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Open Letter to Planeswalker
by Suncrusher
You. Planeswalker. You ever summon Suncrusher? No. Foolish Planeswalker incur Suncrusher wrath. NOTHING SURVIVE WRATH OF SUNCRUSHER! Suncrusher crush suns. What you crush? Beer can on forehead. Planeswalker say, “What good crushing suns? No suns in Magic: the Gathering.” Suncrusher destroy creatures, too. Many creatures. Can you destroy creatures? No. You fling cardboard, destroy chance of mating. Suncrusher disappear when danger, return more powerful, ready to destroy more creatures. What you do? You disappear when hungry. Return ready to destroy sandwich. Suncrusher also never in danger. It figure of speech.
Suncrusher strong. All agree. Also handsome. Yet Suncrusher see no play outside Limited. No one play five-color artifact deck. Why planeswalker no play Suncrusher? Suncrusher destroy creatures for you. You no want. “Not big enough,” you say. “Nine mana unmorph Krosan Cloudscraper. Bigger than Suncrusher.” Bigger, yes. Fail to realize: Suncrusher CRUSH SUNS. Crush hurt. Sun not recover. Cloudscraper scrape clouds. Scrape barely hurt at all. Cloud still there. Maybe rain a little. Suncrusher like rain. And flowers.
Sorry. Suncrusher distracted from primary objective. Point is, planeswalker should play Suncrusher. Suncrusher gain life? No. Gain life terrible. Suncrusher discard your hand? No. Discard your hand awful. Suncrusher from Homelands? No. Homelands unplayable. Suncrusher CRUSH SUNS. Also destroy creatures.
Planeswalker, play Suncrusher.
Please?
“I Have Wings, Yet Cannot Fly”