‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections

Posted on Monday, April 20th, 2009 by kingcobweb, Reisen, Pterrus, Crunchums, Alfred and Vandermonde
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Posted in best of, mtg

His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.

“When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale

When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.

When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.

An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.

The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.

When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.

(^ kingcobweb)

If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!

“From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme

Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!

If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!

It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.

“Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara

You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?

Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.

The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.

Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.

“Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words

Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.

I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”

For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.

No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.

“Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer

With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.

“Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”

“What about water?”

“Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”

Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.

I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?

If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.

(^ Reisen)

He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.

Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.

“Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus

She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.

There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.

“If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid

The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.

“I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage

(^ Pterrus)

When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”

His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.

The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.

His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”

“More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian

The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.

“Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus

Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.

The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.

(^ Crunchums)

The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.

“Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song

When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.

Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.

The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?

For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.

Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.

“Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”

Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!

The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.

The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.

He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.

(^ Alfred)

The only thing louder than fury is silence.

“It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page

In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.

“If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer

A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.

There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…

As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.

“Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam

Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.

The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.

His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.

Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.

Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.

The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.

“If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor

The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.

In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.

“Esper mages tap like this:

*pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*

But grixis zombies tap like this:

*pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up

Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.

The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.

How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.

The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.

It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.

“In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”

Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.

It cannot spell, only counterspell.

Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.

No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”

The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.

Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.

It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.

There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.

Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.

(^ Vandermonde)

(These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)