“When I came to, I found myself chained to the wall of a dark, dank dungeon that smelled vaguely of swamp gas. Which wasn’t that surprising; that’s par for the course after a night with Liliana. What was surprising was seeing Chandra Nalaar down there.”

“When I came to, I had no idea where I was, which seemed to be the theme for the day. But in a welcome change, I didn’t actually hurt any more. I was laying prone and my cheek was stuck to something.”

“‘As articulate as ever, Robert. Having a bad day?’ I stiffened. I loathe being called Robert. There’s only one person that ever calls me that. A person whom, not coincidentally, I also loathe.”

“When I came to, I was alive, which was a great start. But it quickly went downhill. The hangover I’d had got together with the beating the tarmogoyf had given me and had little headache babies inside my head.”

“I spun around and hastily smoothed my robes as I headed back into my office to do my best to pretend that two minutes ago I hadn’t been drooling on the floor. It was a dame, and she was red. Could tell from the heels, and from the wisps of smoke and the singed area spreading over the top of my door frame. Always gives it away.”

REDMOND, Washington – Jul. 30, 2012 – Microsoft Corp. today announced their acquisition of the publishing rights to the trading card game Magic: the Gathering from Renton-based Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro Corp. “It seemed like a natural fit,” said Don Mattrick, president of the interactive entertainment business at Microsoft. “We’re in your living room with XBox, in your tabletop with Surface, and now, with Magic 8, we can be on your tabletop, too.”

PHOENIX, AZ (4/26/2012) — It’s not uncommon for laws to have unintended consequences, but this is one for the books. Today, a group of top-ranked tournament judges for popular trading card game Magic: the Gathering announced that, because of a bizarre quirk in the wording of a recent anti-abortion law passed by the Arizona state legislature, creature cards in players’ libraries or hands are now officially considered “alive” or “on the battlefield.”

I have seen planeswalkers consumed by hordes of slavering monsters while frantically flinging their
spells at innocent flagbearers. They would rather die a horrible death than suffer one of us to live.
All for the simple “crime” of carrying a flag. It happens every day, and we turn a blind eye to the
plight of the fallen, relieved that their destruction was not our own.

April 20, 2011 – RENTON, WA – Wizards of the Coast, publishers of the popular trading
card game Magic: the Gathering, announced today that, in an apparent security breach
unprecedented in the 21-year history of the company, the entire Homelands spoiler has
been released to the public. Anonymous Internet hackers were able to gain unauthorized access
to the confidential information through a previously-undiscovered security flaw in the company’s
Gatherer database. Rules text and art for all 140 cards in the set were downloaded hundreds of
times over before the hole could be closed.

(This article contains harsh language.) Hello, would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down. You know, I’ve been trying to get a game going all day, but these people have just been awful. You seem cool, though. I think we’re going to have a good game.

Oh, what’s that deck you have there? I saw an Island. Merfolk, huh? It doesn’t have any counterspells in it, does it? I hate counterspells.