Boy, Odric, Lunarch Marshal sure can grant a lot of abilities! Here’s a look at the original design. We shaved a number of keywords after development raised concerns about “rules confusion”, “tournament time limits”, “shuffling nightmares”, and “how on earth would you even print this”. Take a look for yourself if you want to really flip out!
BANT – Alara’s feminists are outraged at Planeswalker Magazine for magically touching up a cover shot of Elspeth in its latest issue.
“It’s just ridiculous,” said one Village Elder. “Everyone knows Elspeth has a mole on her face but they think they can just Alter Reality without anyone noticing.”
An unaltered image of Elspeth, taken while she was out on a date with her boyfriend, Tezzeret.
This isn’t the first time Planeswalker has been scorned for “touching up” an image. Longtime readers remember when the magazine hired Tomoya the Revealer for a peek through Nissa Revane’s shirt. More recently, Fortune Thief excoriated the magazine for giving her new proportions, though she refused to say whether they were mythic or epic.
“All of this focus on looking perfect sends a terrible message to Alara’s young women,” says Jhessian Lookout, a cultural watchdog. “The pressure on them is so intense, it’s no wonder anorexia rates are the highest they’ve ever been. Women are more than just objects to be tapped and untapped but more and more of them are Goblin War Painting their Faces of the Past profile pictures to make themselves skinnier.”
The cover is reproduced below; does it go too far?
Last month, Wizards of the Coast announced a salient set of rules changes. Although many of these changes are superficial, one in particular is not; combat damage now uses the stack. While events like these can be expected to raise cries that Magic is dying among scrubs, even more cogent veterans expressed unhappiness at the change.
“The change removes decisions a lot of interesting decisions from the game,” commented one player. “Consider blocking Savannah Lions with a Sakura Tribe Elder. Under the old rules I had to make a choice between trading and getting a land, but now there will simply be only one correct play. I understand their desire to make the game more accessible to newer players by removing the unintuitive waterfall damage system but they’ve done it at the cost of dumbing down the game for competitive players.
“The changes don’t even make sense from a flavor perspective either,” he continued, “under the new rules if I triple block a Dauntless Escort with Scion of Oona the attacker can split the damage and kill all my guys. How does that even make sense at all? Is it that when the Scion dies his buddies are torn up about it and suddenly realize that their wounds are lethal? And how does Nantuko Husk fight some dude and then eat one of his buddies who was just fighting at the same time only his buddy still kills the dude he was fighting and husk survives? Two Ravenous Baloths engage in a fight to the death and then both commit ritual suicide in order to avoid dying normally? What?”
Although many competitive players believe that the changes give them fewer opportunities to outplay their opponents during the combat phase, others point out that these opportunities have just shifted from declaring the order of blockers to damage assignment.
“I’m really surprised that people are getting worked up about this, if you play with the new rules for a bit you’ll see that the changes are pretty minor and don’t come up very often,” said another player who acknowledged that he was going to miss windmill slamming his cards ‘onto the battlefield’.
His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.
“When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale
When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.
When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.
An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.
The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.
When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.
(^ kingcobweb)
If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!
“From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme
Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!
If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!
It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.
“Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara
You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?
Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.
The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.
Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.
“Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words
Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.
I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”
For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.
No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.
“Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer
With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.
“Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”
“What about water?”
“Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”
Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.
I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?
If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.
(^ Reisen)
He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.
Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.
“Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus
She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.
There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.
“If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid
The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.
“I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage
(^ Pterrus)
When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”
His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.
The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.
His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”
“More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian
The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.
“Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus
Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.
The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.
(^ Crunchums)
The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.
“Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song
When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.
Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.
The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?
For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.
Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.
“Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”
Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!
The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.
The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.
He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.
(^ Alfred)
The only thing louder than fury is silence.
“It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page
In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.
“If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer
A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.
There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…
As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.
“Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam
Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.
The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.
His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.
Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.
Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.
The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.
“If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor
The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.
In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.
“Esper mages tap like this:
*pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*
But grixis zombies tap like this:
*pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up
Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.
The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.
How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.
The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.
It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.
“In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”
Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.
It cannot spell, only counterspell.
Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.
No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”
The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.
Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.
It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.
There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.
Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.
(^ Vandermonde)
(These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)
