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  • Let’s Talk About Wizard Fashion

    Welcome to the Tolarian Academy! Today we’re going to talk about Wizards.

    Here’s a good example of early Wizard fashion. The hat and vest are prominent, though the hairstyle and beard are a very rudimentary “let it grow out” style.

    This old guy may look like a Sorcerer – but he’s actually an old-fashioned Wizard! Take special note of the beard. In the years after this style, you’ll see these protrusions move further up the sideburns until they rest atop the head of the average Wizard, growing all the while.

    The maroon hat was an old style that faded away into obscurity, as did most other types of Wizarding hats.

    One of the more distinctive early Tolarian Academy fashions, the chessboard shoulderpads are a highlight here in ash and crimson. Note the swept-out sides that are an evolution of the beard in our previous photo.

    This is a popular style of Wizard glasses. The frames used to be made from brass, but more discerning modern buyers like to purchase darksteel frames.

    An advancement in Wizard hairstyles, the shaved top and sculpted sides leave plenty of room for personalization – note that you can sweep the sides forward or out, and long sideburns fit in handsomly. Note the characteristic Tolarian Academy garb, including the ever-present chessboards.

    Popular amongst more adventurous wizards, this armor has a multitude of transluscent cylindrical appendages.

    Here is an example of a young Wizard who has Purelaced his hair. The elegant multi-colored robes bring to mind the five colors of magic. This is a popular style amongst Wizards because it implies that the wearer is adept at many types of magical spells.

    Young Wizardlings (also known as younglings) grow out long braids until they become a master Wizard. At that time they clone out the braid and color their hair gray. Check out the crazy boots and purple pants. What a rebel!

    This photo showcases two fashions. In the back is Urza, wearing the elevated hairstyle known as the “Windswept Heath”. Traditional Tolarian clothes are replaced by a more subdued cloak and vest, and armored pauldrons instead of shoulderpads. In the front is a Wizard displaying a chained-up style that you normally only see in specialized Wizard nightclubs.

    Yikes! This is a stripped-down take on traditional Tolarian dress. Chessboard shoulderpads are now mere straps, and the male wizard is replaced by a female one.

    Chessboard shoulderpads, mana-colored bookmarks, wiry glasses, and an unkempt moustache. Truly a look to be remembered!

    This is a style from just a couple years ago. How embarassing.

    When Tolarian Wizards are out in the field, they like to wear plain, quilted shoulder pads and brown cloaks. Prominent also are the battle goggles, which keep red spells out of the Wizard’s eyes.

    During this era of Wizarding, the colors blue and red were very popular. Wizards traditionally wear very heavy vests to protect themselves from experimental disasters, and this Wizard has even taken extra safety precautions by tying together the loose beard hairs.

    These students at the Tolarian Academy are wearing simpler versions of the traditional dress robes. They look like the plain brown robes of a travelling battle-wizard, because every class they take could be like a battle.

    Here also is a variation of the chessboard shoulderpad – this one has triangles instead of squares. How many triangles are there? You may be suprised to find out!

    This is an unusual Wizard, because he isn’t wearing any boots! What isn’t unusual is the blue vest with square patterns on the shoulders, the puffed-out blue trousers, the wild hair, and the leather abdominal armor.

    Let’s take a moment to analyze some Wizards from other schools.

    Oh ho ho! This mirthful robe and cowl are the hit of the party. Big, forked beards are an evolution of the swept-out, split hairstyle that was all the rage last cycle. Hot Wizard accessories this season are filigreed monocles, thick bracelets, and large red gemstones. Remember, the bigger the shoulder pads, the better!

    I think I’m turning Japanese! Arcane golden symbols, bamboo shoulders, and a contrasting red-and-blue kimono are striking in the warmer months.

    Big flowing robes, bigger flowing beards! Earthy colors and natural accessories like horns and ropes are simply smashing together.

    So what if you can’t grow a beard? Simply put your Wizarding supplies somewhere else! The ears, the nose, and around the neck are all delightful possibilities. This practical look is held together by the yellow and black robes.

    Now, let’s take a timely walk into the Post-Tolarian era of Wizard fashion.

    This early Post-Tolarian piece displays a reiteration of the golden era of large metal jewelry, multi-colored shoulder pads, and wispy hair. You can trace almost everything here to earlier fashions.

    The discovery of a multi-purpose knowledge draught and depilatory led to this eye-popping style. Without any hair to show, Wizards at that time attempted to cover up their baldness with hats.

    Since chin-hats didn’t exist until much later, a special type of eyepiece was designed to show beards at any place the wearer desires. Multiple lenses could fold down to choose between different styles and colors.

    “How tall can you make a hat?” A powerful question, and a powerful answer! This impressive item shows off a beautiful symmetry, offset by the intentional ragged look in the robes and pauldrons. Blue is the color of the day, with lush green and earthy yellow accents lending an excellent accenture to the outfit.

    A dressier version of the previous ensemble, more subdued colors allow the Wizard’s magical prowess to really shine. Rather than iron armor, this Wizard wears dramatic shoulder pads that connect to the base of the hat. This is a look that cannot be touched!

    This Wizard’s hat towers above all others, and the shoulderpads sprout more shoulderpads in a type of fractal transcendence.

    Contrasting parallel and perpendicular lines compete with gold trim to make this the one of the snappiest dressers on this side of the planes.

    We will end this article with perhaps one of the finest Wizards to ever don a Wizard hat. This throwback to classic headwear shows off an imposing blue and gold cone, with a companion cowl that reaches out in defiance of the very rules of gravity.

    Enchanting around the Wizard’s face is a team of wild, bushy eyebrows and sweeping moustachio. It’s so long you wonder why he needs puppet strings in the first place.

    Until next time…

    CLASS DISMISSED!

  • Restore Balance



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  • A Letter from Grizzly Bears

    Dearest Mother,

    I hope this letter reaches you. I have paid the messenger the last of my cigarettes and several other things I dare not mention, in the hopes that my words might find your eyes. I fear my own may never gaze into them again.

    What you suspected is true, and I am deeply sorry for doubting you — this camp is little more than a slaughterhouse. They have cast us into a pit, they battled us against each other for their amusement, and they have made it known that only half of those who remain will make it out alive.

    We are so young — each of us is only 15. We have done everything they asked of us. And I have seen them, one by one or in clusters, all the others, gone, dead, drifting to the earth like cherry blossoms. They bring in fresh meat all the time, and they churn through it at a terrifying rate — I’ve seen hundreds, thousands of faces come and go — mauled and twisted, pressed into servitude, and, finally, cast aside.

    A group of us had made a pact to hang together, to survive. The Evercore. We joked we would drink whiskey at the launch of 20th edition. Sixteen of us have made it this long, and we thought we were safe.

    But they have made their intentions clear mother. Nothing is safe here. Not Scathe Zombies. Not Regeneration. Not even your face.

    They shot Goblin King yesterday. They just dragged him — the King! — out in the street like a stray dog and put a bullet in the back of his head. They left him in the dirt with his crown over his broken nose to rot and be eaten by vermin. I’ve seen it many times, and I had even become used to it, but I feel a new dread. The dread I first felt when I saw Sedge Troll lying facedown in the mud. We had all joked about how he was invincible. When I saw him there, I thought, “This is my year — this is the year I go.”

    Life has been hard since then, but there was a natural rhythm to it. I am beaten and broken (well, not broken. I was never broken. I have seen others here broken — they’d always vanish shortly after — but not me.) by the other prisoners on a daily basis. Every year I’m further outclassed and humiliated. Every two years, I’m reprinted anyway. You know I am tough. You know, no matter how bad things get, I attack for two.

    The stories have helped, too. Telling all the little bears — so many bears, mother! — about when the King wore Gauntlets of Might, and he used to show us the calluses on his knuckles from it. He used to thump against the cinderblock wall of our cell and joke about playing the war drums, and I’d tell stories about Granite Gargoyle and Grey Ogre splitting up and crossing the Raging River, about the time we all climbed on the wall to dodge the Chaos Orb, or about the time Thicket Basilisk proved he was better than Cockatrice.

    They’re just stories now, and when I go, they will be lost. Just like all the other bears that came before me. I guess I should be grateful. Most of those other bears didn’t get reprinted once.

    I should feel glad of my long life, but I’m not. I wanted to be Evercore. I wanted these days, grim as they are, to last forever.

    People tell me to trust in God, but even that seems hopeless. They’ve pulled him out of bed now, and they’re trying to shove him in a van.

    You were always good to me. I am sorry I will never return to your hand again.

    Love,

    Grizzly Bears



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  • Kaleidostoned



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  • Economic Crisis Breaks 13-Year Stasis Lock

    AURORA — 26-year old Stephen Prohashkos was released from a 13-year Stasis lock today, as ongoing global economic and credit turmoil finally rendered 33-year old Walter Phillips unable to pay a blue mana during his upkeep. As a result, Prohashkos has finally untapped and, according to family and friends, is ready to move on with life.

    “It’s a hard time, what with the layoffs and all, but having Stephen out of that lock is a real silver lining,” said Stephen’s father Zorba. “I know his mother is glad she won’t have to give him any more sponge baths.”

    In the spring of 1995, 13-year old Prohashkos sat down with his neighbor and Miami of Ohio freshman Phillips to play the collectible card game Magic: The Gathering. Prohashkos had learned the game from playmates at school, and Phillips, who had often babysat Prohashkos as a child, seemed enthusiastic that the two shared an interest.

    It is unclear what happened next, or how exactly Prohashkos was trapped by what eyewitness accounts say is a “blue two mana enchantment” and “totally cheap.” We attempted to reach Magic publisher Wizards of the Coast spokesperson Tina Gaffney for comment but could not get past the balls.

    Regardless of the specific timeline, the lock proved remarkably resilient, pacifying Prohashkos and rendering him incapable of interacting with his opponent, and, it appears, the world at large, provided that Phillips made minimum payments during each of his upkeeps. After establishing the lock, Phillips returned to college, continuing to maintain the lock out of student loan funds, early wages and, later, a home equity line of credit that was recently withdrawn by Phillips’ bank due to concerns about his creditworthiness.

    “Honestly, once I set the thing up to autopay, I kind of forgot about it,” said Philips. “Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have played that deck against a kid, but if you refuse to play against good decks and cards, you never learn anything. I was pretty young at the time. In retrospect, I guess I should have included a win condition. He must have been playing with a pretty big deck – I guess that makes sense, since he was prepubescent and all.”

    “I never thought this day would come,” said teary older brother Thomas. “I would have done anything to bring Stephen back. There are times when I even thought about extreme measures. But Walter also had a Moat. That son of a bitch.”

    “Mom says I have to finish reading Bridge to Terabithia before dinner,” said Prohashkos as he shaved off a three-foot beard. “But after that, I want to get a copy of Scrye and see what my Chromium is worth now. Snoochy Boochy!”



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  • ExpertVillage.com Faces Accusations of Extortion

    The following letter was slid under the editor’s office door at the thirteenth hour before going to press. Our reporters have yet to determine its veracity, and honestly hope that the implications that it makes are not accurate portrayals of the parties involved.

    I don’t want to live like this anymore, but there is a gun to my head. You can call it a figurative gun if you’d like. That’s what they’d want you to think. All media men are starving hacks, key bashers, and drunks. You’ve been told that time and time again without the whole truth. We’re being held captive in a subterranean holding facility in… (text is incomprehensible).

    My family may already be dead, though I am reminded of their similar predicament by my captors on a daily basis, if you can truly judge a day’s length under the inexorable glare emitting from these dangling flood lights. Part of me hopes that they are dead. Each time I collapse with exhaustion on this bed of blackened keys and melted celluloid, I murmur out a prayer for their safety or possible release from this bleak world.

    What is left of my recollection of time tells me that somewhere near the end of the first decade of this godless millennium that the stock market crashed, jobs were excoriated from the market, tables folded up, and doors closed. Those of us that could afford it at the time jeered at left wing pundits who espoused Malthusian theories regarding our nation’s decline. The media at first fed upon this fear and used it rally the disenfranchised under their banner, but that only lasted so long, then they too fell under the economic pall.

    Unable to pay their current staff and unwilling to let go of their sway over public opinion, salaries were cut, promissory notes written to those who had less to lose, and notices made to falsely imply that company morale was never higher. I, myself, took a pay cut and put in extra hours for the cause. This lasted a couple of months until the promissory notes started, and finally I was sent a note in regard to contest that offered a wage bonus to the employee who could generate the most media content within a given amount of time.

    I stepped up to the plate. I delivered. Instead of being awarded justly for my efforts, I awoke the morning after my coronation to find my family missing and a stack of playing cards sitting on my night stand next to what I assumed at the time was a ransom note. The note informed me that my family was being held at the mercy of a party that only had its and my family’s best interest in mind, and that the pile of cards laying on the table must be reviewed, discussed, and editorialized as content for my company’s gaming video feed.

    That morning at the police station the authorities seemed skeptical of the note and went as far as to imply that I had no family in the first place. Frightened and dejected I went to my workplace to question my office manager. She said she knew nothing, asked me if I could stay to proofread a piece one of my coworkers had written, and offered me a cup of coffee. I snapped. What kind of incredulous corporation did I work for? She offered no argument, but frowned and made a phone call. In a few short moments man whose face I cannot quite recall glided into her office with a box of what looked like Kleenex. My supervisor offered the package to me in order to wipe the tears and mucus that was flowing down my face. I wiped my face and fell to the floor unconscious.

    I am beginning to understand how a society like ours can shrivel up with its own corruption when our own supposed impartial watchers, journalists, have been corralled into pens and forced to chronicle the trivialities of a welfare state’s hobbies for the unspeakable fiends that populate the financial, upper echelons of our nation. Juvenal warned the plebeians of Rome in the past about the danger of bread and circuses, but I struggle to imagine even a satiric mind such as his picture that same maxim evolving and mutilating one rung of society and climbing to the next, as if it were entitled to it.

    My name is Michael Lopez. I am an associate and captive of the Gaming Department, Video Subdivision of Expert Village. If someone still free and with a conscience sees this letter, please warn my fellow men of letters of my imprisonment and the inherent failure of our culture. I may not be able to go on much longer.

    – Michael Lopez

    February 27, 2009




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  • Keeper of Three Fifths of Progenitus

    keeper

  • PT Kyoto Round 2 Report: Destiny Unveiled

    Osamu Fujita (Red-White Kithkin) vs. David Irvine (Esper Vark)

    Florida native David Irvine grasped his plastic-covered deck carefully and deliberately. He closed his eyes and parted the deck into two relatively equal halves, one in each hand. He then pushed the two halves together at their sides in what is sometimes known as the “side shuffle,” a pragmatic and yet elegent way to quickly redistribute the contents of the deck.

    But one was not enough. Irvine’s opponent, Osamu Fujita, watched intently and nervously as Irvine again separated his deck into two parts and pressed them deliberately together, further redistributing the cardboard subcomponents.

    But they were not merely cardboard. A song had been stuck in Irvine’s head: the English folk song Greensleeves, for such was the protection he had afforded to his cards. As Irvine side shuffled for an unheard-of third time, spectators attempting to interpret his activity in hushed murmurs, he mentally noted that the version of Greensleeves his mind was humming through had ‘vi’ for its progression-concluding chord rather than the more-common ‘III’. His green, billed cap was upturned at an angle, as if firing a beam of contemplation into the cosmos. The busy sounds of the room surrounding him faded away, and he heard only the imaginary, distant lute, serenading his Sisyphean attempt at true randomization.

    Minutes, days, months, years passed. Or so it seemed. But when Irvine opened his eyes again the sounds of reality flooded back into the chamber of sensory acknowledgment. The fantasy lutist had performed his royally-commissioned task and had returned to his fictional forest home. Time rewound itself and Irvine discovered that mere seconds had passed since he first began to shuffle.

    Irvine presented his deck to Fujita, and Fujita his deck to Irvine. To each player, the others’ deck felt foreign, unnatural, distasteful. Even evil. They each winced and grunted in discomfort as they shuffled. Each tick of the clock caused an earthquake rated infinity on the Richter scale. The two players sighed a sigh of relief they relieved themselves of their opponents’ decks. Irvine could sense Fujita’s shadowy essence on his sacred possession. Fujita could almost feel Irvine’s fingerprints on his cards. They were each disgusted. Fujita noted that in chess, one never touched his opponent’s game pieces unless they were being captured. This was the way of the samurai. No such honor would be found in this American-made triviality.

    Fujita, absurdly adorned in a scarf, glanced over to his dice satchel, then back at Irvine. Irvine did the same. If Fujita acted quickly enough, perhaps he could procure some six-siders before Irvine could react. Sweat began to drip down Irvine’s forehead from the cusp of his cosmic ray brim.

    With that, Fujita made his move. In one swift motion he grabbed the lip of the dice satchel with his left thumb and forefinger while reaching inside with his right hand. In an eternal instant he successfully produced three cubic dice from the satchel, each with symbols representing the numbers one through six on their faces. Irvine moved not. Fujita wondered if Irvine had ever even planned to interrupt his dice-procurement maneuver. He would never find out, and the question haunted him for the rest of his Earth-life.

    “High roll?” Fujita asked Irvine. Or did he ask the audience? Or the universe? The universe responded through Irvine in the form of a nod. Fujita stood up, the dice in his right hand and, with all of his adrenaline and energy and effort and will and fear and being, launched a salvo of dice onto the table.

    Each die ricocheted off of the table in different directions at first. The wind itself seemed to gasp, however, as the dice began to unify their positions mid-air to conform to Irvine’s upturned hat brim. They collided with each other in impossible ways, challenging the observers’ notions of space, time, and self, before tumbling haphazardly to the table below.

    The result was dictated by the constitution of the initial singularity which spawned the cosmos combined with rules of conduct hand-scrawled by God in the metaphysical scroll of material existence: A couple of sixes and a two.

    Irvine was devastated, but in his devastation something awoke within him. A nihilistic, fatalistic, child-like amusement, like at the beginning of a roller-coaster’s descent from heaven to hell. His inner self chuckled, and soon his outer self joined him, until his guffawing filled the room with the echoes of insanity. He slowly regained his composure and managed to conclude his temporary madness with a cryptic, ominous phrase. “Hoo, that’s a high one!” said he.

    It was now Irvine’s turn to roll, but as he touched the dice he sensed the same corruption in these dice as he sensed on Fujita’s cards. He knew with axiomatic certainty that his roll would be lower than 14. What does one do when his prognostication foretells certain doom? He buries himself in the currents of society and world, weeping as his true, inner flesh is ripped asunder by the razor-sharp torrent. He finds himself rolling the dice despite the knowledge of certain failure, allegorically telling the story of every man’s life from protobiont to Julius Caesar to cyborg and beyond.

    It was worse than he ever imagined. His own roll wasn’t even a third of Fujita’s, and his slow-as-mollases Esper Vark deck would be starting eternally behind Fujita’s Red-White Kithkin deck, which was so blazingly fast that the cards tapped themselves.

    Irvine won the match 2-1.



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  • Gwafa Hazid Convicted on Charges of Bribery and Treason

    Feb 26, 2009 – Gwafa Hazid, profiteer and legendary real estate success, was found guilty by the Supreme Court today of bribery and high treason. Over the past three decades, Hazid navigated the real estate world like none other and brokered trade deals that none thought possible. After a rousing success in the financial field, he later moved on to the political arena as an intermediary negotiator.

    “He seemed to know what everybody wanted,” remarked an anonymous source close to Hazid during the Israeli-Palestinian peace accord in 2006. “Instead of playing on Israeli and Palestinian resources, which has never worked, he just offered them a Mountain and an Island to stop attacking each other. Unfortunately, as soon as Gwafa hopped on a plane back to the States, they were back at it again.”

    According to the source, similar closed-door deals had been struck up nearly everywhere Hazid went, including Bosnia, Tibet, and recently Zimbabwe.

    “Zimbabwe was being torn apart by disease and rioting,” commented the source, “but they had all kinds of land already. Gwafa had to offer them something different.” Hazid offered each leader some Healing Salve to distribute to their people. “I think it only saved about 6 lives, but it mollified them.” Hazid was lauded for his humanitarian efforts in solving the crisis.

    With his recent success in Zimbabwe, he was soon put in charge of negotation efforts in Afghanistan. Unfortunately for him, the situation there made his style ineffective.

    “Afghanistan consists of a lot of different tribes warring against each other. One Forest wasn’t going to do it this time. He would need new real estate for each village, something he couldn’t handle. That’s when he got desperate.”

    Soon after Hazid’s arrival, Afghani tribesmen were seen using deadlier weapons, such as Death Bombs, and even Rocket Launchers.

    General Jarkeld of the American forces was quickly being forced into bad combat situations due to the new weaponry. “I’ve tried to outfox them when I can,” remarked the General, “but really, my abilities are pretty worthless here.”

    Even after the surge of new troops in Afghanistan arrived, Hazid had his hands full trying to keep each Afghani tribe satisfied. That’s when, some say, he turned to state secrets.

    “We understand sometimes you have to go outside the law to get this stuff done,” explained a senior Pentagon official, “a Tropical Island here, some Grasslands there. It’s when the enemy shows up with Pyrite Spellbombs and whatever the Hell that Progenitus thing was that we start to have problems.”

    In a related development, China was recently found to legally own the Everglades.




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  • AoD’s Kyoto Survival Guide

    As someone who has lived in Kyoto for several months now, I thought it might be helpful to write a basic guide for the people who are going to the PT. The guide covers transportation, some basic advice, and recommendations (for food, drinking, recreation, sightseeing), and contains some basic Japanese phrases and words at the end.

    GETTING AROUND

    To Kyoto from KIX: There is a train station
    a couple minutes’ walk from International Arrivals. Take the Haruka
    train to Kyoto Station. If you have purchased a JR pass, you can use
    it to cover this fare; otherwise it will cost 2980 for a non-reserved
    seat. The ride takes about 75 minutes. Trains leave on every half-hour,
    with the last one departing at 8:30.

    Within Kyoto:

    There are several train and subway lines
    in Kyoto, as well as a bus system. I’m only going to list the ones that
    I think are important,

    1) The KEIHAN line goes from Demachiyanagi
    station (Imperial Palace, Ginkakuji temple) all the way south to Osaka.
    The important stops are Sanjo (shopping, nightlife), Gion-Shijo
    (shopping, nightlife, Yasaka shrine, Heian shrine), Kiyomizu-Gojo
    (Kiyomizu temple), Fushimi-Inari (Fushimi-Inari Shrine), Tambabashi
    (transfer to the Kintetsu line), and Yodoyabashi (a large station
    in Osaka, if you plan to go there).

    2) The KINTETSU line goes from Kyoto
    station down to Nara. The important stops are Kyoto (main transportation
    hub, shopping), Takeda (the PT venue, one of my favorite izakayas),
    Tambabashi     (transfer to the Keihan line), and Yamato-Saidaiji
    (terminus in Nara if you plan to go there, Saidaiji temple).

    3) The HANKYU KYOTO line goes from the
    Shijo/Kawaramachi intersection to Osaka. I don’t use it much, but it
    does take you to Umeda (a cool part of Osaka). The important stops are
    Kawaramachi     (a couple minutes down Shijo street from Keihan Gion-Shijo
    station), Karasuma (transfer to the Karasuma Subway line at Karasuma
    Shijo station), and Umeda (Osaka: shopping, transfer to other
    Osaka train lines).

    4) The KARASUMA SUBWAY line goes from
    northeast Kyoto to Takeda, the PT venue. The important stops are
    Imadegawa     (Imperial Palace), Shijo
    (transfer to the Hankyu line at Hankyu Karasuma station), Kyoto,
    and Takeda.

    5) I rarely use the JAPAN RAIL (JR) lines
    because the previous ones take me everywhere I usually go, but they’re
    important because JR runs the Shinkansen (bullet train), which is the
    best way to get to Tokyo, Hiroshima, or any other relatively far destinations
    you may visit. JR operates out of Kyoto Station.

    6) I don’t have much experience with
    the KYOTO CITY BUSES, but there are many routes, and the system covers
    most of the important sightseeing, shopping and nightlife sites. The
    buses all have their destination and notable stops listed below the
    route number at each bus stop, as well as a map showing the routes on
    a simple layout of Kyoto’s streets. They’re somewhat slow when compared
    to the trains, but cover a wider area. A single ride costs 220, while
    a day pass is 500.

    Important: if you go out at night,
    make sure you don’t miss the last train!
    Japanese trains end relatively early, and the last one usually departs
    around 12 AM, depending on the station and destination. If you don’t
    want to pay for a cab (~1500 – 2000, depending on the trip), head back
    towards your train station by 11:45. Leave even earlier if your trip
    requires a transfer somewhere.

    PROTIPS

    Most people in stores and restaurants
    speak limited english, so if you find yourself lost or have questions
    about a purchase/meal, you should be alright. Generally, the more traditional
    or hole-in-the-wall a place looks, the less chance there is of anyone
    speaking english.

    Police boxes (recognizable from the words
    KOBAN and a picture of a policeman riding a horse) are very useful when
    you’re lost. Just tell the policeman where you want to go and he’ll
    show you on a map.

    Most convenience stores have incredibly
    clean restrooms, so if you need a bathroom while you’re out, just go
    to the nearest 7-11/Lawson/Circle-K/Family Mart.

    If you think you’re near the place you
    want to go to but can’t find it, just ask any random by saying the name
    of the place you want to go. If you’re close to it, they’ll be able
    to point you in the right direction, and some people are nice enough
    to walk you there.

    DOWNTOWN

    Virtually all of the following recommendations
    for restaurants and bars are in the downtown area of Shijo and Sanjo.
    The best way to get there is KEIHAN, using Gion-Shijo
    and Sanjo stations.

    If your hotel is close to the KARASUMA
    SUBWAY line, take the subway to Shijo station and transfer to
    the HANKYU KYOTO line. Take Hankyu to Kawaramachi station, and
    you’ll be in Shijo.

    If your hotel is close to the KINTETSU
    line, take the train to Tambabashi and transfer there to KEIHAN,
    then take the Keihan train to Gion-Shijo
    or Sanjo station.

    If your hotel is close to the HANKYU
    KYOTO line, just take the train to Kawaramachi station, and you’ll
    be in Shijo.

    RECOMMENDATIONS

    I’m a college student on a budget, so
    here are some pretty good places that may not blow your mind but definitely
    won’t bust your wallet. This is by no means an exhaustive list of all
    that Kyoto has to offer; these are just the places I like and frequently
    visit.

    FOOD

    Kyoto is full of all sorts of restaurants,
    but be warned that most "foreign" food is a Japanized version.
    Some places specialize in tabehoudai (all you can eat buffet);
    if no sign mentions it, don’t be afraid to ask.

    Unlike American ones, Japanese convenience
    stores are full of surprisingly high-quality food for cheap. Beyond
    regular snack foods, you can get fried food, meat buns, sushi, rice
    balls, sandwiches, bento (Japanese box-lunches) and even pasta
    that the cashier will microwave for you. Convenience stores are all
    open 24/7.

    Fast food: Many fast food joints in Japan
    are open 24/7, and the food is generally much higher-quality than food
    of a comparable price in the US. Aside from McDonald’s, Japan has:

    Mos
    Burger – A tastier and more expensive burger chain than McDonald’s,
    but the portions are somewhat small. A set is ~600-800, depending on
    the burger.

    Sukiya
    – Japanese rice bowls, curries, and traditional side dishes in the 300-600
    range.

    Matsuya
    – Like Sukiya, but with more emphasis on the rice bowls and less on
    the curry. Rice bowls are from ~350 to 500.

    CoCo
    Curry – Japanese curry with rice. Wide variety, tasty, runs from ~600-1000.

    Shakey’s
    Pizza – For those brave enough to try Japanese pizza, Shakey’s is the
    place to go. Shakey’s offers "Lunch Viking" and "Dinner
    Viking," which is an odd way of saying "all you can eat buffet,"
    for stupidly cheap – lunch for ~650, dinner for ~850. In addition to
    pizza, you can also get curry rice, pasta and salad. Try the banana
    chocolate dessert pizza; it’s actually pretty good. Shakey’s pizza is
    on Teramachi, between Shijo and Sanjo streets (for how to get
    to Teramachi, look at the SHOPPING section).

    Sushi: It’s hard to go wrong with the
    sushi here, but unless you get it from a convenience store it will be
    relatively expensive (compared to other options). The two sushi places
    I usually frequent represent opposite sides of the quality/quantity
    argument, and are both on Sanjo street.

    Ganko-zushi
    – From Keihan Sanjo station, cross the bridge west towards Starbucks,
    on the right-hand side of the street. Continue past Starbucks and you’ll
    soon be in front of Ganko-zushi, recognizable by its logo of a serious-looking
    sushi chef’s head. The food is very good, and the sashimi’s quality
    is excellent, but expect to pay a minimum of 2000 yen if you don’t want
    to leave hungry. They have an English menu.

    Kappa
    Sushi – Follow the same directions as Ganko-zushi, but continue along
    down Sanjo street until the street ends. As soon as you cross Kawaramachi
    street, Kappa sushi will be on the left-hand side, recognizable by its
    logo of a cute vaguely-turtleish green cartoon character dressed up
    like a sushi chef. Kappa Sushi is a kaitenzushi (conveyor-belt
    sushi) establishment. After you’re seated, you can freely grab sushi
    as it comes by on small trays. You can also place a special order using
    the touch screen at each table, and the food will come on a minature
    bullet train. Just remember to press the red button to send the train
    back! Most plates have 2 pieces of sushi and cost 105 yen.

    Okonomiyaki: Also called "Japanese
    pizza," okonomiyaki is a pancake-like batter filled with various
    vegetables and meat/seafood and cooked on a hot plate. Okonomiyaki restaurants
    may not have a sign in English, but the Japanese looks like this:     お好み焼き. You
    can’t go wrong with buta (pork) or niku (beef), and for
    those who like seafood there’s ika (squid) and ebi (shrimp).

    I
    forget the name – From Keihan Sanjo station, cross the bridge
    west towards Starbucks, on the left-hand side of the street. Continue
    until you reach an intersection with a light (Sanjo and Kiyamachi),
    and turn left onto Kiyamachi street. Walk down Kiyamachi on the left-hand
    side of the street until you see a 7-11. Next to the entrance of the
    7-11 there is an elevator, and next to the elevator are a bunch of signs,
    including one for okonomiyaki. Go to the floor that sign advertises.
    The okonomiyaki will be about 800-1000 on average.

    Ramen: Ramen shops are as delicious as
    they are ubiquitous. Recognize them by the Japanese     ラーメン or らーめん. The basic shoyu ramen (soy-sauce ramen)
    will cost between 500-700, and is very filling. Gyoza (chinese
    pot-stickers) make a good side dish, and should be between 200-300 for
    5 or 6.

    DRINKING

    Japan is a great place to get drunk.
    There are no penalties for public drinking or public drunkenness, so
    as long as you aren’t being an obnoxious dickhead you’ll be fine. There
    are a couple main types of drinking establishments in Japan:

    The izakaya – the Japanese characters
    for izakaya literally translate to "eat drink store,"
    and that’s what you’ll do. Izakaya are the traditional bars of
    Japan, with a food menu full of authentic Japanese fried and grilled
    dishes and a hybrid drink selection consisting of sake (rice
    wine) and shochu (potato liquor, somewhat similar to vodka) alongside
    the usual beer and mixed drinks.

    The bar – your usual bar; cocktails and
    mixed nuts.

    Undoubtedly, the best thing about drinking
    in Japan is nomihoudai (all you can drink buffet). Instead of
    paying for drinks, you pay a fixed price for 1.5 to 3 hours of as many
    drinks as you can have. Some places charge extra to include beer as
    part of the buffet. Not all bars offer nomihoudai, so be sure
    to ask. Also, beware that some places underhandedly limit the number
    of drinks you have, through slow service or watery drinks.

    A Bar: One of my favorite bars in Kyoto,
    A Bar has reasonably priced Yebisu beers, good food selection, and a
    great atmosphere. Instead of the usual setup, there are several smaller
    booths with a huge table in the center. Sharpie grafitti left by prior
    celebrants covers the walls, and on weekends it’s hard not to make new
    friends, whether Japanese or fellow foreigners. A large beer will run
    you ~600, and mixed drinks are 500. From Keihan Shijo
    station, cross the bridge west toward McDonalds. Make a right onto Kiyamachi
    street, and cross over to the left (far) side of the river on Kiyamachi.
    Pass club world, and go straight into the alley. Continue straight into
    the next alley until you see the sign for A Bar on your left, on the
    second floor.

    Cafe La Siesta: My other favorite bar
    in Kyoto, Cafe La Siesta is a gamer’s paradise. The music is always
    8-bit, a Super Street Fighter 2 machine sits next to the bar, and there’s
    a giant Game Boy with a TV inside hooked up to a NES with a sizable
    collection of the best games. The Thai curry (700) is great, and while
    original drinks named 1-Up, Bonus Stage and Continue start at 600, you
    can get 1.5 hours of nomihoudai for 2100. The service is usually
    fast, the owners are good people, and you can request the drinks strong.
    The directions are the same as A Bar, but Cafe La Siesta is on the first
    floor instead of the second.

    Jidaiya: This izakaya chain is
    probably the best drinking deal in town. Located right next to Takeda
    station, Jidaiya has great, cheap traditional Japanese bar snacks, but
    the real draw is 1.5 hours of nomihoudai for 900 yen. Try the
    yakitori     (grilled chicken sticks); they’re delicious, and a steal
    at only 80 yen a stick. For nomihoudai, you have to reserve in
    advance; it fills up quickly on weekends, so the sooner you figure out
    how many people and when, the better. Also, they speak very limited
    English, so you might want to have a Japanese judge reserve for you.
    The number is 075 622 0765. I don’t remember exactly what exit it’s
    next to, but if just say "Jidaiya? Izakaya?" to an employee
    at Takeda station, they’ll be able to direct you.

    Seagulls: While they also offer food,
    the main draw for Seagulls is getting as smashed as possible. 3 hours
    of nomihoudai costs 2000 (2300 with beer included), but you can
    order your drinks strong. Be sure to order a drink whenever you receive
    one, as the service can be a bit slow unless you’re insistent about
    getting your way. From Keihan Sanjo station, cross the bridge
    west towards Lawson. Make a left onto Kiyamachi street, and continue
    straight until you see an izakaya called "Watami" on
    a corner on the right-hand side of the street. Turn right and walk straight
    past the Watami and the bowling alley. Seagulls will be on the right
    side of the street on the 3rd floor, across from the Hub.

    SHOPPING

    Things are more expensive here than in
    America, but there are many stores where you can shop duty-free. Otherwise,
    check out the outdoor shopping arcades of Teramachi and Shinkyogoku
    in Sanjo/Shijo.

    Kyoto Station: Kyoto station is a huge
    complex of restaurants and stores, with an underground mall. If you
    want to buy things duty-free, go to Bic Camera for a giant selection
    of electronics.

    Teramachi/Shinkyogoku: The shopping arcades
    of Teramachi and Shinkyogoku, bordered by Sanjo street at the north
    end and Shijo street in the south, offer the best shopping in Kyoto.
    Lined with stores, restaurants and even a couple game centers, there’s
    little you won’t be able to find. To get to Teramamachi and Shinkyogoku:

    From
    KEIHAN Sanjo station, cross the bridge west towards Lawson. Continue
    going straight along Sanjo street until the street becomes a dead end.
    Cross the street, and walk into the covered walkway. The arcades will
    trail off to the left; the nearer one is Shinkyogoku, and the further
    one is Teramachi.

    From
    KEIHAN Gion-Shijo station, cross the bridge west towards McDonalds.
    Continue straight along Shijo street until you see a sign on your right
    for Shinkyogoku; if you go a bit further, you will see a sign on your
    right for Teramachi.

    From
    HANKYU Kawaramachi station: Kawaramachi station has many exits.
    Take any of the exits that lets you out on Shijo Street, and from there
    walk west down Shijo street until you see the signs for Shinkyogoku
    and Teramachi. If you accidentally find yourself exiting into the Takashimaya
    department store, you can ask any of the workers to direct you to Shijo
    street.

    Taniyama Electronics Store: Like Bic
    Camera but smaller, Taniyama is a several-story shop where you can buy
    electronics, and the entire 5th floor is duty free. To get
    there, follow the same directions as for getting to Teramachi from
    Gion-Shijo     or Kawaramachi stations, but when you get to the
    sign that says “Teramachi,” instead of going into the arcade, go
    the opposite direction down the street. Taniyama will be on your right
    after a short walk.

    RECREATION

    Karaoke: Japanese karaoke centers are
    multi-storied affairs with private rooms for each party, room service
    for food and drinks, and large song selections. If you’ve never tried
    it, you really should—anyone who has played Rock Band knows the awesome
    fun of singing poorly to your favorite music. Songs you must try: “Welcome
    to the Jungle,” “Say It Ain’t So,” and “Snake Eater Song”
    from MGS3. They’re virtually everywhere, but if you don’t
    see “Karaoke” in English, you can recognize a karaoke center by
    the Japanese     カラオケ. You pay by the hour, and the cheapest times
    are from around 12 PM to around 5 PM.

    Game Centers (Arcades): If you have an
    absurd craving to get your ass kicked at Street Fighter IV, there are
    two good arcades in the Shijo/Sanjo downtown area.

    Round
    1 is a large complex with ticket games, air hockey and crane games aside
    your usual fighters, racers and gun games. From KEIHAN Sanjo
    station, cross the bridge west towards Lawson. Continue straight down
    Sanjo street until the road ends at Kawaramachi street. Cross to the
    dead-end side, and turn left. Walk south down Kawaramachi street towards
    Shijo street. After a short walk, Round 1 will be on your right. The
    real games are all from the 3rd floor up. Most games are
    100 yen per play, but SFIV gives you two plays.

    For
    the hardcore, Amusement A-Cho on Teramachi street is a no-nonsense
    arcade stacked with almost every major fighter from the last two decades.
    The competition is much better than at Round 1, so don’t be surprised
    if you lose. A lot. To get there, follow the directions for Teramachi
    street from Gion-Shijo station. Enter Teramachi, and after a
    short walk you will see a sign for Amusement A-Cho high up on your right.
    Go up the escalator, and you’ll be on the gaming floor. Most games
    are 50 yen per play.

    Clubs: The downtown area has more than
    a few clubs, but I’ve only been to a couple of them. Japanese dancing
    etiquette is different, as people often dance by themselves, and depending
    on the place may not be as receptive to your advances as they would
    in America. Be courteous, get drunk and rock out.

    Sam & Dave: This gaijin-owned
    chain is very popular in Kansai (western Japan), and its Kyoto
    location is on Kiyamachi street between Sanjo and Shijo, close
    to 7-11 and the okonomiyaki restaurant. Entry for men is 2000 and comes
    with 2 drink tickets. The first floor has a pool table, and the second
    floor is the main dance area. Sam & Dave is known for its foreigner
    population, so you’ll see a lot of other gaijin as well as
    questionable Japanese girls looking to hook up with said gaijin.

    Club World: The biggest club in Kyoto,
    Club World is classier, has better music, and is frequented by fewer
    gaijin than Sam & Dave. However, the entry is a hefty 3000 yen,
    and only comes with 1 drink ticket. From Gion-Shijo
    station, cross the bridge towards the McDonalds. Turn right at the first
    intersection (Kiyamachi street), and walk down Kiyamachi on the left-hand
    (far) side of the river. You will soon be at Club World.

    SIGHTSEEING

    While the Pro Tour will take up most
    of your time, this may be the only chance you have to come to Japan,
    and it’d be a shame not to see one of the many beautiful, easily accessible
    cultural spots in Kyoto.

    Kinkakuji: Also known as the Temple of
    the Golden Pavilion, this gilded Buddhist temple sits atop a placid
    pond. It’s a bit out of the way, but well worth it. Admission is ~500.
    To get there, take the 101 or 205 bus from Kyoto Station (or
    any stop along the way). Alternately, a faster method is to take the
    KARASUMA SUBWAY line to Kitaoji station, and take a bus or taxi
    from there to Kinkakuji.

    Ginkakuji: Although the name literally
    translates as “Temple of the Silver Pavilion,” Ginkakuji is actually
    a wooden structure. While it’s currently under construction, the real
    draw is the traditional walking garden path that winds through the carefully
    sculpted grounds. Admission is ~500. To get there, take the 5, 17 or
    100 bus from Kyoto Station. If you’re already near a KEIHAN
    station, it’s a better idea to take the train to Demachiyanagi
    station, and take one of the same buses from there.

    Kiyomizu-dera: Sitting on a hill, the
    beautiful Kiyomizu temple offers a great view of Kyoto. One of the older
    temples in Japan, Kiyomizu-dera is known for its sacred water that is
    purported to bring longevity, wisdom, and health. Lesser-known but close
    by lies a massive Japanese graveyard with stones dating back to the
    mid-1800s. From KEIHAN Kiyomizu-Gojo station, walk west towards
    the row of convenience stores. Continue straight along Gojo street until
    you come upon a diagonal cross-street and a steep hill straight ahead.
    Go up the hill; Kiyomizu-dera is a the top.

    Fushimi-Inari Taisha: My favorite place
    in Kyoto, Fushimi-Inari shrine offers a pleasant hike and some valuable
    silence, both of which are relatively hard to come by in Japan. The
    main shrine for the god of fortune, Fushimi-Inari is a hill criss-crossed
    with dozens of paths that are lined with 10,000 red gates in total.
    Along the hike, you’ll encounter many side paths leading to shrines
    of various sizes, and countless statues of foxes in red bibs. The shrines
    at the top of the hill are full of friendly cats, and I highly recommend
    making the whole circuit. The best time to go is at sundown; hundreds
    of lamps illuminate the mountain, and you won’t run into to too many
    other people. From KEIHAN Fushimi-Inari station, head across
    the train tracks going uphill. Just follow the path straight, and go
    in the same direction as the other tourists. Make sure you don’t get
    lost on the mountain; the paths can be confusing. Trivia: While hiking
    at Fushimi-Inari, the idea of foxes in red bibs flying through gates
    inspired Shigeru Miyamoto to create Starfox.

    FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO TRY: BASIC
    JAPANESE

    Japanese is a fairly difficult language,
    and the grammar is very different from that of English. Here’s a basic
    pronunciation guide, a list of important questions and phrases, and
    a list of words you can substitute into said sentences.

    Pronunciation: Japanese pronunciation
    is much simpler than you might imagine. There are five vowels: A, I,
    U, E, and O.

    A is pronounced ah, as in law or saab.

    I is pronounced ee, as in feed or knee.

    U is pronounced ooh, as in you or do.

    E is pronounced ay, as in play or way.

    O is pronounced oh, as in low or dough.

    All the consonants are similar to those
    in English, with the exception of:

    “R” sounds like a mix of L and R;
    try saying “R” while touching the tip of your tongue to the roof
    of your mouth.

    “F” sounds like a mix of F and H;
    try saying “F” without touching your upper teeth to your lower lip.

    Additionally, Japanese uses “Tsu,”
    which is pronounced how it is written.

    “J” is ALWAYS pronounced like J as
    in “jam” or “jump”.

    Useful sentence Patterns:

    WHERE: _______ wa doko desu ka? (where
    is ___?)

    HOW MUCH: _______ wa ikura desu ka?
    (how much is ___?)

    DIRECTIONS: _______ ni dou ikimasu ka?
    (how do I get to ___?)

    DO YOU HAVE: _______ wa arimasu ka?
    (do you have/is there ___?)

    WHEN: ______ wa itsu desu ka? (when
    is ___?)

    Useful phrases:

    Konnichiwa. (Hello)

    Jaa ne! (Goodbye!)

    Arigatou. (Thank you.)

    Onegaishimasu. (Please.)

    Sumimasen. (Excuse me.)

    Gomen nasai. (Sorry.)

    Eigo o hanasemasu ka? (Do you speak
    English?)

    Nihongo o hanasemasen. (I don’t
    speak Japanese.)

    Useful words:

    Places:

    Train station: Eki

    Toilet: Toire

    Convenience Store: Konbini

    Bar: Izakaya, Baa

    Restaurant: Resutoran

    Police Box: Koban

    Bakery: Panya

    Sushi restaurant: Sushiya

    Bookstore: Honya

    Arcade: Geemu Senta

    Japan: Nihon

    Japanese (language): Nihongo

    Japanese (person): Nihonjin

    Things:

    Train: Densha

    Taxi: Takushii

    Food: Tabemono

    Drinks: Nomimono

    Alcohol: Sake

    Beer: Biiru

    Lunch: Hirugohan

    Dinner: Bangohan

    END

    I hope some of this has been useful.
    This basic guide is by no means exhaustive, and I can already think
    of a few cool things I haven’t even had the time to write yet, but
    it should help you get around reasonably well. Good luck in the PT!

    P.S.: If I know you from GG or MT and
    you’d like my number for emergency contact or general information
    purposes, send me a request via GMail at srosenblum.




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