s time for me to wake up and give you…this:

    White

    Aegis of the Gods
    2/5
    You know how you mulligan, and your hand is pretty good, and then your opponent plays turn one Thoughtseize and takes your most important card and suddenly your hand is awful? Well, that will still happen because Thoughtseize costs one and this costs two and they didn’t reprint Lotus Petal. I have a hard time believing a creature with one toughness that costs mana is better at this effect than Leyline of Sanctity in eternal formats either. This card is better than True Believer, though, because true believer doesn’t let you play Cabal Therapy targeting yourself naming splendid genesis and confusing the hell out of your opponent.

    Ajani’s Presence
    2.5/5
    Aww, thanks Ajani, you shouldn’t have. We already have Boros Charm as an answer to wraths in WR decks, and Boros Charm is better. However, I think this card is better than Rootborn Defenses unless you are populating a wurm token or something. This triggers heroic and pumps power, so it can also answer Golgari Charm and Drown in Sorrow sometimes, which boros charm can’t. I definitely expect this card to see play.

    Akroan Mastiff
    0/5
    Two mana tappers occasionally show up in weird metagames. I can’t imagine a 4 mana one showing up anywhere.

    armament of nyx
    2/5
    This is playable if you are rocking some beefy enchantment guys, but I’d definitely board it out if they don’t have guys you need to pacify.

    Banishing Light
    5/5
    This card is just like Oblivion Ring, except if you are playing an Oblivion Ring / March of the Machines / Crystal Shard / Mycosynth Lattice deck. Which, you probably are, because honestly how do you even beat that deck you don’t even get to have any lands. Nice splinter twin deck, NOOB.

    Dawnbringer Charioteers
    2.5/5
    More like yawnbringer charioteers, amirite guys? You know what is sick with this card? Gift of Orzhova. Your opponent will destroy your aura to stop you from gaining life and flying, but little do they know the power to fly and lifelink was inside the charioteers all along! This card is good against aggressive decks with small guys but we had 2/4 flying lifelink guys before and they sucked so you need to put some pants on this guy to make it work. And you need to put some pants on yourself to work, otherwise you’ll probably get fired.

    Deicide
    2/5
    You know what card is a good answer to gods? Banishing light. But deicide answers banishing light! But Banishing Light also answers Banishing Light! But Banishing Light doesn’t answer deicide! But Deicide can’t answer pithing needle. But Pithing Needle can’t answer Athreos. Therefore Athreos is the best target for deicide. I’m on a horse.

    Dictate of Heliod
    3.5/5
    This card is pretty sweet, and something I think white aggro decks have been wanting. There are two 3 mana anthems right now, but they’re both legendary. Also, Flash is an amazing ability to have on an anthem. Don’t let the name of this card trick you into playing heliod though.

    Eagle of the Watch
    0/5
    I love low toughness creatures with vigilance, they can trade down on offence and defense!

    Eidolon of Rhetoric
    3/5
    This ability is generally good enough to pop up from time to time, and this is a poddable version that survives lightning bolt and helix. You know what else pops up from time to time?

    Font of Vigor
    You know a good way to gain a lot of life for 2 mana plus three mana? Cast two removal spells. The time you waste on this piece of garbage is time your opponent will spend punching you in the giblets.

    Godsend
    1.5/5
    1WW+3 is one more mana than it costs to just cast dictate of heliod and pump all your guys. I guess if you are cheating this into play with Stoneforge Mystic it is…much worse than your other options. Still, we don’t have a lot of amazing equipment right now so if you are in the market for a Vulshok Battlegear for your standard deck this is what you’re stuck with.

    Harvestguard Alseids
    0/5
    Creatures, like hookers, are evaluated on rate and performance. This one costs way too much and will poop on your chest no matter what you asked for.

    Lagonna-Band Trailblazer
    1.5/5
    This is close, but it definitely belongs in sideboards, not maindecks.

    Launch the Fleet
    3/5
    This card is a great way to make a bunch of tokens. And then once you have the tokens, you can sacrifice them, since I heard you’re into that. One interesting thing about this card is the way it interacts with Brimaz. I don’t know how that works, but I’m sure it’s interesting.

    Leonin Iconoclast
    1/5
    I didn’t even know this card was in the set until my opponent at the prerelease played it against my deck with 10 enchantment creatures in it. It was as good in that match as it will be bad in constructed. So I hope that guy plays it in constructed.

    Mortal Obstinacy
    2/5
    Do you want to maindeck demystify in your heroic deck, but you’re worried it will be dead sometimes? Here, have this thing.

    Nyx-Fleece Ram
    4/5
    This card is excellent. It’s great for sideboards, but if you’re playing an underworld coinsmith deck it may be maindeckable. Also, here’s some magical card trivia: This card had to receive alternate art in New Zealand, Australia, and Wales because the image was considered “Too pornographic.” In those countries, the black man and sheep cuddling each other have been replaced by a picture of margaret thatcher in a bikini giving a double thumbs up.

    Oppressive Rays
    2/5
    Most of the time you will want pacifism instead, but if you are super aggressive (or some weird 18 land standard combo deck) this may be the call. Also, I’m glad that this card exists so I can image post it whenever forums poster blister is being mean to somebody.

    Oreskos Swiftclaw
    1/5
    This card is exactly the same as Daring Skyjek, except for the part where daring skyjek is playable in constructed and this card makes a great coaster.

    Phalanx Formation
    0/5
    Double Strike for one turn is almost never worth a card and almost never worth three mana. Having to pay both in exchange for strive doesn’t make it any better.

    Quarry Colossus
    1/5
    I like this ability but I don’t like paying 7 mana for it. This cycle of guys should have cost 10 or so and had affinity for the land they count.

    Reprisal
    2.5/5
    This is a great way to deal with creatures that are getting too big for their britches. Speaking of things that are getting too big for their britches…never mind, your mother will explain it to you.

    Sightless Brawler
    1.5/5
    I think this guy is…okay. fine. Barely playable. Almost good. Pick your term. One of the big draws of bestow guys is they can attack the turn after a wrath. This guy is not great at that.

    Skybind
    1.5/5
    This card is really nifty, but putting an enchantment into play on your opponent’s turn is much harder than cycling a card on their turn, and 5 mana is a big initial investment. If you are playing this to abuse your own ETB triggers, you probably want Agoraphobia since it both keeps you alive and gives you more triggers.

    Skyspear Cavalry
    0/5
    What is the deal with white and double strike in this set? Red gets the absurd Ophidian dude and white gets…this thing? Not impressed.

    Stonewise Fortifier
    1/5
    This is a 2/2 for 2 with a beneficial ability, so it’s not out of the question, but the ability is really weak so you probably can do better. Compare this to something like precinct captain and you see what an actual good 2 drop looks like now.

    Supply-Line Cranes
    0/5
    Look, I think what we all wanted to know from the moment we saw these things is, do they deliver babies?

    Tethmos High Priest
    3/5
    This is a pretty neat little engine. Because of strive, you often want to have multiple heroic guys in play at once to get full value, and this guy can get you in that position just by interacting with the cards you were playing anyway.

    Blue

    Aerial Formation
    1/5
    I think this has a shot, but it’s a long shot instead of a headshot. You need the one mana version and the four mana version to both do work, which means you want to be a blue based aggro deck that’s low on natural fliers and had guys big enough to threaten lethal alone or in pairs. Nivmagus Elemental comes to mind, maybe.

    Battlefield Thaumaturge
    3.5/5
    Here is a guy who can do some work. The job he does may not be the job you’re hiring for, because the cards that go nuts with this ability ae pretty odd. Again, this guy tends more towards the aggressive end of the spectrum. I would like him a lot in control if his heroic trigger was shroud, because then you could save him with doom blades.

    Cloaked Siren
    0/5
    “That is not the name of a card playable in a deck.”
    – Callaphe the Mariner

    Countermand
    1.5/5
    4 mana counterspells are playable with enough upside, and were even when the baseline for a hard counter was UU. Is this enough upside? I really doubt it, but we’ll see. Tome scour is no “draw a card” or “untap four lands” that’s for sure.

    Crystalline Nautilus
    2/5
    I actually like this guy, but I would like him more in a different format where people weren’t playing pump spells so much. You need the bestow ability to be a removal spell to get full value here, so you’re going to be looking to pair this with something like Chandra, Pyromaster or a blood rush guy (ha, bet you didn’t expect me to Pyrewild Shaman your guy then swing in and recur it, smartypants opponent). 4/4 is a nice body to have left behind if they can’t target it for free, as well.

    Dakra Mystic
    4/5
    Do you like having information? Do you like drawing cards? Do you like Merfolk of the Pearl Trident? There is now a single card that gives you all these, and more! This gal is going to make some waves (which can then be mastered) in standard and it would blow me away to see her show up in other places. Also, coming soon to a wizard fashion article near you.

    Daring Thief
    3/5
    I really like this one as well. If you are playing the nautilus deck this is another repeatable targeter.

    Dictate of Kruphix
    3.5/5
    Everyone pretty much knows how howling mines work by now, right? You can’t really just play them for value because they backfire too often, but if you’re doing something gross they can help a lot. Another thing that can help a lot if you’re doing something gross? Latex bedsheets.

    Font of Fortunes
    2/5
    Unless you are doing stupid enchantment tricks, you are probably going to just want divination almost all of the time. Note that the blue constellation cards are both awful.

    Godhunter Octopus
    0/5
    Big words for someone who only starts with two loyalty who’s threatening someone who makes creatures unblockable.

    Hour of Need
    3/5
    This is a pretty reasonable rate for turning little (and really big guys on the other side) guys into Air Elementals. For the maximum blowout, cast this in response to Silence the Believers. Note that if you have a Dakra Mystic and your opponent has a Desecration Demon, for 5 mana you’re suddenly dead even on guys, which is pretty nice.

    Hubris
    1/5
    It takes a weird metagame for this to be better than Voyage’s End but post rotation there’s gonna be a lot of bestow and heroic relative to other mechanics so this could end up being a player. In which case, it can return a creature to it’s own hand.

    Hypnotic Siren
    4.5/5
    This seems to be consensus playable in monoblue devotion, which means it’s pretty much a lock to see play, if not now than when Judge’s Familar and Cloudfin Raptor both take the long walk into eternal formats.

    Interpret the Signs
    1.5/5
    I interpreted them, apparently they mean “planet mostly covered in water, do not land here if you are allergic to it.” Also they said “play opportunity, moron.”

    Kiora’s Dismissal
    1.5/5
    “Tentacles or gtfo.“

    Pin to the Earth
    .5/5
    “and loses flying.” Right? Come on wizards, frickin’ amateur hour up in here.

    Polymorphous Rush
    2/5
    I keep reading this card and I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to put emrakul into play with it. The thing it does is an interesting thing but it’s no polymorph.

    Pull from the Deep
    3.5/5
    I really really like this. Are you interested in recurring a Supreme Verdict and a Sphinx’s Revelation? How about a Rakdos’s Return and a Hero’s Downfall?

    Riptide Chimera
    1.5/5
    Remember how many people were excited about Fettergeist? Remember how many people actually played Fettergeist? Do you remember Larry? I’ll never forget about Larry.

    Rise of Eagles
    0/5
    I heard some people talking just the other day, and they said they were gonna put this card on a shelf. That’s a fine place for it, if you don’t want to put it in a trash can.

    Sage of Hours
    3/5
    This is one of those cards I like more in eternal formats. If you can cast five spells a turn, Forgotten Ancient gets you infinite. IF you can cast five spells a turn repeatedly, you probably don’t need to have a forgotten ancient (or a sage of hours) in play to win, though.

    Scourge of Fleets
    1.5/5
    This card, guys. Momir Basic. How many islands do you have? Is it a vanilla 6/6? Is it a plague wind? Should have played around it! This guy has a shot in standard, especially if there is a stupid tokens deck that monoblue can’t beat but takes forever to beat monoblue.

    Sigiled Starfish
    1/5
    Is anyone playing Omenspeaker? This is only good if things are getting long, which is the same reason your mom can’t get enough of me.

    Thassa’s Devourer
    2/6 (just kidding, that’s it’s power and toughness, it’s actually a 0/5 rating)
    If you manage to cast all four of these, you will have milled 20 cards. You’re not even halfway done. Come on thassa, at least Kiora’s stupid worthless monster is beefy. You’re making the gods look bad.

    Thassa’s Ire
    3.5/5
    I like this. It’s cheap up front for expensive repeatable removal that does inspired tricks. This beats aetherling and most other fatties, gets you added value out of Underworld Connections.

    Triton Cavalry
    2/5
    I don’t really understand this card. Or rather, I understand it, I just can’t fit it into the metagame. 2/4 is a little small (we have some 3/4’s for 4 doing nothing right now) and 4 mana is a bit much for the current heroic decks. You can pair it with Agoraphobia to bounce your opponent’s enchantments over and over again but at 5 mana a shot they need to have something pretty impressive for it to be worth it.

    Triton Shorestalker
    5/5
    Dude, she’s not interested in you, and the phone calls need to stop. Just accept it and go back to your merfolk tribal eternal decks.

    War-Wing Siren
    1/5
    This is almost there but unless the metagame bends around magma spray this doesn’t seem quite like where you want to be.

    Whitewater Naiads
    0/5
    Yeah, this agoraphobia deck is gonna be sick! I mean suck, it’s gonna suck.

    Black

    Agent of Erebos
    2.5/5
    This seems good. It’s a sideboard-only card for the most part, but it’s good there. If this were a regular dude with a one shot trigger instead of a constellation guy I wouldn’t like it nearly as much, but this guy actually is a lot closer to rest in peace than tormod’s crypt because if they don’t deal with him their stuff is going to keep getting exiled. If you are playing my G/B constellation deck, be aware that this guy exists both when you are building your sideboard and when you are playing against someone with swamps.

    Aspect of Gorgon
    .5/5
    This is not completely unplayable but you probably just want gorgon’s head most of the times you would consider this.

    Bloodcrazed Hoplite
    2/5
    “Gods damn it, this was a brand new cuirass!” This guy is neat. I would rather they just made a heroic spike cannibal at uncommon, but this guy is at least a 2/1 for 2 that grows. I’ll be honest, I keep hearing about a UB heroic deck but I don’t know anything about it so I don’t know if you want this guy or not.

    Brain Maggot
    5/5
    They couldn’t just call it “Ear Worm?” I know I’m going to be humming this guys tune repeatedly for the duration of his stay in standard.

    cast into darkness
    0/5
    The only time anything similar to this saw play, it was a one mana version that actually killed mana dorks and you were playing it because thragtusk warped the entire format and resisted traditional removal. Last I checked, thragtusk is long gone so I don’t think this is going to be doing much work.

    Cruel Feeding
    1/5
    This art is horrifying. Look at it. What the hell is going on? Were those things people before this spell got cast?

    Dictate of Erebos
    4/5
    Somebody must have made a grave pact with the devil to get this card printed. They’ll have to sacrifice a goat now…but so will each of their opponents.

    Doomwake Giant
    3/5
    Ha! We finally have a good answer to lingering souls AND falkenrath aristocrat!

    Dreadbringer Lampads
    0/5
    When I opened these guys at the prerelease I misread their name as “Deadfinger Lamphands.” Which is obviously way way better. Hire me as creative director, wizards.

    Extinguish All Hope
    3.5/5
    So, this card has a lot going on. If it’s a 6 mana damnation, it’s pretty bad. If it’s a 6 mana damnation that misses one of their guys, it’s awful. If it’s a 6 mana plague wind, that’s pretty sweet. Also sometimes it just does nothing. So, in order to maximize this, you’re going to want to pretty much only run enchantment guys, and you want your opponents to not have enchantment guys. One of those things you can control, and one of them is just getting lucky with pairings. Right now I think this is definitely good enough, but if the metagame ever starts having decks with lots of enchantmans then you will have to cut this.

    Feast of Dreams
    2.5
    And when you cut extinguish all hope because enchantmans are everywhere, this little guy will be waiting!

    Felhide Petrifier
    2/5
    This is a minotaur, which means it is required by law to be 2/3. As a 2/3, this isn’t bad, because it can trade for big guys, and it makes all your other 2/3’s trade with bigger guys too.

    font of return
    1.5/5
    6 mana for three cards is not great, but when you know they’ll all be spells that effect the board it’s little easier to get a good return on your investment. I think this is potentially playable but not a lock. Also, I think a lot of players will want a returning font once they get a good look at some m15 cards.

    Gnarled Scarhide
    3.5/5
    This is a good little duder. Unlike the two mana can’t block enchantment, this one also has two other modes that both apply pressure. Black has a bunch of great one drops now, but one of them rotates so even if this guy isn’t great now he may show up later.

    Grim Guardian
    2/5
    I like this guy. If you are playing a dedicated constellation deck, this guy should be good for about two points of evasive damage per turn, and he does well on blocking duty.

    King Macar, the Gold-Cursed
    2/5 (playability)
    0/5 (flavor)
    This guy teams up well with Rogue’s Passage and various other stuff that makes him hard to block. For casual you can put Pemmin’s Aura on him and play opposition and then you are just being ridiculous which is the best way to play casual.

    Master of the Feast
    4/5
    This guy is good but his drawback is real. You need to have a plan to get around it. Generally the best plan will be “kill them real quick” but you may also just want to give this guy hexproof or something so even if they draw removal it won’t save them.

    Nightmarish End
    1.5/5
    The two mana version of this isn’t seeing much play, but UB isn’t seeing any play either so that may be why. If Silence the Believers didn’t exist I would be kind of interested in this as an alternative to Gild for killing incarnated gods, but silence is so absurd that I think this is not going to show up anywhere.

    Nyx Infusion
    0/5
    This really needed to cost less and have a bigger impact, kind of like a missile made of fabrege eggs.

    Pharika’s Chosen
    1/5
    This would be a 2/5 if Baleful Eidolon weren’t offering a cheap 1/1 deathtouch with an upside.

    Returned Reveler
    1/5
    Three cards is just not a lot of milling for something that takes work to trigger. Also, a satyr that comes back from the dead to party but he’s so bad at partying he makes everyone sad is a good plot for a Rob Schneider movie.

    Ritual of the Returned
    1/5
    So, here we are, back at the “how much would you pay for a giant vanilla creature” game. And I gotta say, I don’t like the numbers here, because this adds a lot of layers of extra effort onto the game. Instead of “Pay 4, have 6/6” you have to put a 6/6 into your graveyard first. Four mana for a giant black creature is playable (desecration demon) and being instant speed helps, but this is just so much work.

    Rotted Hulk
    0/5
    If you are in the market for a 2/5 vanilla creature for 4 then…shop at a different market. This one’s full of decaying seamen.


    Silence the Believers
    4/5
    Shut up! No you shut up! For seven mana, they both shut up. This just kills almost everything. Gods, regenerators, indestructible guys, bestows. I would keep some Hero’s Downfalls for planeswalkers, but this card is just sweet.


    Spiteful Blow
    .5/5
    I can’t really see this seeing play. And I also can’t unsee this as an ass in a thong thanks to that photoshop one of you guys posted with the crackgate guy.


    Squelching Leeches
    2.5/5
    This guy can be really beefy, but in exchange you don’t get to play temples of Mutavaults. Worth it? Not right now, but we’ll see how desperate we are for a beefy four drop when Demon rotates.


    Thoughtrender Lamia
    1/5
    This is a really big Ravenous Rats! There’s a slim chance somebody wants a really big Ravenous Rats but I don’t think that’s me.


    Tormented Thoughts
    2/5
    So, Mind Rot is fringe playable. I think for this to be better than mind rot, you either need to get the creature for free (and have it be large enough to hit 2+ cards) or you need to be getting an EV of four or more cards off of this. I think you can make that happen, but it may not be worth the effort.


    Worst Fears
    3.5/5
    Buy these now, guys. A dollar is a great price for a Mindslaver effect.

    Red

    Akroan Line Breaker
    1.5/5
    “tee-hee, I totally stole these axes and nobody is noticing.”
    I think this guy is one mana too expensive.


    Bearer of the Heavens
    2.5/5
    This guy would be unplayable in a lot of formats, but in this one there are a couple neat tricks you can do. One is rescue from the underworld. Another is to just have a god or two left over after the heavens fall, since he won’t kill them with his trigger. Keranos, God of Storms is probably the best guy for this since he lets you recover quickly and also provides a clock and good defense against one drop creatures. You can also have a lotleth troll, which lets you discard this guy if he is dead early or if you are on the reanimator plan. A couple things that don’t work: Planeswalkers are not immune to the destruction, and neither are enchantments. Bestowed creatures will also get nuked instead of turning into guys. I don’t necessarily expect this guy to see play but if my opponent gets on into play I won’t be too surprised.


    Bladetusk Boar
    0/5
    I’ve seen this card reprinted so many times I’m bladetusk bored.


    Blinding Flare
    2/5
    Should also give protection from gorgons. This is a neat way to trigger heroic guys and/or get damage through. I happen to have been given a list that want’s both of this things, so I expect this to see play in one of my decks, if nowhere else.


    Cyclops of Eternal Fury
    .5/5
    If you are upset your seven drops don’t have haste, have I got a card for you. for you to not play with. You should probably also not play with all those seven drops. Here, let me tell you about Hammer of Purphuros.


    Dictate of the Twin Gods
    3/5
    So, apparently Iroas and Mogis are twins. So like, their mom banged a half horse, half bull, and had twins, and one of them got the bottom half of their dad, and one of them got the top half of their dad. You know what? That’s basically actually how Greek mythology worked, kudos flavor team. In standard I think this card is reasonable, just be careful not to take 20 damage in one turn from an Aetherling and a Mutavault because you flashed this in against U/W thinking “They don’t really play any creatures, so…”


    Eidolon of the Great Revel
    3.5/5
    I can’t be the only person in the world who wants to put unflinching courage on this guy, right?


    Flamespeaker’s Will
    2/5
    This is close but niche. I will keep it in my mind but probably not in my decks.


    Flurry of Horns
    FURRY OF PORNS
    That’s why there’s two of them, right? And why they’re in a hurry? And perfectly sized to bounce off of each other now matter how rough they get? You’re welcome.


    font of ire
    1/5
    I’m not really interested in this effect unless the rate is insane or it can hit creatures. “But it can hit a player for 5 at instant speed! For four mana!” Yawn.


    Forgeborn Oreads
    3/5
    Red is not traditionally a color that plays enchantment theme decks but this card is pretty sweet. The body is good at applying pressure and the ability is good at preventing chump blocks, so they’re going to have to trade something okay or get punched for 4. The interaction between this and Hammer of Purphuros looks pretty stupid on paper, as well.


    Gluttonous Cyclops
    0/5
    It is a good thing they printed Eye Gouge, otherwise this guy would have just completely destroyed every constructed format. As well as every all you can eat buffet.


    Harness by Force
    4/5
    In pretty much every format where a red aggressive deck sees play, it wants to sideboard the best threaten. Red aggressive decks are reasonable, and this is ridiculous. This is potentially good enough for modern in that monored skred koth deck.


    Knowledge and Power
    2/5
    5 is a bunch of mana for this effect but the scrying enablers in standard are pretty great. Not only can you play a bunch of lands that scry, you also get modern playable card magma jet as well as fated conflagration and various goodies from other colors. Unfortunately, standard seems to be full of guys that either kill you before you get to untap with a 5 mana enchantment, or happily ignore 2 damage, so those free temple scrys are unlikely to kill anything relevant.


    Lightning Diadem
    0/5
    I am super interested in this card if they ever print it at the correct cost of 2RR.


    Magma Spray
    4.5/5
    Good old rock. Nothing beats rock. Especially when it’s superheated at the core of the Earth and held until the perfect moment to sneak up behind a Voice of Resurgence and pour it down its pants.


    Mogis’s Warhound
    2.5/5
    This dog will sit on any creature, but it won’t stay.


    Pensive Minotaur
    0/5
    Geez Elspeth, Can’t a guy take a post-battle crap in peace?


    Prophetic Flamespeaker
    4.5/5
    This seems to me like the kind of card where people will be kind of indecisive about it and then they cast it one time and look at their hand and just cackle maniacally. (this happens to me ALL THE TIME.)


    Riddle of Lightning
    2/5
    I would want to be getting an EV of about four from this to want it, which is actually pretty difficult without really running expensive cards to ‘combo’ with.


    Rollick of Abandon
    1/5
    I am pretty ready to abandon this card.


    Rouse the Mob
    2/5
    I wish they had also printed a card called “Douse the Mob” that did the opposite of this.


    Satyr Hoplite
    2/5
    If you’ve been holding out for a red hero that grows, then this guy is that guy.


    Sigiled Skink
    2/5
    LOOK DAD, THAT SNOWCONE TURNED MY TONGUE BLUE AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHH


    Spawn of Thaxes
    1/5
    Look, guys. We had 15 Gods, 11 other legendary creatures, and 5 planeswalkers in this block. Maybe you could have named the giant dragon after one of them? “Spawn of Purphuros.” There. How hard was that?


    Spite of Mogis
    3/5
    It is not very hard to hit three damage with this, which is where I want to be. It is a little iffy if you can kill a pack rat on turn two, though. Also, why doesn’t mogis want to punch players? Come on flavor team, you did alright this set but there’s some issues.


    Starfall
    1/5
    Since the damage on this five mana card is limited to three, I rate this card as a 3. In limited.


    Twinflame
    2/5
    Somebody should start a website with a clock on it that lets us know when this card turns 18


    Wildfire Cerberus
    0/5
    Holmes set his pipe down gently and turned to face me. “You see, Watson, the hound didn’t glow because it was a ghost. It glowed, quite simply, because it had magical monster fire pouring from every orifice. There is a rational explanation for everything.”


    Green

    Bassara Tower Archer
    2.5/5
    I hate hexproof so much. If hexproof gets to be a thing forever then I want Force of Will and Chainer’s Edict in every core set so I can try to deal with it. We can’t have stone rain, because then players don’t get to play their thorn elementals, but it’s fine if I don’t get to cast Dreadbore and Putrefy because why, exactly?


    Colossal Heroics
    1.5/5
    Still mad about hexproof.


    Consign to Dust
    2/5
    This card is actually pretty sweet. It’s a little pricy though, compared to something like wear//tear or stomp and howl. If it were easier on the mana I would be a fan, as is this might see play if your deck is color limited due to wanting devotion or playing commander or whatever.


    Desecration Plague
    0/5
    If it said “and” instead of “or” I miiiiiiight be interested. As it is, do you really care so much about killing enchantmans that you will give up the planeswalker and artifact functions on your Bramblecrush? I hope when all these enchantmans are gone we get acidic slime back.


    Dictate of Karametra
    2/5
    If you want to do the Enter the Infinite/Borborygmos Enraged thing in standard you have what, 5 months to try and make it work? But you probably only have two or three weeks to win a daily and get your name attached to the list before travis woo streams the deck and goes 0-6.


    Eidolon of Blossoms
    3.5/5
    Enchantmantrips. Enchantmanstress. Draw Enchantmengine. Pretty much not matter how they deal with this thing you end up ahead. And if they don’t deal with it, you also end up ahead. And if you are Max Headroom, you’re a head then as well!


    Font of Fertility
    3/5
    The original art for this card had a naiad and a satyr but that one ended up taped to the wall in the RnD men’s room.
    Golden Hind
    2.5/5
    Apparently Leaf Gilder is playable now? I guess the trick was to give it a completely irrelevant creature type. And not print Peppersmoke.


    Goldenhide Ox
    0/5
    Remember that scene from goldfinger where the lady was covered in gold paint and then died from being covered in gold paint? This is exactly like that, except with an ox, and it didn’t die, and presumably james bond didn’t have sex with it but of those three the last one is the one I wouldn’t put any money on.


    Hero’s Bane
    1/5
    If an infinite life gain deck shows up in standard this guy plus Kalonian Hydra are you go to dudes for doing an arbitrarily large amount of damage before the clock runs out.


    Humbler of Mortals
    0/5
    “Constellation – Whenever humbler of mortals or another enchantment enters the battlefield under your control, target non-god creature loses all abilities and becomes 1/1 until end of turn.”


    Come on wizards, you printed Snakeform, we all know green gets to do this now.


    Hydra Broodmaster
    2/5
    This is potentially the best thing you can do with all the mana you saved up with Kruphix, God of Horizons in block constructed, which means it may also be a thing in post rotation standard. This is also probably fine as just an Armada Wurm variant if you are in the market for one of those.


    Kruphix’s Insight
    2/5
    I think if you are willing to restrict your decklist enough you can make this be slightly better than divination, and divination is about an inch over the right side of the standard playable line so if you want to play this card you should be able to without feeling bad about it.


    Market Festival
    0/5
    There is way better ramp available in this block.


    Nature’s Panoply
    0/5
    You get a +1/+1 counter! And you get a +1/+1 counter! And…


    Nessian Game Warden
    4/5
    I was really worried that I would get all the way through the set before I found a creature whose power rating was the same as it’s power and toughness but we finally got there! Usually they put this kind of effect on like a 1/1 for 3 or a 2/2 for 4 but they finally gave us one that can attack and block respectably. You do need to be rocking some forests to make this work, but I don’t think that will be enough to leash this beast.


    Oakheart Dryads
    1/5
    If this were a +1/+1 counter instead of a temporary boost this guy would be okay, as it is I think it’s pretty bad unless you can generate a huge number of triggers in one turn.


    Pheres-Band Thunderhoof
    0/5
    THUNDER
    THUNDER
    THUNDER
    THUNDER
    HOOF
    THUNDER
    HOOF
    *metal guitar solo*
    *gratuitous nudity*


    Pheres-Band Warchief
    2/5
    Guys I don’t think this is a thing? This isn’t a thing, right? Centaurs? Not a thing. Calling it.


    Ravenous Luecrocota
    0/5
    I checked the internet and it’s spelled “leucrocotta” and also it’s from ethiopian mythology not greek mythology. Therefore I award this card no stars and may the gods have mercy on your soul.


    Renowned Weaver
    1.5/5
    I would expect a renowned weaver to have a cooler outfit. Come on art team, step up your game, the flavor guys did a great job on the rest of the card.


    Reviving Melody
    2/5
    Hmm, I think this goes in most of the same decks as kruphix’s insight and there’s no way you want playsets of both. Depending on how much yard hate is floating around either could be the correct call, or a split.


    Satyr Grovedancer
    .5/5
    This should have been a spell that made a token and put a +1/+1 counter on target creature. It wouldn’t be able to make a 2/2 on an empty board but it would trigger heroic and that would make it more interesting.


    Setessan Tactics
    3.5/5
    Nooo, Predator Ooze, come back, I’m sorry we said all those mean things about how when you go to the movies you get popcorn and skittles stuck all over you.


    Solidarity of Heroes
    ?/5
    What is this I don’t even


    Spirespine
    0/5
    Remember this if you get confused


    Stalactites stick “tite” to the ceiling


    Stalagmites “mite” get to the ceiling


    Spirespines a”spire” to not be thrown in the garbage


    Strength from the Fallen
    3/5
    It should be trivial to get like +15/+15 out of one of these things in the right deck, but if they kill your graveyard this card does brick nothing


    Swarmborn Giant
    1/5
    So, we start the green review by complaining about hexproof, and end it with a card that should have definitely had it. You can never maindeck this card and it’s questionable out of the sideboard. 6/6 for 2GG isn’t even really that absurd, for 2GG you can get a 5/5 with no drawback except legendary and a way better monstrous ability.


    Multicolored

    Ajani, Mentor of Heroes
    3/5
    From now on when I read flavor text quoting Ajani it’s gonna be in Danny DeVito’s voice.


    Athreos, God of Passage
    2/5
    I don’t like this guy nearly as much as some people do. Scavenging Ooze is still a card, guys. You can yell about sticking it to the U/W control players all you want but you should remember that most lists are playing over a dozen answers to enchantments MAINDECK so how often are they actually going to just lose to your God? Not often.

    Desperate Stand
    0/5
    Theros block has, according to gatherer, exactly one Knight, and it’s heroic. I’m going to give full credit to the dev team for slipping this pun into the block. Good job guys. Keep up the good work.


    Disciple of Deceit
    3/5
    Now reprint Opposition


    Fleetfeather Cockatrice
    2.5/5
    I heard that this card was going to replace fleetfeather magic workstation but I don’t know if it actually has yet


    Iroas, God of Victory
    2/5
    I don’t think any of the R/W decks that exist right now actually want this card.


    Keranos, God of Storms
    3.5/5
    Keranos is definitely the god of storms, since he really struggles to kill an opponent if they start the game with Leyline of Sanctity


    Kruphix, God of Horizons
    2/5
    I think the rewards are there for this guy, but the cost of playing a 5 drop that doesn’t really do anything the turn you cast it is very real. You need to have your shields up before you can start going nuts.
    Nyx Weaver
    2.5/5
    It’s a shame this exiles itself, we could have gotten really cute with it and some of the other goodies in this set. As is I think it’s still decent and it’s value obviously goes up if you care about it being an enchantman.


    Pharika, God of Affliction
    3/5
    Pharika is good buddies with Doomwake Giant. Exile all the guys from their yard, then exile one guy from your yard to bomb all their snakes. Repeat as necessary. If your opponent isn’t abusing the graveyard, Pharika just gums up the board on your side, shutting down your opponents ground forces while you draw into enough mana symbols to turn her into a creature.


    Revel of the Fallen God
    1.5/5
    I think you need to be playing some kind of mass pump spell like dictate of heliod or something for this to be worth it, as 7 mana for an 8/8 haste that gets eaten in pieces by Nightveil Specters and Master of Waves is just not enough value straight up.


    Stormchaser Chimera
    1/5
    I got a memo saying that this was the chase card from the new set but I’m not convinced


    Underworld Coinsmith
    4/5
    This guy seems nuts. Like, just completely ignore the constellation ability for a second. This is a 2/2 for 2 that has 2, pay one life: target opponent loses 1 life. That’s pretty sweet. Now add the constellation back in. Even better! If there is a W/B aggro deck I think this guy belongs in it regardless of how many other enchantments are in the list, which is not something that’s true of most constellation cards.


    Colorless

    Armory of Iroas
    0/5
    I don’t think we’re desperate enough for creature pump to play Banshee’s Blade.


    Chariot of Victory
    2/5
    It’s weird, doc. Every time I play cards with victory in the name, I lose the game. What are the odds?


    Deserter’s Quarters
    0/5
    The hotel room is inside a metal statue of a bull? And it costs HOW MUCH mana for one turn’s stay? Forget it, I’ll just stay in Thass’as giant clam. Stop snickering, mister.


    Gold-Forged Sentinel
    0/5
    Another flavor fail, you can cast this without sacrificing a single gold token.


    Hall of Triumph
    2/5
    This is a great card…FOR ME TO POOP ON


    Mana Confluence
    4/5
    So like, when the gods came to Theros, was it just a big empty hole where a plane could be built except also there were these rivers? And the gods were like yeah, sweet, we get the rivers for free, guess rivers are taken care of!


    Temple of Epiphany
    3.5/5
    I’m sure if I wait long enough a joke about this card will suddenly come to me


    Temple of Malady
    3.5/5
    So, in ancient Theros there were three forms of drama. There was comedy, which was a drama in which one or more of the characters was depicted as doing something stupid or ridiculous. There was tragedy, which was a bit more serious in nature, and then there was malady, which is what happened to poets who wrote comedies about Pharika.

    That’s it! That’s all the cards! Every card from Journey Into Nyx. On the whole, I’m pretty excited about this set. There are lots of neat cards, both to build around and to just put into any deck and enjoy.




  • Chinese Counterfeits Force US Treasury to Revise Bills

    The recent stream of extremely well forged dollar bills flooding all markets has forced the United States Treasury to take action. On January 16th, a new bill design was presented to representatives of the press.

    “All dollar bills have been given a copyright notice that really stands out to the viewer,” a spokesperson stated. “The darn Chinese counterfeiters won’t be able to miss it!”

    You’ll also notice a little silver oval in the bottom center of the portrait of old Franklin. That’s a new unique holofoil stamp that the US Treasury will be applying to all rare and mythic rare bills going forward.

    “This stamp makes those bills feel more special, as well as guarantees authenticity,” the spokesperson said. “Certainly the Chinese can’t create holographic stickers and insert them into cardboard.”

    dollar_big

    measures to the bills does not come without new costs, however. To finance the increasing costs for printing these bills with added security measures, printing operations have been outsourced to a large company in the Tianjin province (天津市), China.





  • The Power Nine Story: The Myr

    It’s finally time for some vintage again. You’ve travelled several hundreds, if not thousands, of miles by car to get here. When you finally slump down into the quite uncomfortable chair besides the table, the stiff plastic texture of the seat makes you painfully and literally remember every travelled bump in the road. But this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Your hands eagerly move to open your backpack and bring out a large book on the table, inconspicuously named  ‘The New English Dictionary’.

    As you open it, you reveal a hidden safe inside the book, with a deck box inside, to the empty room around you. Inside that deck box is a pile of 75 carefully double-sleeved playing cards. Even though your deck is partially white-bordered, there’s something special about shuffling it. It is after all a $5000 deck; you make sure to take your time and to be more careful than usual. Besides, any card could be a power nine card, and those nine cards alone make out more than two thirds of your deck’s value. Don’t screw this up now. It’ll end in 0-4, drop, beer, of course, but for now let’s focus on winning. It looks like 7 or 8 other people have arrived with legal decks, so let’s get this show on the road.

    Playing vintage can be almost be a religious experience, and today we’re revisiting the mid-nineties to tell the story of the most powerful cards ever printed in Magic. These are, of course,  the power nine: the powerful mana artifact Gilded Lotus, the winning draw spell Thoughtcast, the turn-tabler Time Warp, the five ultra-speed mana sources Gold Myr, Silver Myr, Leaden Myr, Iron Myr, Copper Myr and the complete game-changer Worldslayer. In this first article, we will focus on telling the story of the Myr.

    Gold MyrSilver Myr

    Originally printed in the first Magic set ever, back in 1993, it is obvious that Richard Garfield had no idea as to what he was doing when he designed these cards. Not only do these artifacts produce mana, they walk and fight!

    Leaden MyrIron Myr

    The Myr are also the first example of mana fixing artifacts, where you take colorless mana as input and are able to produce colored mana as output. This invention alone made the Myr sought-after gemstones, with Silver Myr reaching nearly $100 as early as 1995.

    Copper Myr

    The splendid artwork by Kev Walker, at the time under the fictitious alias ‘xerent’, has accumulated much affection over the years. Walker later returned to depict the less-appreciated Moxen common artifact cycle in the Mirrodin set, printed in 2003. (The artwork for that cycle featured silly robots without googly eyes over weird backdrops, and it never gained much attraction.)

    Gold Myr artwork

    Silver Myr artwork

    Leaden Myr artwork

    Iron Myr artwork

    Copper Myr artwork

  • HardCORE! THEROS Strategy Primer for Prereleasing LIKE MEN!

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.

    Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the prerelease has not yet occurred. Our apologies to Jethro, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.


    HI! I’m new to strategy writing, I’m an old fashioned pro-player; I like my cards unstamped and my drafts rotisserie. I’ve been playing since the 80’s back when Magic was HARDCORE: Don’t like It: SUCK IT! And by it I mean Magic. Wanna Be a great player, Wanna make the Pro-Tour? You can’t! Not with that attitude. My Magic training is the best there is and it’s not cheap and it is nasty and I don’t take wannabee’s! SO BUCKLE UP.

    My Name’s Jethro, and if you want to not SUCK IT(And By IT I STILL MEAN MAGIC!) this is what you should be reading: Ready?

    STEP 1: DRAFT LIKE A MAN!

    Quick what’s the first pick from this pack!















    Quicker than that you’ve only got 38 seconds left to make this decision. Why 37? ’cause you spent the fist minute reading the introduction to this article. C’mon now 20 seconds!

    .
    .
    .

    WRONG!

    You made the wrong decision and Now you’re going to lose. Your dreams will be crushed by some NOOB in the first round who taps his lands in different directions and isn’t EVEN using sleeves. Is that the Kinda Magic player you WANT to be: IS IT? Because Noone and I mean Noone has ever had fun LOSING MAGIC! Oh they might say they had fun, they might offer their hand and say it was a ‘good game’: know what I do to losers who say good game, I punch them in the Mouth That’s what! And If I get disqualified by some Bastard Judge who’s got pimples and massive glasses: GOOD! Because I’ve opened such a terrible pack remaining in this tournament is a waste of time. That’s your first lesson Write it down, while I drink whisky and invent STEP 2!

    Lesson 1: If you open a pack THIS BAD the best thing to do is quit and join another Queue.

    STEP 2: IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FISH AND MOVES LIKE A FISH: HIT IT WITH A HAMMER.

    Quick! Look at this card from Theros and evaluate it for limited play:

    Quicker than that! Is that how slow you’re going to evaluate cards in your pre-release sealed?!?!’Cause you’ve got over 100 cards to evaluate and if you go that slowly you won’t have time to submit a deck and will be disqualified from the Pro tour: TRUE STORY! [1]

    Anyway, back to the card at hand. The correct answer (Once you finally got there, well done genius Clap Clap) is that no card in limited can be evaluated in a vacuum, every card has other cards it DEPENDS on, for instance this Card depends on 3 lands to cast it: Rubbish! 1 card depending on 3 cards; lands are for NOOBS throw it on the scrapheap.

    THAT’S your second lesson: Why aren’t you already writing it down whilst I drink Whisky and Think about TITS!

    Lesson 2: Lands are for Noobs: Real men just play there cards and hope noone notices That’s how things were back in my day. [2]

    STEP 3: INTERLUDE!

    IF I could rant for a second: ELSPETH IS WEARING TO MANY CLOTHES IN THIS ART!

    You call that body armor?!? This is Body Armor:

    Oh YEAH!

    STEP 4: THE VISUAL SPOILER!

    Some (idiots mostly) say that you should always religiously study the visual spoiler before taking part in a Pre-release in order to play around Tricks and removal your opponent might have. This is Nonsense. After all, knowing every trick isn’t important, you just need to know the ones ACTUALLY in your opponents hand.

    Doing this can be tricky, and my methods vary; the secret is to never use the same TRICK twice; or three times if you’re drunk enough; always try to isolate your opponent from their hand, ask THEM to go get a judge to answer your question, the second they look away: start riffling through their cards. Hell if there’s enough time you can even start going through their deck to see what goodies lie there; and if you’re caught just claim it’s your own deck and put it on top of yours, then get them disqualified for Rules Infraction: ‘Not having a deck!’ (This REALLY works) [3]

    That’s your fifth lesson: write it down while I drink WHISKY and meditate on the complexities of the human condition, and how love, kindness and respect are the keys to a satisfied existence!

    Lesson 5: Always know your enemies (hand) intimately!

    SUMMING UP!

    Don’t read articles telling you how to be a great magic player; written by so called “’Pro’s’”. There’s only one trick to becoming a GREAT player and it rhymes with Whisky!

    Enjoy losing to me at the pre-release Fuckers,

    Jethro

    [1] [Ed: Jethro was disqualified from the Pro-Tour in 1996 for what the judge called “The most blatant, obvious and obnoxious cheating I have ever seen a player commit.” when whilst ‘shuffleing’ his opponents library, he went through it for all the non-lands and pocketed them.]

    [2] [Ed: It is believed Jethro is here referring to his second appearance on the Pro-Tour where he piloted affinity; he is famous for receiving more warnings and committing more infractions at this pro-tour than any player in history; including a warning for unsportsmanlike conduct when he set his opponents deck on fire. The head judge confesses that this should have been a disqualification but he was fascinated to “See what Jethro would do next.”]

    [3] [Ed: Jethro is talking about an incident at his third and final appearance at a Pro-Tour or indeed any competitive Magic event. He was placed 403rd despite there being only 351 players because, as one judge put it, “Get him out of here, get him out now.” When asked about the incident afterwards, he described himself as “The people’s Champion” for having shown up without qualification and playing under an assumed DCI number.]





  • 99 Solutions

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. The submission period has ended. Click here for more information.

    Note: Due to some scheduling issues, this article is being published late. You will have to envision a parallel world in which the contents of Theros are different than ours. Our apologies to TheGoodSoldier, and when the contest vote happens, let us make sure to evaluate the article in a “timely” mindset.


    You’re playing Standard. It’s turn five. You’re tapped out and your opponent slams a Thundermaw Hellkite.

    Standard everyday typicals.

    So what do you do? Take five of course. You don’t have any mana for a Counterspell or a Doom Blade, so you have no way to interact.

    This has been a major complaint amongst players for some time. Combat just isn’t very interactive. We’re hoping that Theros’ new Blocking mechanic will fix all of this. Take a look at this spicy meatball:

    Those are some big numbers there. Three power, five toughness, and ninety-nine Blocks. Just what is a Block, you ask? That’s all covered in the new Comprehensive Rules update! There’s a lot of text to go over, but the long and short of things is that the new Blocking mechanic allows any creature to Block an attacking creature, which we’re thinking will really shake up combat.

    As of now we’re not really sure how much of an impact this will have on games, and there are a few kinks to work out. Clearly this will make games go longer and will lead to busier board states, but we’re pretty uncertain as to how many Blocks a player will have to make every combat. We’re hoping that ninety-nine is enough, because we really want Blocking to be an important aspect of the game. We toyed around with templating a creature that could Block every opposing creature, but we couldn’t come up with a good name for such a card. Infinitely Handed One just didn’t sound nearly as clean.

    Anytime we make a change to the rules like this, we like to look back at Magic’s history and think about how different things would be then if the new rules were in place. It’s likely that Blocking would impact nearly every Pro Tour match ever played, but the biggest standout in our minds is the Pro Tour Dark Ascension Semifinal between Brian Kibler and Jon Finkel.

    In this match Kibler attacked Finkel with a Wolf token, knocking Finkel down to eight and leaving him dead to two Galvanic Blasts. Meanwhile, Finkel’s untapped Spirit tokens were powerless to help him. We caught up with Jon to ask him if this rules change altered the way he felt about this loss. Finkel had this to say:

    “The truth is, I’m not really sure that I would have made the Block anyway- it’s not like it would have been mandatory. He would have had to have the triple Blast, so I’m not exactly in any despair over the situation.”

    Between his words we see what we hope to be true about the new Block mechanic- it’s complex. We strive to make Magic as complex a game as possible, and we’re hoping that whether or not to Block will be as difficult as a decision as “Which creature type should I name with Cavern of Souls?” and “Which mode should I activate on my Garruk, Caller of Beasts?”

    Are you excited to start Blocking, or have we ruined Magic? Be sure to email Mark Rosewater personally with your thoughts. He loves reading them almost as much as he loved writing Roseanne. Send them to Aaron Forsythe, too. Somebody ought to tell you why you’re wrong.





  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part Five’

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.


    Previous installments:

    Part One
    Part Two
    Part Three
    Part Four

    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus,
    Part Five





    When I came to, I found myself chained to the wall of a dark, dank dungeon that smelled vaguely of swamp gas.
    Which wasn’t that surprising; that’s par for the course after a night with Liliana. What was surprising
    was seeing Chandra Nalaar down there. She and Liliana had set up a table with some folding chairs maybe ten feet
    away from me. They appeared to be playing some kind of card game I wasn’t familiar with, and they were so intent
    on it that they hadn’t noticed me waking up.

    “Thundermaw hellkite,” said Chandra Nalaar, laying a card onto the table and pumping her fist. “You’re dead.”

    “Hey, your hair is on fire,” said Liliana Vess. Chandra gasped and reached up to check. While she was distracted,
    Liliana scooped up a card she’d apparently had in her lap this whole time.

    Chandra glared at Liliana suspicously. “My hair’s always on fire.”

    “Yeah, sorry, my mistake. Snuff out your hellkite.”

    Chandra flipped the table, scattering all of their game pieces everywhere, and screamed in frustration. “I HATE
    this game!” She stood up and began to pace back and forth while muttering, her hair flaring up in bursts.

    Liliana righted the table. “Why don’t I go upstairs and get us some more wine?” She disappeared around a corner.
    Probably smart to give Chandra some time to cool off. Might even give me enough time to get some answers out of my
    “client.” I waited until I thought Liliana would be out of earshot.

    “So, Chandra. Fancy meeting you here. Did you know that Garruk Wildspeaker and Elspeth Tirel are out for blood
    because of this thing you’ve got going on with Liliana?”

    She paused and turned to look at me. “Oh, you’re awake. You knew about this? About us?”

    “I took a few beatings yesterday because they wanted to interfere with your plans. Would’ve been nice to have a
    heads-up about the angry planeswalkers on your tail. It would’ve saved me some heartache. And a lot of headache.”

    “It’s important to keep you on your toes, Bob.”

    “I can do that fine on my own.” I was starting to get pretty irritated. It’s important to keep that in check
    when you’re dealing with someone that can incinerate you with a thought, though. “You don’t seem particularly
    interested in my progress on your case. Don’t you at least want to know what kind of bill you’ve racked up so far?”

    “Oh, that,” she said. “I know who took my missing minus ability now, so I won’t be needing your services any more.”
    She grinned at me. “You’re fired.” That was another one from the short list of things red dames love to say. I flashed
    back to the fights my ex-wife and I used to have and braced myself for the usual firebolt followup to that phrase,
    but it didn’t come. Chandra, at least for the time being, wasn’t interested in killing me. Unlike Jaya. But it wasn’t
    the time or place to be thinking about old flames.

    “I was feeling pretty good about quitting anyway,” I said. “So who was it? That stole your ability.”

    “Oh, it turns out it was me.” Another one of those unexpected answers. Planeswalkers are just full of surprises.
    I was baffled.

    “It was you? Why would you do that?” If I could keep her talking, maybe I could get a chance to test my
    bonds without her noticing. And if I made it out of here, maybe I could sell the information to interested parties.
    I value client confidentiality right up until a client screws me over and stiffs me on the bill.

    She sighed. “No matter how well it would’ve worked out, they would’ve always compared me to Jace, the Mind Sculptor.
    I wasn’t going to settle for being the second to do something. The second best. Not when I had a shot to really
    make history.”

    “Make history, huh?” I wasn’t strong enough to pull the chains out of the walls, and the shackles were enchanted.
    Any significant physical or magical exertion and there would be some very bad mojo that I likely wouldn’t survive.
    Lily’s handiwork. She was thorough.

    “If M-Fourteen failed, the Wizards would have to turn up the heat. Take bigger risks. And Liliana and I would have
    the perfect idea ready for them. Instead of the second planeswalker with four abilities, how about the first dual
    planeswalker, a female-female couple?”

    “You and Liliana. But there’s one thing I don’t get – why did you hire me to find out who stole your minus ability when it was you?”

    “That’s easy,” said Chandra. “I forgot.”/p>

    “You forgot?” At that moment it was hard to say which I was feeling more: livid, or incredulous.
    But there was a healthy amount of both. “I took multiple beatings and pissed off two planeswalkers because
    you forgot?”

    “Bob, you’re not thinking about the big picture here. A female-female couple. Think of all the
    posters we could sell. And not just to Jace! With that kind of money, we could buy all the scrolls or chain
    veils or whatever MacGuffins that we want. And imagine the typeline – ‘Planeswalker – Chandra Liliana.’”

    “Or ‘Planeswalker – Liliana Chandra,’” said Liliana as she came back into the room holding two glasses of wine.
    “Chandra, dear, could you tell me exactly why you decided to tell Bob all about our plan? You know he’s just going
    to sell that information to the highest bidder, right?” I shrugged and nodded. No point trying to pretend it wasn’t true;
    Liliana knew better. She’d do the same thing in my shoes.

    “Who cares? Aren’t we just going to kill him anyway?” Chandra snapped her fingers, creating a spark
    which proceeded to dance across her knuckles.

    Liliana actually seemed surprised. “What? I hadn’t been planning to. Why did you think we were going to kill him?”

    “If we aren’t going to kill him, why did you bring him down here and lock him up in the first place?”

    Liliana was getting agitated. “I just… it’s just a thing I do, okay?” She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
    “I guess we have to kill him, now.”

    You could say I was dismayed at this turn of events. “Wait!” I said. “It’s true I’d have no qualms about selling
    information about your plan, but I actually really pissed off the only people I know of who might be interested,
    and I’m pretty sure they’d kill me before I got the chance to make an offer.”

    “I’m sure you could come up with something,” said Chandra. “Plus I think killing you would be fun.
    What else you got?”

    It was time to play my last card. “The information’s only worth anything if the plan’s actually good,
    right? But this plan doesn’t even make sense. If Chandra, Pyromaster wasn’t good enough to move M-Fourteen,
    what makes you think they’d be interested in using you for their next big push?”

    “It’s very simple,” said Liliana. “The reason they’d be interested is the tagline, of course:
    ‘We’re not bad, we’re just drawn that way.’”

    And then it hit me. “Steve Argyle,” I said. “Son of a bitch. It’s been him this whole time, hasn’t it? He’s behind every-”

    “I’m bored,” said Chandra Nalaar. “Hey Bob, check out this sweet minus ability!”

    It was no big surprise, really. I was shocked.

    As I closed my eyes on the way to the graveyard, I could faintly hear Liliana’s voice.
    “Come on, I only have like four of those guys.”

    Everything went black.

    Epilogue

    When I came to, I found myself in a pine box. I could see a little bit of light coming in through
    the cracks between the boards. Either I hadn’t been buried yet, or someone had seen fit to unbury me.
    And I had a pretty good idea of who it was.

    I balled my hands into fists and thrust them upward, putting a little magic behind the blow.
    The coffin lid shattered, leaving me looking up into a pale, moonlit sky. And into the face of
    Liliana Vess. “Good morning, Bob,” she said. “I wasn’t finished with you, yet. I have a job for you.”

    I got to my feet and dusted off my robes. “What does it take for a guy to be able
    to get some sleep around here?”

    She smirked at me. “Stop complaining. You can rest when you’re dead. Oh – sorry.”

    Of course she’d say that. She always says that.

    What does Liliana have in store for our hero? Will Elspeth and Garruk ever catch him? How drunk is Jace going to have to get him before he’d be willing to take Phage, the Untouchable out for a night on the town? Find out… some other time, because this story’s done.

    Oh, and Hans got eaten by the tarmogoyf back in Part One. So he’s dead.

    The End






  • Thousands Brace for Coming Hypocrisy

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.



    Around the world, Magic Online players are steeling themselves for an upcoming surge in hypocrisy coinciding with the Theros prerelease, feared to be the worst in recorded history.

    During this time, opinionated players will flood all available outlets with complaints about the pricing of these prerelease events, often as they are signed up for or participating in those same tournaments.

    “Ultimately, I am totally powerless to control myself and must ask a governing body to exercise restraint in my stead,” said a player only willing to be identified by his account handle, GlissaFunseeker.

    GlissaFunseeker can often be found in the Limited Events chat room between his matches offering startlingly poor business advice. While often threatening to quit the game, the player insists this sham is the final straw.

    “For years, I had considered [them] to be different from other businesses, in that it was designed to satisfy my every whim,” the player continued. “Now, I realize it’s only out to make a profit like every other rotten company.”

    A representative from Wizards of the Coast was contacted for this story who declined to be interviewed, but did provide an e-mailed statement as a reply.

    “We would not take advantage of our consumer base in this fashion, unless it was profitable. However, while Wizards of the Coast is happy to charge its customers more for an inferior service, we do advise everyone take extra care so as not to destroy their glass houses,” reads the statement.

    Those trying to escape the dread tide of stupidity are taking drastic measures to prepare.

    “I’ve already placed cardboard over parts of my screen so I will only be able to see the in-game interface,” said another player indentified as TwerkinthePlanes. “I also have infected most Magic discussion boards with malware to make them unavailable for commenting.”



  • Dark Confidant in ‘The Case of the Missing Minus, Part Four’

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    Previous installments:

    Part One
    Part Two
    Part Three

    Dark Confidant  
    in…

    The Case of the Missing Minus,
    Part Four





    When I came to, I had no idea where I was, which seemed to be the theme for the day. But in a welcome change,
    I didn’t actually hurt any more. I was laying prone and my cheek was stuck to something.

    I sat up and that something turned out to be a white leather couch. I was in what appeared to be the
    living room of a swankily decorated house. In front of me, a picture window gave me a beautiful view
    of a beach and a crystal-blue ocean.

    The walls were covered with framed posters, about half of which depicted angels, vampire women,
    and elvish rangers. You know, the cheesecake factor. The other half depicted the dwelling’s occupant,
    Jace Beleren, in a variety of mystical poses casting spells that clearly were doing nothing but looking
    impressive to laypeople. And this was definitely Jace’s place, and not just a shrine set up by some
    psychotic superfan of his. There were personal photographs of him all over the place. There he was, flashing
    devil horns with Niv-Mizzet, or with his arms around four members of the Stonybrook Synchronized
    Swimming Team, or-

    “Morning, brah!” said Jace Beleren, as he levitated into the room with a can of Cluestone Light.
    “Scoping the photos, huh? That one’s me with my roommates from the Alpha Beta Tappa House at the
    Tolarian Academy,” he said, pointing at the photo I was holding. “There’s Teferi, Arcanis, and Yu.”

    “That’s not me. I never even went to the Tolarian Academy.”

    “Not you, bro! Yu. Jarvis Yu. Awesome dude to hang out with. Could be a brick sometimes,
    though. I still remember when he went to the Spice Isles for Spring Break with this moonfolk chick named
    Tamiyo. Only it turned out that Tamiyo was Tami-bro. Dude was crushed. You know what I’m saying?”

    “Yeah.”

    “I mean, it turned out she had a-”

    “I got it, Jace.”

    He took a swig of his beer. “It was a real Olivia Voldaren moment.”

    I put the photo back where I’d found it. “Why am I here, Jace? And for
    that matter, why don’t I hurt? I didn’t know you’d picked up white magic.”

    He spread his arms wide. “I didn’t, bro. Didn’t you know? Healing’s totes
    in blue’s color pie, just like everything else.” He floated down onto the couch next to me.

    “Well, thanks, I guess. Back to the first question. Why am I here? Let me guess –
    you’re trying to meddle with whatever Chandra and Liliana are planning?”

    “No way, dude. What they’re planning is super hot. Though I wouldn’t mind coming between them.
    You smell what I’m cooking, bro?” He laughed and elbowed me in the ribs. “No, man, I brought
    you here for something way more important than Chandra’s missing minus ability.”

    “Yeah? What’s that?”

    He set his beer down on the coffee table, then put his hand on my shoulder
    and gave me what I guessed was the most serious look he could manage.
    “Bob. Dude. I need you to be my wingman.”

    I admit it. I hadn’t been expecting that. “What?”

    “Bro, I know you remember that time we went to Ulgrotha and partied at the An-Havva Inn.”

    “Yeah, I remember.” I wasn’t particularly proud of that night, either.

    “And those two chicks
    were there, Soraya and Reveka? Soraya was a little older than I usually go for, but man, she knew
    her way around a Squadron Hawk. And Reveka… woof! But luckily for me, you jumped right on that grenade!”
    He slapped my shoulder. “I gotta say, dude, I was proud of you that next morning at their place.
    You tapped her and she stayed tapped.” He emphasized the word “stayed” by balling his hands into
    fists and making a pelvic thrusting motion.

    Look, in my defense, I’d been really drunk. “Yeah, I remember. I’m not going back there with you.”

    He smirked at me. “Been there, done that, broski. No, we’re going to Otaria.”

    I considered. Jace Beleren knew almost everything, right up to the point where
    omniscience and free will collided. And sometimes beyond – he was blue, after all.
    He might be able to make my job much easier for me. I could probably even swing getting Chandra
    to buy a few drinks for me. Business expenses, you understand. “You know who took Chandra’s
    missing minus ability, don’t you?”

    He laughed. “Was there ever any doubt?”

    “If I go with you, will you tell me who it was?”

    “Anything for a bro.”

    It was tempting. Some people say they don’t like to take the easy way out. In my line of work,
    those people are dead. You can piss off one interdimensional being of nearly limitless power,
    and you can piss off another, but eventually you have to say enough is enough. Getting the answers
    from Jace and laying low for a while would undoubtedly be the best thing for my health. “All right,
    deal. I take it you have someone specific in mind?”

    “I do.” He conjured up an image for me, one I recognized. “Her name’s Akroma. She’s an angel,
    and she’s a honey. Carries around two kinds of protection. And she’s got haste, if you know what
    I mean. Only problem is, she’s always with this other chick.”

    Another image. I recognized this one, too. I could see where this was going, and I didn’t like it.
    “It’s like they’re joined at the hip
    or something. They’re basically inseparable. And there’s no way I’m touching her.
    So that’s where you come in. Get her away from Akroma, show her a good time, let me make my move,
    and next morning, you’ll have your info.”

    “You want me to spend the night with Phage, the Untouchable.” It would’ve been a great deal, if I
    hadn’t minded the idea of perishing horribly after having my skin seared off. “Much as I’d love for
    you to do my job for me, Jace, I’m gonna have to decline. Solving the case doesn’t do me much good
    if I’m too dead to collect my pay afterwards.”

    His demeanor took a sudden shift. The veneer of amicability peeled from his face, revealing the
    sociopathy and disdain beneath. Just what I wanted to do, incite another planeswalker. Three for three.
    “It’s not really up to you, bro,” he said, preparing to cast what I could only assume was a mind control
    spell.

    “Actually, I really think it is,” I said. And for the third time that day, I closed my eyes,
    reached deep into myself, and used my power to reveal Jace’s deepest, darkest secret.

    I saw a naked man, bent over, facing away from me, using his hands to stretch his…
    Look, you don’t want to know, and I don’t want to think about it any more. It was disgusting.
    I coughed, gagged, and started retching over the coffee table. Jace was literally rolling on
    the floor laughing.

    Once we’d both recovered, he was back to his old “friendly” self. “Oh, man, that was so sick,
    bro!” he said. “You walked right into it! Should’ve seen your face when you saw it. Wait, let me show you.”
    He conjured up an image of my face, a slow-motion reaction shot to the foul thing I’d just seen.

    “What the hell was that?” I asked.

    “I was doing a little scrying earlier and I had this sudden brainstorm,” he said.
    “I realized you were going to try that trick on me, and after that, your fate was sealed.
    Figured I’d give you a little glimpse of the unthinkable. You’re going to need more than a
    thought scour to get that out of your head.” He chuckled.

    “Well, now you’ve had your fun. Since you brought me here in the first place, mind bouncing
    me back to my office? Don’t know if the Wizards’ lair is really the best place for me to be right now.”

    He looked doubtful. “You sure you don’t want to take your chances with Phage, bro?”

    “You mean, I could lose my shot at a horrible, painful death? Yeah, I’m sure.”

    He shrugged. “All right, man. Peace.” My stomach flip-flopped again, and I was back in my office.
    No sign of Hans. The tarmogoyf attack had probably scared the hell out of him. He would’ve found a
    hiding place somewhere safely far away from my office.

    Which, it only belatedly occurred to me, I probably should have done, too. My office was the obvious
    first place for Elspeth or Garruk to come looking for me. Coming back here had been a stupid mistake,
    and in my line of work, stupid mistakes get you killed. Best thing to do now would be to get out, fast.

    I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt the pressure of hands on my shoulders. I spun around,
    the words to a spell on the tip of my tongue, ready to cut loose with a doom blade at whoever or
    whatever had been waiting for me. But I didn’t need it, and it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

    “Bob, darling,” said Liliana Vess. “What’s happened to you? So high-strung.”

    “This has been one hell of a day, Lily. What are you doing here?” She looked good. She looked real
    good. That waist-length ebony hair, the low-cut purple dress with the slit up the front that gave away
    just enough to let you know you should be interested, the classic thigh-high black boots with the stiletto
    heels. She’d lost her tattoos, though. Must’ve broken that demon curse or whatever it was. And I relaxed
    a little as I realized that if she was here, Garruk and Elspeth wouldn’t be. They couldn’t stand her.

    “I’ve been waiting for you. Your place is a mess.”

    “Tarmogoyfs don’t make the best interior decorators. What do you need from-” She put her finger over my
    lips. Then she kissed me. Not a last kiss, not a soul kiss, not a kiss of death, just a regular kiss.
    Brought back some memories. Normally a guy like me should’ve been more suspicious in a situation like that.
    Especially after having gotten his ass kicked repeatedly by people looking for the woman who just showed
    up uninvited in his office. But I’ve always been a sucker for Lily, and the day had been about as rotten
    a day as I could’ve asked for. So as she took me by the hand and led me back into my own bedroom, I certainly
    wasn’t going to question the sudden turn in my luck.

    I closed the door to the bedroom behind us. As far as you’re concerned, everything went black.

    What is Liliana’s ulterior motive? Is Bob ever actually going to start investigating the theft of
    Chandra’s minus ability? Why the hell are we still waiting to learn what happened to Hans? All your questions
    will be answered in the exciting conclusion of Dark Confidant in the Case of the Missing Minus, coming next week!






  • TCGPlayer.com Previews Battlewise Hoplite

    This article is a $200 Summer Contest entry. You are invited to participate, compete, and win by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click here for more information.