Tag: Vandermonde

  • ‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections





    His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.

    “When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale

    When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.

    When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.

    An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.

    The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.

    When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.

    (^ kingcobweb)


    If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!

    “From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme

    Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!

    If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!

    It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.

    “Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara

    You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?

    Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.

    The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.

    Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.

    “Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words

    Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.

    I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”

    For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.

    No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.

    “Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer

    With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.

    “Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”

    “What about water?”

    “Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”

    Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.

    I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?

    If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.

    (^ Reisen)


    He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.

    Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.

    “Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus

    She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.

    There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.

    “If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid

    The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.

    “I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage

    (^ Pterrus)


    When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”

    His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.

    The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.

    His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”

    “More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian

    The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.

    “Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus

    Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.

    The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.

    (^ Crunchums)


    The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.

    “Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song

    When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.

    Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.

    The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?

    For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.

    Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.

    “Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”

    Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!

    The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.

    The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.

    He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.

    (^ Alfred)


    The only thing louder than fury is silence.

    “It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page

    In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.

    “If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer

    A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.

    There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…

    As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.

    “Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam

    Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.

    The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.

    His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.

    Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.

    Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.

    The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.

    “If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor

    The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.

    In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.

    “Esper mages tap like this:

    *pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*

    But grixis zombies tap like this:

    *pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up

    Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.

    The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.

    How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.

    The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.

    It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.

    “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”

    Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.

    It cannot spell, only counterspell.

    Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.

    No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”

    The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.

    Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.

    It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.

    There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.

    Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.

    (^ Vandermonde)


    (These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)

  • It’s Been A Shard Days Night









    [Editor’s note: This article is a bit long, so it was split into two parts. Unfortunately not even we can figure out the new site, so all we were able to get it to do was split it exactly in half by character count.]

    Hi, it’s time for another look behind the scenes at some of the design magic that helps make Magic so magical.


    Early in development, the 5 power matters theme was slightly under-performing, and Firestoker was seen as an ideal place to give it a little nudge. A lot of improvements were suggested – higher stats, making red mana, dealing more damage, and so on. Eventually though we decided on adding a second belt. We’re really happy with how the two-belt version plays.


    As you might have guessed, this was a top-down design. Its creation started with the flavor theme of, “Aggravating the Chinese censors as much as humanly possible” From there its concept, art, name, and functionality were a breeze to work out.


    This card actually started its life while we were working on Planar Chaos, and it went something like this:

    Them: We’ve got slots for a few more plane-shifted cards
    Me: I’ve got it! We could plane-shift Braidwood Cup from colorless…to white!
    Them: You’re supposed to shift a card from one color to another, not from no colors to another.
    Me: That’s what makes it brilliant!
    Them: Ok, even so, we don’t print artifacts with colored mana in their costs.

    Me: We don’t yet, but we could pre-print a planeshifted card from the future when we will!
    Them: We’re not doing pre-prints in this set; that’s the next set.
    Me: But what if when we did the next set, we retroactively send this set a printing of the pre-print of the planeshifted Cup.
    Them: … you want us to add a card to this set when the next one comes out? There’s no way we’re doing that.

    But fast forward to Shards design, and suddenly I have the upper hand:
    Me: So, I can’t help but notice you have a slot open for a white artifact.
    Them: Yeah, do you have an idea?
    Me: Well I was just thinking, we could post-print the retroactive addition to Planar Chaos of the pre-printed planeshift of Braidwood Cup.
    Them: Or we could just print it.

    Me:Well sure, if you have no sense of wonder and are basically dead inside.
    Also Me: Don’t worry Mark, we’ll always remember the beautiful truth about this card, no matter what they say.


    Everyone in design loved the simple combination of staple effects and the fun, flavorful pun in the name. We loved it so much in fact that it quickly led to a super-cycle including Enblightenment, Twiblight’s Call, and Flightning of Fancy. Somewhere around Eightning and a Half Tails we realized we’d lost all perspective and that the set was currently over 80% red and agreed it would be best to cut everything but the original and start fresh.


    Often Magic art is about more than just aesthetics; it can also convey information about the function of the card. Nowhere is that more true than the art of Sedraxis Specter. The tiny nondescript humanoid being overshadowed by his mount lets you know this is a specter. Since Poultrygeist was a 1-power, 1-color flier, the three undead chicken heads imply a 3-power, 3-color flier. The animate skeleton ribcage hints at a graveyard ability, and the whip denotes conditionally available haste. The tethers between the heads represent how even our closest relationships to those we foolishly believe we love drain our humanity and vitality. Oh and the barrels are full of stuff that makes you discard.


    Originally this gained all abilities instead of just activated abilities. I thought there was some reason we didn’t generally print that sort of effect, but could not remember what it was until development had a 100-card highlander Future Future League tournament for fun. In the second round Gary played a Borrower revealing Volrath’s Shapeshifter with Yixlid Jailor on top of his graveyard. This quickly led to two changes. First, skill borrower was changed to its current wording, and second, the following addendum to the comprehensive rules about continuous ability layers was made:

    418.5L Gary is a complete douche; do not under any circumstances agree to play against him.


    Originally this guy was a larger vanilla creature, but we though that was a better fit for the Naya member of the cycle. Some power and toughness weren’t the only casualty of his gaining lifelink though. He also lost the bit of his flavor text explaining how he came to be a humanoid rhinoceros monk surrounded by enchanted golden frisbees. Here’s the uncut version:

    H [ed: continued next week]



    (Discuss this item in the forum!)

  • Jumping Through ‘Hoops’




    (Due to the new MagicTheGathering.com being unnavigable, Wizards of the Coast has teamed up with Good Gamery to provide Magic fans with the latest research and development news and features straight from the source. The following was handwritten, mailed, and arrived at our desks this morning. – Paz)

    Multicolor-themed blocks have always been well received, from the recent Shards of Alara all the way back to Legends. So we’re proud to say we’ve taken the next big step in multicolor with Hoops of Alpaca.

    First some notes on changes to the pre-release structure. Instead of 6 days before the standard release date, pre-releases will occur on the second Tuesday after the standard release date. Events will be sealed deck format run in a modified Swiss style, followed by a top 8 single-elimination hopscotch showdown. Each player will need to register a deck allied with a single hoop, or two if you affix a 20-dollar bill to your registration sheet and surreptitiously wink while handing it to the tournament organizer.

    Now what you’ve been waiting for, a preview of each hoop:

    The Ghatoss Alliance, the RGWUB hoop, are a catlike culture of barbarians that hail from the Djorgia Savannah. They demonstrate red’s love of chaos and confusion by mixing all the colors together. You’ll see the theme of colored artifacts expanded with treats like our first preview:


    Mr. Whiskers’ Deathgolem

    RGWUB

    Artifact Creature Enchantment – Cat Golem Warrior

    8/8

    Instead of paying Mr. Whiskers’ Deathgolem’s cost you may pay WUBRG.


    The T’bbie Brotherhood, the GWUBR hoop, is a leonine race (not to be confused with the Leonine race or The Amazing Leonine Race) of gladiators that prowl the Latte Steppe. Green has always been about natural balance, and now in the T’bbie it finds itself perfectly balanced with every other color. Its preview card gives a new twist on the always-popular lord mechanic:


    T’bbie Liege

    GWUBR

    Creature – Cat Warrior

    6/6

    Green creatures you control get +1/+1. White creatures you control get -1/+1. Blue creatures you control get +0/+0. Black creatures you control get +1/-1. Red creatures you control get -1/-1.


    The Mowsur Legion, the WUBRG hoop, is a stealthy, graceful, curious group of professional fighters from a level, woodless area who always land on their feet. They champion white’s need for rule and order by uniting all colors in solidarity under their banner. The Mowsur preview card has strong implications in the hoop block but could also be put to any number of unexpected uses:


    Chromatic Ball of Prismatic Twine

    WUBRG

    Artifact

    WUBRG, T: Target permanent’s colors appear in the order of your choice until end of turn.


    The Qat Symposium, the UBRGW hoop, is an ancient species steeped in mystery. So thoroughly steeped that even the members of R&D were unable to learn anything about their cards in time for this spoiler. The closest we could get was their part of the new filter land cycle:


    [UNKNOWN CARDNAME]

    Land?

    T: Add 1 to your mana pool

    (U/B/R/G/W) (U/B/R/G/W) (U/B/R/G/W) (U/B/R/G/W), T: Add (please refer to the Hoops of Alpaca rules primer appendix b for a full list of what you may add to your mana pool) to your mana pool.


    The Pan-Tharr Cabal, the BRGWU hoop, is a race of feline warriors that rule the Mnolpf Veldt with an iron paw. They exemplify the fact that black will do anything, up to and including joining forces with all of their competitors, to win. Nowhere is this clearer than in its preview card:


    Snugglepuss the Conqueror

    BRGWU

    Creature – Cat Warrior

    5/5

    Do anything, 2: Win


    We hope you’ve enjoyed this preview. We think Hoops of Alpaca will present you with a lot of complex dilemmas when deciding which hoop to ally yourself with. But no matter which way you go you’re sure to have a fun experience. As one tester excitedly proclaimed, “With Hoops of Alpaca, every choice is 5!/5!”

    (Discuss this item in the forum!)